Practically newly-weds, and I'm ready to give up

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Potato

I have been thinking about your post a lot too. I want to give you some input to have a think on to see if it helps.

One, OK so you're newlyweds but that doesn't mean no problems. A lot of Ms fail within the first 5 years, and I for one think it's excellent that you have come here NOW to do something about it and not a year down the line when maybe you've met someone else and life's a mess. Being a WA (walk away) is no picnic. Well done for wanting to do something now, it shows you are comitted and I hope you're prepared to put the work in, this may be a long haul. Real change takes a LONG time, quick changes are usualy superficial and don't last.

Reading list - I would read "The Divorce Remedy" even though you don't want a D, it has some excellent stategies for dealing with a partner who won't change. I'd also read "Men are from mars..." and "The Sex Starved Marriage". Reading these will give you some ACTION to focus on. I can apprecaite it must be really frustrating that you want to do something to improve your M, and your W's answers are a non-commital "I don't know". It looks as if talk isnt' working (it rarely does, sigh)

Now I'm not a bad lover. I've had many partners, and they have all said I'm very good. I am attentive. I am caring. I make sure that my partner orgasms before I do. Hell, I even WANT to cuddle afterwards. But when someone doesn't want to have sex with you and hurries you along when you do, it really is a blow to your ego.

She also demands that I not view porn. She claims it is degrading and that it makes her self-conscious. She took some pictures of herself naked, and insists I use those for any self gratification. In her head, I think she believes that that will serve as a substitute for sex.

Two things here - have you told your W you have had many lovers and no complaints? If you have, this could have really upset her. She may feel she's being compared and doesn't measure up. This can KILL a woman's sexual desire. OK, it's important to accept that your H or W will have had partners before you (not always, but in most cases) but to hear about them can be crushing. I hate to hear of my H's ex's. Of course, mentioned by name or in passing (eg, "I was going out with so-snd-so at the time, blah blah, rest of story") is fine, but DETAILS - no. It's nothing to do with me and H so i don't want to hear about it.

Obviously she knows about the porn too. I know to you it has no emotional connection, but to her it again could be crushing, like she's being compared and doesn't measure up. Again, for me if my H takes a shine to anyone on TV etc, I don't want to hear about it. Of course he WILL see other girls he likes the look of, and looking is fine, but I just don't want to discuss it with him.

If she's "the little Princess" and you're treating her so well, showing her so much love, it may be confusing to her if you use porn. In my mind, my H loves me and therefore if he were viewing porn or had an attachment to someone famous it would hurt A LOT because it would mean that in the attractiveness stakes I obviously didn't measure up. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm saying that's the way **I** view it and maybe your W feels similar.

When my H and I started dating, he had a fixation on a TV personality. He would buy any magazine with her in, record her TV shows, talk about her in glowing terms in front of me. It HURT LIKE HELL. My feeling was "I'm not good enough". He would then tell me he loved me, and I would not believe this as his actions to me didn't speak love.

The sad thing about sex too is the more you persue, the more pressure goes onto the LD person and it can suffocate them. This could be why she's into the "hurry up" mode (which I appreciate will hurt you like hell). So now you're in a situation where she's completely closed off to having sex. How would you feel about backing off completely to initiating sex at all for a few months? I'm thinking she has some other issues here (and it's hard to fathom what they are when all she says is "I don't know") so in that time you work on THOSE with the pressure to perform off her.

For example - a W feels she does all the housework with little help from her H (I'm not saying this is you, this is just for illustration). Her H then wants to have sex to feel close to her. She feels tired, overworked and sex then becomes another item on the "to do" list. Not nice for anyone. So the H realises this, packs his W off to a spa for the day, goes round tidying the house, cooks a nice dinner with candles, so when she comes home the house is clean and he's there waiting for her. her "to do" list has shrunk greatly, she can really relax and maybe then they ML.

And EVERYTHING is about her in our relationship...we have to eat what she wants, watch what she wants, do what she wants, at all times. If I want to watch something and she isn't in the mood for it at the moment, she'll get up and leave....but I'm not allowed to do the same thing. I am a giving person, but I can't help but feel she is taking advantage of that and feeding her selfishness.

Now this sounds very much like my M used to be before the bomb. My H is a very giving person who gets happiness from making me happy. A noble thing, but not always very healthy. He was a pushover. I knew I could always get my own way, and what did I win? A H in MLC who walked out. Great prize! (He's back now, all sorted by the way).

You seem to be building up a lot of resentment while being very passive. This could lead to you flipping into agressive very quickly. Extremes are no good, life is ideal when it's balanced. Maybe you need to be more assertive? Assertive is good, it stands its ground calmly. It doesn't shout, demand, beg or cry. It states its desires calmly but firmly.

If there is something she wants to watch on TV and you don't, there is NOTHING wrong with you going off to do something else. It's silly for her to deamnd you watch it with her. She can ASK, yes, but not demand. If you were to be assertive you would state that you didn't want to watch the TV and if she got upset say "I'm sorry you're upset, but I don't want to watch TV". If she gets pouty about that she has some real issues to deal with. You cannot live your life by her rules. A healthy R includes compromise. I like to look on a healthy R as two people bound together with a long piece of elastic. They can wander away from each other but are still tied and will come back together again. Couples don't need to do everything togther all the time. Sometimes my H goes out with his friends and I don't fancy it, sometimes vice versa. It's important to have some time out from each other.

If she's being very clingy one you, and threats to kill herself if you leave would indicate that, then this doesn't sound good. One cannot DEPEND so heavily on another. I used to be very dependent on my H, now I have realised I don't NEED him in my life but I WANT him there. If he were to leave tomorrow of course I'd be upset but I know in time I would be just fine, that I would meet someone else because I am a lovely and loving person. I used to think "thank God I've found someone who will put up with me". Now I have enough self esteem to realise no-one has to "put up with me" because I'm not that bad. maybe your W struggles with low self esteem?

OK, this has been a really long post, congrats if you've got to the end. It's food for thought - I may be right, I may be way off the mark. Use what you like and discard what doesn't fit. But keep posting. I believe this can be fixed, but it's going to take a lot of time and a great deal of patience from you.

Take it easy

JJ