Well, now I've done it!! I post to C_K about setting boundaries, and trying to turn away from snooping, and then in the course of this evening turn around and contradict everything I said...and of course, H caught me in a snoop, and then we wound up having a R talk...yuck!
H had a function at school that he had to go to tonight. I had taken S12 to watch a soccer game, and had already gotten back home, and H seemed to be way late. I was suspicious that H was seeing OW both before and after this function, so I was feeling anxious. I had looked in his briefcase once to see if I could find anything to clue me in (it's sitting right by the front door) and of course who walks in...and wanted to know what I was doing... I said I was looking tosee if he had his cellphone since I was wondering what was taking him so long... so lame, i know. He told me that the program ran long and he had stopped to get Mother's Day cards (which I think he did...and maybe he saw OW before the event, not after) Anyway, it led to a really sad convo.
H's response was 'you know, i really don't care what you're doing, if you're spying on me, I just really don't care'... I apologized for messing with his stuff, and that I don't "spy" on him. And then it moved into a R convo, with H talking about how he hadn't cared in a long time, years (which, sadly, is pretty true), and how our marriage R was dead; how he felt that last year I had told him I would 'do whatever I needed to do to protect myself' with regard to the end of our M, and that he felt that meant I wasn't thinking about the boys and mainly about making things really ugly, etc. (H also said I'd probably deny having said that...I didn't, even though I asked him to clarify what he was talking about [and this was his interpretation of my stating a boundary that I was going to stay in the house until we sold it)
A lot of this is kind of blurry; I have a hard time focusing really carefully on remembering these convos. (self defense mechanism?) what I tried to do was validate H's feelings, although I did say that I love Ss just as much as he did, and that I would always look out for their interest. I agreed with him that our current M relationship was dead; that the primary concern for both of us was our Ss. I said we were good parents and that we have a very good family unit together.
H talked about how he had tried so hard, and about how he kept talking to me and nothing would happen. I talked about how he had tried so hard to work on fixing 'my problems'; and here H alleged that he had work on his issues too (i sure never saw any evidence of that). THere is a good bit of truth to the idea that I was unable to see the things I needed to work on for me (blinded largely by my unwillingness to accept how much I lacked in selfconfidence), although of course the reality is so much more complex than that.
THere was more, but bottom line this is all rehashing old ground for on his part, and of course, gets us nowhere. He said that he wished he felt differently about me, but he just dan't/doesn't.
I'm starting to fall asleep, so will post more in the morning. I 'm going to ask for some help in deciding (and then editing) maybe something to send to H about this...
