Supermom and the Brighter Tomorrow

[JennyF]

bear,
Good too hear from you. You sound stronger every day.

I realized this week for sure that I do not want a divorce. But I'm no longer resisting it. I'm going through all the motions and just doing the next thing I have to do. IIf H comes to his senses at any point during any one particular stage of the "D"...then we'll deal with it then. Otherwise it's not in the cards and I'm moving on.

D is giving me a run for my money. Everything is a struggle with her right now. She's being so unruly and I can't find the right balance of being compassionate to what she's going through, yet not letting her get away with everything. She starts screaming Daddy Daddy if she gets in trouble for something. I guess she does the same with H. H gave me another "she's ok" today. Yeah...you keep telling yourself that buddy.
I'm trying not to let my anger over it get the better of me when things are heated with D. She is acting out in ways she never has before. Being really loud, screaming, getting angry hitting things (not hard....but obviously taking out frustration). She's doesn't want me to leave the room but gets really angry if I try to console her. I literally don't know WTF I'm doing. I'm flying by the seat of my pants....alone.
That is a big part of the problem....when D & S are with H...he usually has back up. Whether it's his Mom or OW he has someone. Here it's just me. And poor D isn't getting a lot of my attention now that S is getting more active and eating meals. It's a lot of freakin' work! Not to mention trying to pack up and sell your house while meeting with lawyers on a weekly basis. Thank God I'm on Mat leave or they may have to commit me.
Most days I'm ok...plugging right along. But lately D and I seem to be having more tense interactions than close interactions. That's why I'm not fight the sleeping with me. I bought her an awesome princess flashlight. It's got a lantern and flashlight setting. It was sitting on her bed this morning when she got home from her Dad's. She was so excited about it and carried around all day! Then 1/2 hour before bed...it breaks. Not dead batteries...changed those. It's broken. The one thing that was going to keep her in her bed tonight! I can't win!
OK...a little bit of self pity there, I admit it. So tomorrow we'll get her another flashlight and start again.
I'm worried about her a lot because she's getting an edge to her that has never been part of her personality before. I can try to talk to H about it but reality is...he will downplay it. And he's not prepared to make the changes necessary to reverse these affects so what difference does it really make? Sad isn't it? This man is a father? Unreal.
Well before I get myself more riled up...I better go to bed...with D.
J~