Anyone like me?

[Frank V]

Mark, talking to you maybe is good because you can help me see this clearly.

I try to put a constructive perspective on things is all. I don't know if I would call it clear. If this man was a respectable person or not isn't helping you. Once you decide to commit to your husband, you MUST look at the OM as someone who knowingly trode where he didn't belong.

Your husband is hurting much more than this man ever will I can promise you that. Did you lie to the OM? Did you cheat on the OM with your husband? Did your husband violate his relationship with his wife at a VERY difficult time?

Michelle indicates that it is never over until both members of the household give up hope. Well, this OM got involved long before that and he's grown up enough to recognize that and steer clear.

I am NOT painting him to be a monster, but these are the traits you need to accept to move past him. That coupled with recognizing all the pain your husband went through and IS going through FOR YOU.

He loves YOU and is willing to walk through this TORTURE to have you. That's awfully courageous of him I would think. Compare that to the cowardly behaviour of the OM not taking a stand on where you were at with your husband and just letting the subject linger - not facing the truth head on and finding out the facts.

The most courageous thing he could have done is pounded on your husband's door and told your husband to fight for you, that you were great and he's going to lose you if he doens't do something.

THAT I would admire the OM for, but your husband seems to be taking the brave role of walking through this painful road with you to recovery. It was easy to bail and run, but he's staying to fight through the affair with you. I love this guy!

In the Om's mind...he thought that I had "grievded" already...I thought I was healed and ready to move on, and I made the OM feel that way, too...He never encouraged me to lie to H, he thought it was done. He did, at one point, ask if H knew I was seeing someone else and I told him, what I thought at the time: I assume so, I'm gone all the time. He said "well, thinking "maybe" and "knowing for sure" are two different things. He said "he might not be as happy with you if he knows for sure". But, that really was all that was said about that.

Yes, he avoided the painful subject at hand - the truth. The fact that he avoided it tells me he sensed there was something unresolved and delicate there. That thing that was unresolved and delicate was hope for your marriage. He avoided it to keep the affair going.

The fact that he DIDN'T press the matter and just let the topic linger does suggest he was willing to make moral compromises and hurt your husband to be with you.

He has a conscience, I applaud that, but he got involved in something he would have done best to steer clear from...you MUST focus on this point. Believing you hurt him and that he was being treated unfairly etc will just make you miserable and hold you back.

If you read divorce remedy or any of michelle's books, she makes the point that walk away wive's say things they don't feel, they blurt and act on the impulse of a very down mood.

You may have told the OM you left, you may have felt miserable and felt like leaving, but you and your husband clearly had some unresolved issues, and this man got in the way of that. You MUST focus on that part to see him in a way that helps you get past him.

I know you tried to convince him you were done, and you wanted to believe it yourself, but Michele indicates that when couples are divorcing or separated they are often miserable too...and when people are in pain they say things they don't feel deep inside. They say they are "done" and have affairs to hide the pain, to avoid admitting they love their spouse and miss them, and that they don't want to see things end.

Affairs and saying you are done are just a means to escape feeling hopeless. Counselling is a much healthier optoin than this. Take it. I honeslty think my wife's affair was used to cover up how miserable she was. She is convinced she loves him, but I think she just enjoys the escape he offers her. Its much easier to hide in an affair than face the long journey to relationship recovery.

I see what you are saying about your W OM. I didn't have a miscarriage or anything like that. I had been separated for about a year and a half from my H and told OM that I was divorcing. Again, he isn't still after me....I'm just still haunted by my thoughts of him.

Ok, i thought i read you saying he was calling your cell phone still. I will have to read over the thread again.

I see what you are saying about ... holding my marriage back...I do realize that my H is devoted to me and dealing with his pain of thoughts of the knowledge of OM makes me hurt more than how I feel about the OM.

You have no idea how easy and tempting it is for him to just say "I don't need all this crap" and run for the safety of a new relationship. Don't let him do this, he's likley tempted. Let the other man go and love this guy that is walking through fire for you.

Update- H talks about OM again last night....I answer some and tell him that if he wants to ask more we should see a MC and talk about it in there.

