I'm not telling you anything you haven't learned......just want you to know that you aren't alone.
To be honest Sandi I probably need reminders now more than ever cos my mind does drift to thinking about my needs and healing my hurt, and I find myself looking back instead of keeping my eyes looking to the future. I drift cos I don't see W's pain but your explanations certainly puts thing back into prospective for me and straightens me out.
W doesn't talk about things so I have to look to her action which are in the main saying that she is back in the M. The last time we ML I started to drift and thought would we be doing this if she wanted out.(I can't remember what answer I came up with. ).
So yes this piecing is a long term repair process, and the pit fall are becoming more and more prominent as I move on so I need to keep side stepping them and get back to my best. Needless to say that I need to start planning for our wedding anniversary in September, that's another opportunity to show me at my best.
Saturday I ve got the day to myself so I ve set my self a reasonable target of reducing the clutter in the garage by 50%. The place has become too much of an obstacle course now and there's plenty of rubbish to throw out. I have my 10k run next week and my knee still hurts and I ve not trained for nearly 3 weeks so that's added to my frustration. But with a little care and attention I should be ok.
(Metal note, breaking wind is no longer an option).
Good idea Lan........lol. Most women do not find that amusing. I have to say that in all the years that I've been M--my H has not been one to do that in front of me or anyone! I have never told him that I appreciate him respecting me in that way (lol), but I think I will now.
I just wrote to a man in "newcomers" forum. He is waiting on his DB book and was asking some questions about detaching, GAL, etc. Why don't you look him up and just read that last post I sent him.
His name is Stillfighting.......and I can't remember the name of his title......let me go look (lol) be right back.
Okay, it is "Help, I need advice fast" by stillfighting. In fact, Lan, you could probably be encouraging to him. I did not think to tell him not to break wind in front of his W while he is trying to do all this self-improvement....lol. What a character you are!
Listen sweetie, don't let it get you down too much about the birthday thing. You do still have to think of her as a WAW and in her mind she is fighting that so hard. She is not back on track a 100% yet and it's going to be a bumpy ride still. But, wow, she made up for it the next morning. Maybe she is one of those morning gals that wake up with all the right hormone urges. I have been known to wake my H up in the wee hours of the morning, but after the light comes out.....so does the bad breath...ugh! (lol)
Maybe she got to thinking about how you and the D put so much effort into her homecoming birthday surprise and how she didn't really show her appreciation. We never know what goes through another person's mind. But, I'm glad you were there in the right place at the right time the next morning!
Keep up good work and keep the farts to yourself....lol.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe she is one of those morning gals that wake up with all the right hormone urges.
I can't quite believe W has turned into a morning gal, she was never like this before, but as it happens this works in my favour cos I'm always primed and ready to go first thing.
W still kinda moody, so I spent this afternoon clearing the garage while she went shopping with D6. When she returned she wasn't too impressed with my efforts. I though I'd done really well. Anyway she still seemed off with me but then she showed me two shirts she'd bought for me in the sales. So I think she saying somthing nice with the shirts.
This evening W has cancelled her dining out with her b/f and we're all going to have a nice chilled evening in, so it looks like the day will end on a happy note.
Update: W watching TV with a glass of wine while I massage her aching feet, I think I hit the spot cos she groaned a little and closed her eyes. This was followed by a little head bobbing then she's off, fast asleep.
Dear Lan, so when hitting the spot.....was that good or bad? (lol)
Forgive me if you have said in past posts and I can't remember, but has it been sort of "difficult" for your W to give you compliments or praise for things you've done (like cleaning out the garage)? The reason I'm asking is that I did not realize for many, many years that one of the top things that is needed in a man's life is admiration from a woman. That is why a lot of affairs begin--is b/c the W never seems to admire her H's efforts and he meets OP that does. I know, for me, it has always been very hard to show my H admiration. I don't know why! I feel so phony doing it....guess b/c I never got into the practice of it. That has been my downfall in our MR. I try to give him compliments about him dressing up or if he cooks I'll tell him it was good, etc., but to really show admiration like I should....I know I need to really work on that. The reason for me telling all that is I just wondered if your W has always been that way and you are just more aware or sensitive about it now....or has it just started since the M problems? What brought about her change of moods....who knows? Some women can have something said or done to them by a complete stranger at the grocery store and they go home and take it out on their H's. That is so unfair, but it's like kicking the cat when you've had a bad day. Her mood swings are up and down......which I think is common when trying to piece the M back together again. If it wasn't for the mood changes.....it wouldn't be so difficult. Since she was the WAW, it stands to reason that she feels the pressure of the changes....and that is not to say that you have not....I certainly don't mean that at all! I am just seeing it from her POV....that's all. She is struggling and I believe she is feeling a lot of "different" emotions on an hour to hour basis. Patient does not end when you go into piecing....in fact it may need to increase at times. It is hard to know when you are pushing and when you aren't by trying to ask a women how she is feeling. If you ask her "what's wrong" .....you know what her answer is going to be....."Nothing!"...right? But if you just walk over and pull her into your arms and hold her, sometimes, you don't have to say anything. Sometimes, that's all she needs and if she wants to tell you what is wrong, she might open up. Of course, if she pushes away....that means she doesn't want to talk about it. Try not to take offense to that....it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want you, it just means she's not ready to talk yet. Then, just tell her, okay that if she wants to talk about her feelings, you are there for her. Then give her about two seconds, and start to leave. If she doesn't stop you....keep walking away from her and find something to do, like watch TV or something. Don't leave the house right then b/c that will tell her you are mad, (and add more problems to the stitch), but if you just go into the other room, that is telling her that you are still available for her. Depending on her personality, etc., maybe she will come in later and start to tell you what put her in that mood. Depending on the woman's personality (again), some need to be left alone until they get over it and some need to be shown affection and that they are appreciated also. You see, if something happened or was said while she was gone from the house that made her self-esteem drop to zero.....then she came home and you were waiting for her to see what a good job you had done and was waiting for some sign of appreciation from her.......but she was hurting and didn't notice........do you see where this can lead? Everything is so sensitive in "piecing". Emotions are so raw. This is when the H needs to "man-up" (again) and be the stronger person in the M. I have made the statement that a male's ego is the most fragile thing in the world. That is where you can hurt him the worst. However, I know that a woman needs those male arms holding her when she is hurting. And that, my sweetie, is what I mean by being the stronger one. It takes a strong man to overcome his own hurt and go tend to the one he loves.
