Excellent discussion going on here, so I had to jump in! Chazz, its amazing where you started and where you are now! I really admire you for having the courage to defeat your demons the way that you have. Some people might look at Chazz and say, "well no matter what happens I wouldn't drink or do drugs" I say that you don't know what the hell you might do given the right type of circumstances. I wat to also point out that there are many other types of addictive behaviors. Overeating, smoking, watching t.v., excessive shopping, sleeping too much. All of these and more can become excessive behaviors all doing one thing, helping the person cope with a tramatic event in thier life. I can tell you that I was seriously depressed when this first went down, I didn't want to do anything, didn't want to go anywhere, felt totally overwhelmed, abandoned,you name it. How did I deal with this you might ask, by eating and drinking. I drank and ate WAY TOO MUCH! I didn't become dependant on drinking, but lets just say, I don't want to get that close to it again! I also ate like a pig, knowing in my mind it was bad for me, but I did it anyway. I have always prided myself in being in excellent physical condition, I abandoned my weight traning during this time, I signed up for karate, and although I enjoyed it, my heart really wasn't there. I woke up one morning around Christmas time, looked at myself in the mirror and faced the truth about myself. I was a fat pathetic slob! That was a HARD FACT to face! I told myself it stops today! I started dieting hard, exercising hard, and living right. As a result I am in better physical shape than I have been since I was in college. In saying all of this, Chazz is absolutely correct in saying that an individual has got to WANT TO DO BETTER before they will. I think this is true for any situation. People who leave a marriage most of the time simply do not want to try to make things better, for whatever reason. Most of the time its due to the involvement of another person. People have it in thier minds that it will be better with someone else. Is it? Well statistics will show that its not so. 60% or more of all second marriages fail, 97% or more of affair based relationships fail. These numbers are very real IMO, as you have the WAS who doesn't change themselves, even in entering a new R and the LBS many time has too many scars and wounds to really develop a strong R. As Dr. Phill said, too much unfinished business. I have been D for over a year and S for over 2. I have not entered a new R, not because I am waiting on my X to come back, that chapter has closed forever in my life, way too much hurt and mean things said and done for me to ever get past, but I am not ready to put my all into a new R. Until I am, I will not commit, its not fair to the other person. I do hope that others on here will heed this advice, as I feel you will complicate matters in your life if you have not totally healed before starting a new R. Sorry for the long post!
