Drowning, still...

[sandi2]

Hi CBK, I've been trying to catch up on your stitch. Since this is "Mother's Day" weekend and your parents are there with you, I'm not sure this is the right time for me to even post.....or you may not have a chance to look at your thread until later. At any rate, here I go.......

I have taken some things quoted from this past thread you've started. BTW, it seems to me that you have your worst times when you leave on a trip b/c you "think" too much about your stitch, but then when you are home.....you are doing the same thing, but one thing is for sure...you don't have a clue of what "detachment" is all about or else you just flat bum out every time. It will never work, CBK, the 180's, GAL, ..........it won't work until you can get yourself together and emotionally detach from your W. If you don't....you are going to have a complete nervous breakdown. Your body is trying to tell you, now, that something is wrong. Have you seen that doctor yet? If he doesn't think you need AD meds, then you need to see somebody else. I'm worried that you may not even make it through the weekend with all the people in the house without falling apart.

What good would me having her tell the kids and her mom that she is having an A. Would this just push her further away? Does it matter anymore, can she be pushed even further?

You bet your sweet ass it will push her further away! Are you crazy? You don't drop something on her mother like this on "Mother's Day".......what a gift! And what about your own children? Do you want every Mother's Day to be associated with the memory of them being told that their mother was having an affair? Stop thinking about yourself, man! Think about these people that are family and think about what you would be doing to them. You are wanting to lash out at your wife and hurt her, but it is these innocent people that love her that you are going to damage.

I don't know what to do. I love her, but am becoming more and more detached. Right now, don't even want her to come home tonight as I am know I will backslide and ask if she saw the guy...

Nope! That is not detachment. You are angry b/c all you've done is think, think, think, about the stitch. That is the only reason you don't want to be around her. CBK, that is not detaching!

Don't see my therapist for another hour - may explode by then.

Another example of not detaching. When you are/have detached, you emotions are not in this condition to where you are about to explode all the time. When you have detached, your emotions are in balance.

My parents are coming in tomorrow, I don't want to tell them not to come, but I know they are really uncomfortable

They will make the most of it.....only if you behave yourself. If you make snide remarks about your W.....or you get into a scene with her....yeah, that will make them feel pretty uncomfortable! Listen, CBK, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and think about others. It is time to man-up! You need to take responsibility for your part of the breakdown in this M. Yes,she is wrong for her A. But, you had all the signs, as you told about in your first thread.....but you did not do what you needed to do....so get off this train ride and start doing what you need to do NOW!

Yea, mom and dad live in San Diego, I am up in Nor Cal, so they are coming for the weekend. Looking forward to it. My W invited the ladies out for a concert on Saturday in Dixon and then my sis is coming down from Napa with her kids on Sunday.

See? You've got a lot of people here to think about. You have got to get the stitch out of your mind and act "as if" big time. If there is ever a time to put other's feelings before your own....this is it. Put your best foot forward and show off your charm and good manners. Be polite to your W even when nobody is around, b/c you don't want to set off any fireworks. Your parents have raised you right. Now show them the good work they did as parents by being the man and the son that you were meant to be.

This will be fun. W and I just talked about the weekend. At the end, I said let's just get along and act like friends... She was okay with that, but I read everything so wrong right now...

She is willing to make the most of a bad stitch at a bad time. It is you that will make or break it.....not her! You are the one on edge.......I know, I know, you have a right to be and all that....I don't want to hear it! You listen to me like I was your Mama for a minute, okay? You have got to get yourself straighten out and hold it together for this holiday and for the sake of your family and stop being self-centered. That is what you are doing. You may have your mind on your W, OM, and the A....but it all boils down to CBK's feelings! Nobody can make you be a man......you have to do that! If your parents are aware of the stitch.....make them proud, CBK, and show them what you are made of.

Yea, I didn't say those exact words, but did say I was not giving up... probably pissed her off!

Yep! And where does it get you? You lose ground every time you do this. You are so set in your ways that it is hard for you to learn new tricks, but you better or you are going to lose this woman! Stop doing what is not working!

I used to have her picture on my desktop of my laptop, took it off because everytime I saw it, it would take me back.

That is a good step even if you did it b/c you fell apart every time you looked at it. But you have to make steps like that to stop yourself for drowning in thoughts of her. That is where you are truly "drowning", CBK, in your constant thinking about the stitch.