The war is not over, but the battles are slowly being won, so don't give up. You will get there and you will be able to wave that flag of victory. You have fought so hard and I know that it's very tough and you are more than ready for things to return to normal. When you get down, look back at how far you've come.
P.S. I bet ya she really appreciated all that hard word.....even if she didn't say anything. Kind of like when you may not always say how much you appreciate what all she does around the house or the good meals she prepares. (Just a thought.)
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Before we got to piecing W was telling me that she needed to get used to my touch again, that used to bug me but hey women are strange. Now she tells me that I have a certain touch which just really relaxes her, but that invariably leads to her falling asleep rather than stocking up her passions. But she does enjoy the foot massages and the back rubs, hmm, maybe that's why she now wakes up full of passion, it's stored up from the night before. It's not every morning it's just when the mood talked her but I need to be ready.
With regards to the no compliments for my hard work in the garage, I think the issue was just our different expectations cos I told W that I would clear the garage by 50% of the clutter, but I think she just heard "clear the garage". So although the garage is now in a very orderly fashion it's not "clear" and in her eyes that failure. However I told her this is the new standard and I'll endeavourer to keep it that way. It general W has been good with compliments when needed, and I am now very aware of a woman's need to admire her man. I know W was full of admiration for me when we first met but over a period of time I think that waned for various reasons, but I am well on the way to getting that back.
I think I now have a good handle on when to give W and unsolicited hug, if she got something on her mind stay well clear, if she's feeling good about things (such as this afternoon) then it was good just good to give her a hug to say thanks for preparing my lunch box for me. Sometimes I can see she enjoys doing things which show her to be an old fashion wife looking after her man. So it's up to me to keep this admiration going. As far as W talking about things , not a chance, so I've dropped that of my agenda.
Yeah piecing is hard, reading W's subtle signals and hints is even harder.
"Yeah piecing is hard, reading W's subtle signals and hints is even harder." Lan, At least you are recovering from NFC disease where a side effect is not knowing you have NFC. If only W came with a manual written like how Sandi explains it! But then again would the DAM care to RTFM (Read The F'ing Manual).
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
I should really stop worrying about my sitch and W's commitment to our M cos every time I really fret about something then a really positive step forward happens.
Recently W has been preparing my lunches for me to take to work, beautiful sandwiches lovely salads etc. Today she called me at work to ask if I enjoyed todays salad. I told her it was lovely especially the way she had added the extra chopped apples and grapes and it was really, really filling. W then said she was happy to prepare the lunches for me and was glad that I was enjoying them, then she added "At least I can make you happy with food if not in other parts of our lives". I just told W that "you do make me happy". Then she said "Oh yes, I gave you your morning wake up call and now a lovely salad, what more could a man want" and then we both laughed at that. We were going to talk some more but I was interrupted by a work colleague. But anyway for me this was a very big step forward.
I know W will find it difficult to talk and as I said in my previous post that R talk is off my agenda but now I can see the commitment in her action. Phew. Anyway I feel so much more up lifted today, definitely feel more positive for the future.
"I should really stop worrying about my sitch and W's commitment to our M cos every time I really fret about something then a really positive step forward happens."
I am adding this to my post.. just so I can hold you to it.
I am glad you finally got it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
W then said she was happy to prepare the lunches for me and was glad that I was enjoying them, then she added "At least I can make you happy with food if not in other parts of our lives".
Hummmm..........this tells me that she has a real desire to make you happy! She is trying hard in this area of making your lunches b/c she feel more confident doing this job. Look at the next statement she made. Doesn't that make sense to you? She is trying to make up for some area that she feels she has failed you miserably and she wants to make up for it. She wants you to be happy, Lan!
Okay, so if you try to show that you are happy by being more relaxed and trying to be more playful with her (if that is your style) or teasing.....whatever you use to do when you were first in love that made both of your feel happy.....do it now, Lan. You want her to be happy and she wants you to be happy and I just want to get the two of you together and say....here.....you are in love with each other....relax, enjoy, and make love like there is no tomorrow.
Yep, piecing is very hard and I think one reason is just like your stitch where the W comes back home and everything is strained. That is what is going on here. The tension in the air.....you wondering how she feels and what she's thinking and she's wondering the same thing about you.
What about doing something really special for her.....like a real romantic place to carry her to dinner....or for the weekend. Just come out with it and tell her, "What do you say we draw a piece treaty and stop walking on egg shells and just enjoy each other again?" How do you think she would react to that? Would she be relieved? Would she react negatively.....and if so, why?
Just a thought. You have to keep DBing in piecing, but gee whiz, I wish you two would both get a total body massage!
Love ya!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
). 