Definitely push for the counsellor, but make sure you help him understand you want HIM to heal and love and trus tyou again, that you want counselling to have you both HEAL, not someone to hide behind.

I've read people's posts in here and almost everyone says that knowing details does NOT help them and they wish they didn't know.

Its a tough call. "Not just friends" is my favourite infidelity book and the author reccomends it as a means to bond with yoru spouse again. Being an open book to your husband must start with the details of the affair...according to her.

I would reccomend your husband read some books on infidelity and work with a counsellor. Its a dangerous road to tread on with the two of you just alone, at a very delicate time. He does need to know some, but let him know you want to heal and a counsellor may help guide you both there more gently.

I leave it up to him. I said that I don't want him to think I am keeping secrets,

Thats a perfect response...just be careful, he is hurting and may ask things when hurting just to hurt himself more...people do that. Make sure you tell him you love him and show it, before and after each of these dicussions. Keep the talks about the affair short...don't let it go on until you end up fighting.

I just don't think it will help to know specifics.

The thing is, it CAN help. You don't konw what your husband's imagination is doing to him. Your details may clear up a lot of hurt that his imagination is doing that is just in his head. I had a fight with my wife a year ago becuase she told me to stay away from our house for one day.

She wanted ONE DAY ALONE. I tried, I just tortured myself with the idea I would go home and find the house empty and all her things gone. I thought she wanted me away for 24 hours so she could move out. I ignored her request and went home to stop her.

She had secretly ended all contact with the OM.

I didn't give her the day she asked for, we had a fight, she blurted out she broke it off with the OM and wanted ONE DAY of peace to grieve. But said I coudln't even give her that and that I had let her down. She went back to him the next day.

My point is that my IMAGINATION ruined something good. If she had just TOLD me she left him I would have given her a MONTH if she needed it, but she wanted to keep it secret...because she thought it would HELP her and I. My imagination ruined that chance I had a year ago. If I had just trusted her that day, this guy could have been gone a year earlier. We could have had our first child by now.

Instead, he's still violating my home on a daily basis because I was an ass and let my imagination run wild - and she woudln't tell me the details I needed to help her.

Keeping secrets prompts him to use his imagination when he's hurting. He may be dreaming up things he thinks the two of you did that never even happened, sexually or otherwise. Try to EASE some worry if you can and diffuse his upset.

Believe me his imagination is likely in hyperdrive right now and beating him up every night. Tell him things you DIDN'T do, BEFORE he asks...criticize the OM a bit, call him dissappointing. Use it to make your husband feel better.

For example, he knows what the OM did for fun and he already has referenced him whenever that topic comes up.

Make sure you tell him : "I don't want to sweep what happened under the rug, I lied to you and I am very sorry, but I am trying to erase his memory from my mind and heart, please help me do that by NOT pressing him into my mind often. I know you need to konw what happened, but I need to erease all memory of it so I can enjoy a life with YOU...please try to work on letting him go, so I can as well. I love you."

That's something he would likley want to hear, which would help you as well. Change as you feel appropriate.

He talks about MOther's Day. I know what he is going to get me because he wanted me to tell him. Im not sure I even want that. I wish he would just do something on his own.

Right now is NOT the time for you two to be playing guessing games and trying to read each others' minds, even for gifts.

There was a serious disconnect with communication and boundaries between the two of you when you separated, boundaries were crossed when you were separated he didn't envision being crossed. A lot of shock and surprise has hit him recently.

The BOTH of you SAYING what you WILL do and DOING exaclty that, and NOT doing anything else will rebuild trust. Playing games and trying to leave each other uncertain about what's going to happen, even for gifts touches on some very delicate feelings.

Try to keep surprises for a healtheir time for the two of you.

I know you feel like he isn't being sincere when you tell him what you want, but right now the best thing you two can do is say eveyrthing that's on your mind and NOT keep secrets or play guessing games. That's fun when you are in stage one and dating, but not when you are recovering from infidelity.

Right now you need to be very specific with what you want, and he as well, and you two need to do that and don't take any unplanned turns.

Give the relationship time to heal, don't press him to try too much too soon, nor you as well. Just get used to each other's faces again. Don't rush the feelings, they will come back at their own pace.