Changing myself for myself

[MichelleLT]

I am also far too good at throwing things in my H's fact, which only increases his anger and guilt, and buries his remorse.

The letter you don't send is a great idea. I use the BB to vent a lot too.

(((Firekeeper)))

Hang in there.

[Firekeeper]

thank you Michelle, i am hanging in

i did wrote a letter the other time. it helped but only to a degree. i initiated r talk. the beginning was more intense than needed and h felt blamed. i apologized for that and then was able to state my thoughts in non threatening way - with some tears but they were strategic. i expressed what i learned about myself the last time i met w/ my parents - how their d deeply affected me.

i also challenged him on the issues that he usually voices as "reasons" for his a.

h "we are great together parenting kids, w/friends, on vocation, but in everyday life we can't see eye to eye (ex how clean the house has to be)
me "i often agree w/your expectations but sometime lack capacity to realize it, our values are often the same. your belief in our differences came out of our poor communication where i was not able to express myself and you were not able to hear"

h ' i feel i never was able to make you feel happy"
me "if you look at the pictures, you can see my happy eyes. i remember myself being happy. yes there were times when i was depressed but it was not only about you. the life was very hard. i am genetically predisposed to d. as i look back it started to kick in with the birth of the first child. it went undiagnosed and unaddressed for years. my hypothyroid test was 50 instead .3-5 range when it was finally checked and it took years to normalize it. one of the symptom for it is depression as well"

h" i never felt you loved me?"
me" may be you couldn't believe that you are worth my love, because you didn't feel good about yourself as a male and as a provider. your first round of affais (18 y ago) started when you suddenly were making more money and feeling better about yourself. then there was a long time when you didn't meet your standards as a provider. Start of this a again coincided with you finally making more money and feeling confident as a professional."

h "we are not compatible to with each other"
me "the fact that we has fights, bad times/ good times does make our marriage doom. i look at the r my parents have now after they d. are they more happier w. new partners, do they have less fights - no. one thing that is for sure is my life is worse because of their decision."

h " i want to be happy" "kids said that they want me to be happy"
me" ya, i told my parents i want them to be happy too, it doesn't lessen the pain any bit."

h " it is important to me to be able talk with someone, i am not sure i can do it with you"
me" when it will be important to you to talk not with someone but with me, then it will happen."

[Firekeeper]

later he came in and started r talk saying sorry and saying that he is alone now, he is trying to understand himself, he is not in the r w/ other woman

i told him that looked through his email and i know that he was w/ ow last week and last mo and he was communicating w/her intensely through all this time. he was silent, he didn't got angry about my snooping. he was just sad as if he was really believing himself what he was saying and suddenly his reality was shattered.

[Firekeeper]

the talks happened two days ago. yesterday h again said that he feels attracted to me and asked for a kiss, a hug, to have tea, if not tea than just sex

no was the answer to all. he asked to talk. i answered with a question why he thinks that talking will make any difference this time. he said that quantity will transpire into quality at some time, that it helps him to understand himself better. i told him that i think he would be better off reading a book. he said that he doesn't want to read a book. i said that it is his pride talking and that it was his pride that led him to all this destruction; and some humility helps sometime; he is not that unique and other people went the journey he is on now.

the way i talked i think got him to some realization that i am beyond the set point. no means no.

he went for a walk and then went out of town without telling me. while he was walking i put the book "not just friends" on one of the bookshelves in his room. it is gone now.

[Firekeeper]

today is graduation day for my son. i need to be happy and upbeat.

mothers day a year ago when my husband had sex w/ow for the first time. my heart is stabbed by every reminder of mothers day.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((Firekeeper)))))))
Enjoy the graduation! Enjoy your kids!

[Firekeeper]

h made an ultimatum and ow agreed to dumped her boyfriend and build her life w/ h.

he said that he is telling kids about that today and his parents next week. he will make every effort to make it work.



very teary and sad

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((((Firekeeper))))))))))

I'm sorry. And speechless.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Get through today, however you do that, and see what tomorrow brings.

Prayers with your FK.

[Bworl]

Remember this post...

the talks happened two days ago. yesterday h again said that he feels attracted to me and asked for a kiss, a hug, to have tea, if not tea than just sex

no was the answer to all. he asked to talk. i answered with a question why he thinks that talking will make any difference this time. he said that quantity will transpire into quality at some time, that it helps him to understand himself better. i told him that i think he would be better off reading a book. he said that he doesn't want to read a book. i said that it is his pride talking and that it was his pride that led him to all this destruction; and some humility helps sometime; he is not that unique and other people went the journey he is on now.

the way i talked i think got him to some realization that i am beyond the set point. no means no.

This was a strong woman who knew what she wanted, and knew that she wouldn't dare try to get it at the expense of her dignity.

Sometimes things have to be lost to be appreciated.

Really now, what other choice do you have?

Let the bumbling idiot go to his other woman. Just make it clear to him that he can have THAT life or THIS life. There is no straddling the fence allowed.

I love your words above. They resonate with strength and confidence, just the perfect balance of reason, anger, and truth. That is a good place for you to be in.


Get back there.

The madness continues. If you've been around here for any amount of time, you'll realize that this is not out of the ordinary at all.

Sorry for the pain all the same.


Blessings,


Bill