I posted under STBXW Fantasy. A brief background. Married 17yrs 3 Children S13, S15 and S16, 8 months ago STBXW started acting distant and after a minor argument about S15 behaviour at school, she took off her wedding ring and said she did not want the marriage, The weeks, months that followed, STBXW was like a yoyo, initiated intimacy 5 times and within 2 to 3 days would say this complicates things, let’s stop it. I became exasperated with her behaviour and put house on the market, made an appointment to see a lawyer. She then approached me and asked me to stop divorce and house sale, but within 5 days started talking about divorce again. I started the divorce in January and the house has been on the market since. I later found out that she was visiting an Iranian prisoner due to be deported back to Iran. A previous heroine addict, 10 yrs younger, with girlfriend and a baby. She became emotionally attached to him and got him lawyers to get him out on bail. She succeeded, he’s been out for a couple of months. She moved out and is currently seeing him when the boys stay with me. She denied it of course but has recently admitted it to me and to the boys. She told me she is in love with him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She wanted him to move in with her, but the boys have threatened to leave her. She blames me for this and said that I poisoned the boys mind. The boys are distraught but she is not perturbed by this in the least. She wants us to remain friends, go out as a family and together so the boys think that we do get on. I do not want to spend any time in her presence. I asked her if this guy was worth the distress to her and the children ( the children keep reminding her that what she is doing is wrong and that she is not acting like a good mother should). Whenever this happens she gets on the phone to me to complain, and blame me some more. She will not give up OM. It seems like a powerful addiction! She is in debt, probably as a result of supporting penniless OM.
Two of the boys (S13 and S15) don’t want to stay with her. S16 is probably the most hurt by this but has withdrawn.
I am thinking of going to family therapy with the boys. I don’t think she will be interested in any form of therapy so I won’t even ask her.
I think family therapy would be a very good idea. If she won't go with you and your kids, go anyway.
I also think it would be a good idea to talk to your lawyer about a restraining order against this man to keep him away from your kids. Considering his criminal record and immigration status, that should be very easily done.
Finally, you need to "firewall" your family's finances so that your wife can't wipe you out financially. She is WAY fogged out, and capable of anything at this point.
I'm sorry you're going thru this. Continue to be truthful with your kids, answering any questions that they have, but not "putting them in the middle" if you can. Do not look for them to support YOU emotionally -- you support THEM (sounds like you're doing all of this anyway, I'm just reminding).
As Puppy said, protect yourself and the children. It sounds like you have done everything right. Its sounds like at this point, and even before, that this has become a business transaction between you and WW.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Don't yield your position on this!! Between the children, you and hopefully her parents(Not giving $$$ or blessing) the pressure will break the affair. Its good that she is under financial pressure....that tends to separate reality from fantasy. The OM is obviously using her for his visa, you might want to go to the authorities to make sure they are aware. The have been cracking down on that sort of thing.
Thanks for the replies. Yes asset division has been taken care of - 50/50 and no entitlement to my pension. The house, when it sells, will be split 50/50. Custody is also 50/50. No maintenance payments. British immigration law is very tough. They will not allow him to get married here. He will have to go back to Iran to do that. If she is crazy enough to go with him, Miss independent will have to wear a Burkha and stay in the women's quarters. I don't understand why she is so angry with me though. I keep asking her to relax. She hasn't toldpeople at work. We used to teach at the same university until I moved to one in the city over a year ago. So when my former colleagues contact me, I have to pretend that everything is ok. I have agreed ground rules with her today in relation to co-parenting. She is always on the defensive assuming that I am trying to tell her that she is not a good parent. She spoke to me earlier and somehow started talking about why she thought the OM was nice. She said that while she used to visit him in detention she was under a lot of stress and he was the only one who used to listen to her. She considered it as a form of escape she said. I don't recall her being stressed during that period! It is interesting that she keeps talking about how it happened indirectly when I always remind her that we agreed not to talk about our private lives. Anyway, my new woman friend will be here in half an hour. We will have dinner, go to the local pub for a drink, then come back to chill out in the house. Have a good evening everyone.
Sara, thanks for your reply. I don't think that she will be interested in reading anything that is likely to conflict with her distorted view of reality. As far as she is concerned, despite all the red flags, he is the one. As I said before, I will go ahead with the divorce and will not tell her parents. I will only intervene if the well-being of my sons is threatened.
The evening with my new lady friend went really well last night. We have now been seeing each other for over 3 months. We seem to be getting closer. We are traveling abroad for a long week-end next month.
I am hoping that the house will sell very soon as I still feel in limbo. I guess I just have to be patient.
