Changing myself for myself

[Firekeeper]

thank you Michelle, i am hanging in

i did wrote a letter the other time. it helped but only to a degree. i initiated r talk. the beginning was more intense than needed and h felt blamed. i apologized for that and then was able to state my thoughts in non threatening way - with some tears but they were strategic. i expressed what i learned about myself the last time i met w/ my parents - how their d deeply affected me.

i also challenged him on the issues that he usually voices as "reasons" for his a.

h "we are great together parenting kids, w/friends, on vocation, but in everyday life we can't see eye to eye (ex how clean the house has to be)
me "i often agree w/your expectations but sometime lack capacity to realize it, our values are often the same. your belief in our differences came out of our poor communication where i was not able to express myself and you were not able to hear"

h ' i feel i never was able to make you feel happy"
me "if you look at the pictures, you can see my happy eyes. i remember myself being happy. yes there were times when i was depressed but it was not only about you. the life was very hard. i am genetically predisposed to d. as i look back it started to kick in with the birth of the first child. it went undiagnosed and unaddressed for years. my hypothyroid test was 50 instead .3-5 range when it was finally checked and it took years to normalize it. one of the symptom for it is depression as well"

h" i never felt you loved me?"
me" may be you couldn't believe that you are worth my love, because you didn't feel good about yourself as a male and as a provider. your first round of affais (18 y ago) started when you suddenly were making more money and feeling better about yourself. then there was a long time when you didn't meet your standards as a provider. Start of this a again coincided with you finally making more money and feeling confident as a professional."

h "we are not compatible to with each other"
me "the fact that we has fights, bad times/ good times does make our marriage doom. i look at the r my parents have now after they d. are they more happier w. new partners, do they have less fights - no. one thing that is for sure is my life is worse because of their decision."

h " i want to be happy" "kids said that they want me to be happy"
me" ya, i told my parents i want them to be happy too, it doesn't lessen the pain any bit."

h " it is important to me to be able talk with someone, i am not sure i can do it with you"
me" when it will be important to you to talk not with someone but with me, then it will happen."