The decision is made

[ACJ]

Thanks AH. I really appreciate your input

maybe you should consider changing your door locks, so S is obliged to spend H's money on phone calls

I've already had them changed once since H left b/c both locks seized up. It cost me even more than the cost of the calls! Also I don't want him to think he isn't welcome here. I want him to come home and soon. Ironically I no longer have a walk around phone so that the children (and S15 in particular) couldn't take the phone to thier bedrooms and spend hours on it before i realised. Looks like i might have to reverse this decision and lock it away in my safe everyday until S15 gets the message.

I think I've almost reached the point where I want this D as much as H. I want to be at a point where he can't hurt me anymore (although after reading Jeanette's thread I'm no sure this is ever possible!). After last weekend I also want to be at the point where if I choose to date I can. I know I could now if I really wanted to but that wouldn't be showing my children a good example so I won't.

This is worse than adolescence. At least then I had people around me on a day to day basis who knew what I was going through, cared and tried to help me through (even if I didn't want that at the time ). Apart from you guys I just feel so alone and I am sooooooooooooo tired of feeling that way. On days like today I feel like i am battling against the whole world all at once.