Last night, I just sat there and saw her as a liar that is in a fantasy land, maybe her fantasy will work out with OM, I hope not and I am not giving up, at least right now I am not.

So, why did you do that to yourself? You are not taking care of CBK. I know what a bad back is. I've had one for 41 years. That limits me to almost any type of exercise. But, if there is anything physical you can do at night when you can't golf.....you need to do that instead of sitting in your room dwelling on her and OM and how she is a liar and her fantasy with OM, etc. You need to do something to work that frustration out, which something physical is best, but if you can't, then do something else to occupy your mind. Can't you see what it is doing to you? Your self preservation needs to kick in.

I guess the only thing I have right now is just acting "as if" and no R talks - funny, I think that may be easy. I had to get one more out last night - don't know why, but I did.

You got that right! It's not funny and it won't be easy and you will always feel that you've got to just get one more out......until you detach.

He listens to her - he "gets" her.I know he is at least 10 years younger than she is as well - not much I can do there... I have been listening more - but when I back slide, all those positive steps get nullified. So that is why I cannot backslide anymore.

This is what I've been trying to tell you, sweetie. You've got to become more attractive than the OM. No, there isn't anything you can do about the age.....but that is not what it's all about with her, except it probably is good for her ego. You have the advantage b/c you have a history with her, where OM doesn't. You have a family with her, where OM doesn't. But you are screwing yourself up with these backslides. Bet the OM is not acting like that, is he? No, he is listening and validating her feelings. He is being the good guy and you are being.....fill in the blanks. Why would she want to be around you acting like that? Don't you want her to stay with you? Isn't that your goal? If you two were both single and you wanted to date this beautiful woman.....how would you go about getting her attention? How would you have "favor" in her eyes? You would be charming, witty, sexy, and use all the personality you could muster up to impress her. But, you aren't doing any of this. You are showing her, by your own actions, that the OM is the better of you two men. Stop doing that! You are the best! That is what she needs to see. She needs to see that you are more attractive in your behavior than OM is. Don't tell her......show her. How do you do that and still detach? Well, stop giving her and OM all the power by taking over your constant thoughts and behavior. Stop be so available and GAL when you can get out of the house when she is there.....have a little mystery. When kids are there, give them your time and attention. This is your way of what was called "playing hard to get" when I was growing up. You charm her and all that, but you are just a little out of her reach.....just enough to make her want you. We want what we think we can't have. That's what made the OM so attractive to her in the first place.

You would think I could find better questions to ask, I basically talk for a living and present in front of large audiences... I need to find that art of conversation back in my home! I guess a visit to the bookstore again.

Get that OM out of your head!!!

Women like for their H's to be interested in what they do, just as H's like for their W's to be interested in their work. But, for a woman......we like what Gary Smalley and other authors call "meaningful conversation". Of course, that is my language of love....and I never had that, so it had a lot to do with the breakdown of my M. I have a feeling that your W knows that you are just "enduring" the conversation when you ask about her work, etc. She wants that intimate, meaningful conversation. Not about the kids, house, etc. But, intimate things about the two of you and where your R is going and how much you need her and .........but this is not for right now....listen to me here....that was what she was needing back then. Now, is not the time to try to talk intimate R, etc. You got to get on friendly terms first, right now. So, back to dating....you've got to be considered a "friend" in a way before you jump into intimate stuff.

Yea, staying pissed right now is going to be easy. I will be lovingly distant at home, but I feel like many others - as long as W keeps contacting OM, we have no hope. I just think it is funny that she wants this new life, but wants to keep everything BUT me...

That was exactly how I felt when I was almost a WAW. So, will you listen to me, now?

I am wishing harm on this OM - I thought about telling W a lie and say somebody just called from her school to tell me that she is having an A... Don't know what that would accomplish, probably nothing. Idle minds think of horrible things. At least I haven't snooped.

See what kind of shape you are allowing to happen to YOU? Who are you hurting the most?

CBK, if you believe in God, this is the time that you need to have a long talk with Him and depend on Him for your strength. Yes, you need to man-up, but God will help you through this if you will let Him.

Sorry for the 2x4, but it's b/c I can't sit back reading how you are going down. You will drown, if you don't start pulling yourself up and taking in air and swim for shore. It is all in the DB book if you will study it in the right frame of mind.

Please, please take care of yourself. And, please don't do anything you will be sorry for this weekend.

Sandi

P.S. Sorry for such a long post. Was saving up spit, I guess.