I do a lot when she is not here, since she has been working most weekends. In the evenings I usually do take care of dinner cleanup, the dishwasher, and stuff like that. I hardly ever watch TV, except with the rest of the family. The computer, well, I do spend some time there, but usually after she is off to "her" room.
just checking on your progress. If you continue you'll pass the finals, no doubts.
STOP ASSUMING, please, do me this favor!! Use different ways to approach her about the same stuff, experiment. You are a smart guy, use your brains. You block yourself with all these assumptions. START ALL OVER AGAIN. Pretend you have no idea what her reactions will be and try to "break the ice"...
I agree with Kalni, the way you describe your life with your W to us here, it seems very samey..very entrenched, you are stuck in patterns of behaviour (she is) toward one another...
Well done for approaching the dragons lair! (sitting with her on the couch to watch TV)... you shouldnt have to creep around your own house in separate parts to her, shes watching TV, so your in the kitchen, she goes to her room, so you go on the PC etc...
Why not do what you want in whatever room, regardless of her? Its like there are unspoken rules between you. Things dont change unless you change something...
You say you often "put up the dinner" - does that mean serve up? Could you say you will take over the cooking some nights, or take turns? Would she not let you, is the kitchen/cooking "her" domain? Sounds like she is busy if she is spending evenings doing homework, so despite you working full-time, maybe you should share the cooking with her? Ditto for shopping for food and doing laundry. In fact, can you split the chores 50/50 or 60/40 if shes not quite as busy as you? Maybe your M has become set in patterns becuase she was raising 4 boys and running the home, but shes working and doing college now...
If you end up splitting up (I hope not) you will be doing ALL your own cooking and washing and cleaning every night of the week, despite working full-time, so you may as well start doing 50% now!!? It may alter her attitude?
Sounds like she is a wall of resentments Jeff.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I third Kalni and second Ali. Ali makes some great points, but I'll just expand on one.
I think there is a certain resentment there that she used to be at SAHM and do all of that, and now that she has gone back to work she doesn't feel like you picked up the slack.
And Ali is absolutely right about having to do it all yourself. It's much nicer when you have someone to split it with, so enjoy it now!
I know one of the big fights my H and I were having last summer was that I was working more hours, then had to come home and cook dinner, and then had other chores to do. Since he wasn't working as many hours, I felt like he should be doing more than 50% of the housework. I didn't communicate that well. Instead, I nagged him, he nagged me, and we fought a lot. Then, even worse, he stopped arguing with me about it and was silently resentful.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Jeff, we are back to my favorite thing, decluttering. It seems to me that your wife has very specific things that annoy her. Now, they might not be things that are important to you, but they obviously are to her. So maybe, my friend, you could put aside for a little while the fact that you dont get why they mean so much to her, AND JUST DO ONE OF THEM. Just pick one of the things in the house that you know has been bothering her - and just fix it, clear it, clean it or get rid of it. I am positive that she will notice. She will feel that she was heard, ya know? Just do it.
And congrats on the no coke, the yoga, the eating better,and the counseling - you should be real proud of yourself.
(((((Michelle)))))(((((Kalni)))))(((((Ali))))) I think if we added up all the kitchen chores and cooking, it probably comes out really close to 50-50. I do almost all of the cooking and cleaning on weekends, usually I make enough for leftovers on Monday, as well. I clean up several nights during the week, as well. I also prepare some meals during the week, on nights that she works. Sometimes she has got things set up so that the kids can take care of it. The kitchen might not always be cleaned to her standard, but it is clean, almost all the time. So, at least in my mind, the kitchen is the one place where she doesn't really have much room for complaint. Oh, one other thing, on the kitchen. Our house is very un-English! I can watch TV with then even if I am taking care of the dishes, so it isn't quite so bad. The kitchen looks out onto the family room.
I so all of the kids laundry, and mine. She has taken to doing hers, for whatever reason, I don't know.
As far as the assuming discussions, I am trying to change how I approach the situations, to see if the results are any different. SO, in this case, that meant, for me, leaving her the opening to say what she wanted to say, without reading from the usual script. The result wasn't very interesting, but it was a different approach. so, I guess what I am saying is that I am assuming that if I do what I always do, she will most likely do what she always does. So I am trying to do something different.
(((((Beginnersmind))))) I started weeding the area next to the sidewalk to the from door this afternoon. I think that is one area that was bothering her, so hopefully that will help!
Jeff, none of us are saying you don't contribute. We're not even saying it's not 50-50.
We're saying you don't do the things that are important to her. It's more important to do one or two of the most important things than 100 other things that don't matter as much!
(((Jeff)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I didn't mean to get defensive, just to point ou tthat I do a lot of the things that I thought were trouble spots. One problem is that when I focus on things that I think are important to her, the target changes, or at least it feels like it does. That's one of the things that I have to figure out how to deal with. Which leads to me doing what I need to do for me, which I hope will also be helpful in getting the things that she sees as important get done. I'm tired of doing things that she wants, with no sign of appreciation. I think that may be the passive aggressive thing the C referred to today. I will have to talk about that with her some more, how do I deal with it?
Unfortunately, I think one of your mistakes is hoping for signs of appreciation from your W on this stuff. (((Jeff)))
Perhaps you can try actually asking for comments. E.g. do you like how the walkway looks (that you weeded)? After all, one technique is to ask for what you want!
I think your C should also have some good ideas.
Keep up the good work.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
