Cake eating or progress?

[MaxP]

Trixi,

I have been reading a thread in the Affairs / Jealousy section about regrets. It's reminded me that the thing I would have done differently after the bomb would have been to show myself more respect, draw a line in the sand (as Dom says) and be prepared to lose my M rather than compromise / give so much ground. We tip-toe around the WAS far too much and in return they abuse the position and lose even more respect for us. I would be tempted to draw a line too if I were you. I think your H would miss you far more than he is admitting and he knows it.

Ask yourself this, would you have played things any differently knowing what you do now?

Max

[Trixi]

Hey guys, thanks to all for chiming in.
To answer NikB's question about whether he announced we were exclusively dating- yes, it was an announcement on his part. I should have made that "joke" but he wouldn't have bought it anyway. He knows I want the marriage.

Thus far, I don't believe I am being 'used', but if this isn't nipped in the bud, I can see where it would end up that way.

Given how great Costa Rica (and the weekend after) was, there really *isn't* any good reason he should be on Match.

However, riddle me this, Batman: If I tell him that I expect him to remove the profile, he might take that as me "mothering" (or smothering) him, or bossing him around, or fill in the blank with a negative conotation. I can totally picture him saying "You can't tell me what to do. I already told you we're exclusively dating. You're just gonna have to trust me." I worry that simply out of rebellion the whole thing could totally blow up.

He wants me to be 'stronger' when HE wants me to be stronger. Not all the time.

When we had our argument on the trip it was about this--
There was an accident on the road that the tour bus could not get around so we had to sit and wait..and wait..and wait. H decided to "get up and stretch his legs" and went up front to talk with the tour director, one of the single girls, have a smoke. About 30 minutes goes by and the accident is moved far enough over that the bus can squeeze by. The tour director announces to the bus "Great news, we're on our way to the next stop- it will take us about 30-45 minutes to get there." At that point I had expected H to return to our seat. He didn't. In fact, he stayed up front until we got to the next place at which point he turned around and motioned for me to grab his backpack, and I maturely responded by sticking my tongue out at him and giving him major stink eye. Off the bus he says "What's your problem?!" and I said that I couldn't effing believe that he just left me back there like that, blah blah. He says "There is no way you can be serious about this. You're being ridiculous. You knew where I was. I was with you 24/7. I was involved in a convo. I shouldn't have to come back to you and say 'oh, I am in a convo, is that ok?' THIS is the EXACT kind of SH!T that drives me crazy about you. So and So from Arizona stayed up there taking to Other Single Girl and HIS wife didn't have a problem with it." UGH! Later when we discussed this further and I tried to explain my position [I felt abandoned; I had no book; the people around me were sleeping or reading] he said "Look- I don't *want* to understand your position. You should have been glad for me that I was enjoying myself. You're a big girl, you should have found something to do." My point in telling the story is that he did not appreciate me telling him that I thought he should have at least come back and said *something* to me. Maybe I *am* unreasonable with that thought. I dunno.

Back to the question- he doesn't respond well to being what he considers bossed- is there a better way to approach it?

[Dom R]

However, riddle me this, Batman: If I tell him that I expect him to remove the profile, he might take that as me "mothering" (or smothering) him, or bossing him around, or fill in the blank with a negative conotation. I can totally picture him saying "You can't tell me what to do. I already told you we're exclusively dating. You're just gonna have to trust me." I worry that simply out of rebellion the whole thing could totally blow up.

oh, it will blow up.
the question is, are you going to be a creampuff about it or not.
hopefully, the answer to that question is "no".

and the answer to what HE said, is

"You LIED to me, and CHEATED on me. Trust you??? Hello no, buster. Trust is EARNED, and you havent earned it yet"

He wants me to be 'stronger' when HE wants me to be stronger. Not all the time.

"be careful for what you wish for, because you might get it".

Be stronger.

Back to the question- he doesn't respond well to being what he considers bossed- is there a better way to approach it?

yeah. point out that it isnt "bossing him", it's having reasonable expectations of a responsible, so-called "committed" adult. And if he cares to dispute the point, you'll be happy to discuss it with him in front of [married couple's name here].

If you keep doing everything HIS way, however he wants it... do you think that will result in you having a good marriage?

I'm thinking not.
A good behaviour, is where BOTH parties benefit. Not when one person gets anything and everything they want.

[Dom R]

PS:

"Look- I don't *want* to understand your position. You should have been glad for me that I was enjoying myself.

WOW... ok, total bozo-brain moment from him.

It should not be acceptable for him "not to want to understand you".

Sounds like you and he need to have a discussion (or 10) on what exactly it means to each of you to be in "a relationship", nevermind a marriage.

[Trixi]

How suspicious is THIS:
H and I spoke this afternoon. He did tell me that he is exhausted, etc and possibly "allergic to work" ha ha. So the plan was that he would come to my house at 6pm, we would figure dinner out and then meet friends at the karaoke bar.

At 6:13 he calls to say he doesn't feel well. He wants to just 'chill out' and will maybe come to the bar around 9:30 and he'll text me and let me know.
I say that we don't have to do anything crazy..I could come over there or something and he says "no- I just want to chill out." I say something to indicate disappointment and he says "we're going to see eachother tomorrow." I reiterate that I would be happy to go over to his house and hang and he again said no. I then pointed out that one of the friends was counting on selling him some dragons and he says "yeah, that's true. She was probably counting on that money. OK- I will meet you there at 10pm. OK?" I mumble and he says "ok-see you later." and hangs up in a bad mood.

What's this sound like to you?????? *I* am now thinking he has a date lined up for tonight. I can't do a driveby on the house because the car he would use stays in the garage, so I would have no way of knowing if it was gone or not.

There is a chance that he really DOES just want to chill out and maybe jam on his guitar; but doesn't it seem a little bit fishy??

Ok- now I'll read what you wrote Dom.

[Trixi]

All good points, Dom.
All VERY good points.

This is SOOOOO disappointing.

ARGH! I don't have any hard facts. I mean, this "I'll meet you there at 10pm" is terribly suspicious, but I don't have any proof of impropriety. If he *is* innocent, accusing him is not going to be good. at all.

oh well, I guess I already blew for tonight since I tried to "pressure" him into letting me come over. WTH?? I can feel all those 'old' emotions and interactions coming back. This is not good. NOT good at all.

and the worst of it is that I feel like THIS IS ALL MY FAULT for getting impatient.
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

[Dom R]

if he does have a date.. maybe its time to catch him in the act, and say "this is it; commit fully, or it's the end of the road for your lying cheating ass"

PS: if you really are "committed", and "dating", he should have no problems with you coming over there unannounced.

hmm. .well, i guess theres a diference betwe "exclusive" and "committed". but there shoudnt be.

[Trixi]

I would love to catch him; not sure *how* to catch him.

Like I said, the car he would use lives in the garage, so I won't be able to know if he is home or not. And God only knows where he would go with someone.

[Dom R]

so go pay him a surprise visit. knock :P

[Trixi]

I need an excuse to call the house; the house that I NEVER call; the house that he disconnected the main land line from. I would be calling the old faxline number. That's not something I would do; I would normally just call his cell and if he didn't answer leave a message.

But the easiest way to figure out if he is home would be to call the house.

I wonder how literal the "active within 24 hours" is on Match. because it still is showing him active within 24 hours. So that would mean he logged in sometime between last night and tonight.