Finding DB late in the game #4

[CBK]

Michelle - great post, right on. Brings tears to my eyes.

CBK

[cw68]

I took my wedding rings off. S5 cried when I picked him up from school, I carried him the walk home. He kept saying how unhappy and hurt he was that "Dad made a bad choice for us" by moving to the apartment and how he must not care how he feels. D6 asked if Dad left because of them. They are so sad. I cannot believe that he could do this to them without trying everything to repair our R first. He said, in response to me mentioning that he never wants to do anything alone with me, that "he doesn't want to deal with us yet." So instead he's making the kids deal with it and that's just plain wrong.

I'm detaching more and more. Jerk. I can understand being unhappy, I can understand having problems, I really can. But for the life of me I can't understand how he could do this to two really special young kids before exhausting every resource. I can't understand how he can see their hurt and still not try to move mountains to keep them from this pain. Jerk.

[GoingForward]

(((((((cw68 and babies)))))))

He is a jerk. You can call my H one, too, if you'd like. I don't mind.

[Sara]

You are absolutely right CW. I don't know how anyone could be so selfish as to ignore their children's pain to indulge themselves for such a long time. I could see going away for a weekend, or a week, but not more. Children need parents, and they know they need them.

[JenInVen]

Great post Michelle. Someone told me that a long time ago and I never really listened. Slap (me hitting myself)

CW why did you take off your rings?

I'm so sorry about your little boy. He seems very in touch with his feelings. Sometimes they say so much. I took D out to eat and she said she wanted to eat with her family. I told her that this was the way it would be for a while but I'm her family and I'd always be there for her. Poor little ones. I wonder how they'll ever be ok.

Our WAS's seem to think no matter what the kids will be fine and they're tough. I have tried to let H know this is not true but I feel like I'm talking to a wall.

Jerk is too nice a word I think.

Jen

[cw68]

I took them off because I am seriously questioning how much I personally want this to work. I will continue to work on our reltionship and ultimately hope it works out. I made my vows for better and worse and believe that my children deserve together parents. BUT I am seeing my H in a completely different light than I've ever seen him in before. During the dark pre-DB days, I told him that he's not the man I married, but I really see it completely different now. Before I meant that the man I married wouldn't leave his wife and kids. Yet now I see that the man I married wouldn't have had an EA, wouldn't have put his friends and kids before his wife, wouldn't have hung around with such snobby people, wouldn't hurt his kids because he couldn't deal with something. The "old" H was much better than that.

So I need to readjust my line of thinking and my personal beliefs in this marriage to the one I'm really in, the person I'm really married to.

Last night was the first step in a new beginning for me. I worked my kids' school carnival. Instead of the usual casual, comfy outfit I would have normally worn, I wore a casual, comfy, all-white sundress with matching shoes. Just as functional, but it looked striking and stylish. I got a ton of compliments, including one from H. I believe he noticed the rings gone. When the carnival was over, the "old" me would have stayed to help H clean up the kitchen from the ant infestation we have going on, fed the kids, blah blah blah. But I just said I had to go. H asked me where "we" were going (I guess he assumed I was going out with girlfriends) and since I didn't really have anything planned, just said, "I don't care. Anywhere." And I left.

H gave me his new computer to play with this weekend, a new Mac Air Book (MY GOD, they are cool. No bigger than a notebook.) but the internet connection at the apartment isn't working. The darn thing doesn't have a DVD slot, so I ended up watching "Charlie Wilson's War" on the 7" car travel player in bed after getting yummy take out and a couple beers. I had a most lovely evening.

Called the kids this morning, D asked if I wanted to talk to Dad and I said, "No, let me talk to your brother." H just called as I was typing this and I hit "ignore." I will see them at S5's t-ball game at three. No contact until then.

I'm off. Probably won't be back on until tomorrow night because of internet problems. Have a good weekend and happy mother's day, too, to y'all!

[cw68]

OK. Total DB backslide, but I needed to do it for me. We met at S5's tball game today. I brought up our R, how angry I've become at him for not being able to face us but being able to make the kids face it. I told him I needed him to go to Retro. He asked if it was at a Catholic church and I told him it was and shared what I knew about the program. Then I asked him if he was willing to do MC. He said, "Maybe sometime." I told him that wasn't enough. I mentioned that maybe it was time to get a two-bedroom apartment, that I had to move on. That I still believed marriage is forever and mentioned the things we, collectively, didn't do that I think if we decide to do would make a much better marriage. Told him that I thought the kids deserved it, that we were worth it and that I still believed in him. Lastly I told him that I think he even if it's against his will, he should make the effort, that I have been going against my will since January and it's turned to be a good thing. Maybe if he goes against his will it could be a good thing, but at the very least we'll be right where we are. I told him that the kids are having to go outside of their comfort zone every single day and perhaps he owes it to them to that himself. We did talk about how the "we" of us has definitely gotten better, that we are at the best point we've been in in a long while.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go swimming with him and the kids, but I had limited time since I had made plans for later today. I hate that it made me look like the bad guy that my kids asked to spend time with me and I said "no." I said goodbye to the kids, who had already climbed into their carseats, so I didn't get a hug or kiss goodbye. I started crying and pulled out of the parking lot. H's car was behind me. Unfortunately, my gate wasn't shut and I had to pull over to shut it. I waved him past, but he wouldn't go around me. I slammed it shut, made a quick turn and totally broke down.

The I gathered myself and made a call. I told him not to tell the kids it was me on the phone. I told him that I wasn't ever going to bring up our R again. That I just assumed it was over, that he had made his decisison. Told him that if he doesn't go to Retro with me then it's over, that I was giving him a chance to walk away without even having to tell me. If he ever changed his mind, then he could tell me, but otherwise I'm moving on. That this happy family that we play is just too difficult for me. That it just hurts too much to have our S cry every day and still it doesn't make him want to actually do anything to improve us. So I told him next weekend when I have the kids, that we won't be around, that he can come for dinner on Sunday, but I might take them out of town or something, that I'm just fed up and need to move on.

Maybe I killed what was left of our R today. I don't know. I know that H put the bullets in it earlier.

I'm upset, but like I told him, I'm fine either way. IMO, he's the one who's going to have to live with himself and his choices. I didn't choose this, but I can choose to save what's left of my sanity.

[JenInVen]

(((CW)))

I'm sorry that you had to go through this today especially right before Mother's Day.

I think however that they have to be told the truth at some point in the R/S. Your H has to make a decision and even though you may have pushed a bit I think that it was necessary at this stage.

Just try and relax and spend tomorrow with you two little angels.

Jen

[Sara]

Very good. You did exactly the right thing. You called his bluff. Now follow through. Do exactly what you said you'd do. Who cares where Retrouvaille is? If it's in a church or on the moon. It doesn't matter. If you want to fix your relationship then you will go and do the work necessary. You told him the right things. You made a stand. I think you will get what you want. But you have to stay determined. He doesn't know what he wants or where he's going. You show leadership, he is likely to follow.

[newnamenewlife]

Good for you, CW. I agree that it gets to a point where someone has to take action. I am following in your footsteps.

Good move with the rings--has he taken his off? I have thought about that too if my H&I S. There's a couple we know who recently S (same sitch, he's not in love, needs space). The W still has her ring on while the H's is off. That struck me as a little pathetic on her part and made me think that I will remove my rings if H does. Even if we were to reconcile, I'd want a new ring to symbolize a new M.

And you know I feel exactly the same about H leaving the kids (check out what happened the other night on my thread.)

There really is something wrong with these guys. Maybe MLC is truly a mental illness. Something really distorts the way they think.