We just went to see a close relative of H's who is sadly in a hospice with not much longer to live. After we got out, I gave H a hug, but he kind of pushed me away and said something like 'last time I hugged you, you cried' (it was last weekend when he said he wasnt coming back). I then stupidly tried to kiss him (I know, I know) and he actually responded to the kiss! But then he pulled away and said 'You're making this hard' (coincidently I was, but thats another matter!). I kissed him again and he did kiss me back, but then said he couldnt because he'll just keep getting texts from me (I take it he was referring to when I was upset on Monday and was texting him about the wedding DVD). Then he pulled away and said 'I've got to go now, I'm so tired from work I need to go to bed'.
So what a mess I have made it. I was going to be all strong but I was so overcome with emotion seeing his dying relative. I just knew that I couldnt let him go.
Stupid stupid stupid.
Lea xxx
Me-26 H-27 T-10 years M-20 months First bomb-Feb 07 Second bomb-March 08
honey, you are so young! (ok, we are as young as we feel ) don't despair, with or without him you will CAN be happy, you are just able to see this now because the pain is too great. Hollywood has messed up our minds about love, about "the one", i also believed stbx was the one for me and likewise. I now believe that one can be as happy if not even more with another person. I know this is not what you want to hear, but in order to let go of the pain that burns you you must face the fact that you can be happy if he never comes back. Once you are free from that anxiety you will be able to think clearly and get a reign on your emotions when you see him.
It is a rollercoaster, we all go through it, one day we feel like we can do it all, next day we are down low. The important thing is that you keep moving forward.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi Lea... Cat03 is right I guess, and people said this to me, but its easy to say it when youre already in taht place! And I, like you, dont want to think I can be happy with someone else, as I am still committed to my BF. But maybe one day I will get to that point.
Anyway.. WOW !! So.. its not as clear cut as he has led you to believe!? Ok, so the pursueing him, reaching out, kissing isnt recommended, but it was in the context of an emotionally charged event.. so dont sweat it I say. Just use the knowledge that there are feelings lurking in him to keep you on track. I think if you step back, dont initiate contact, let him come to you, you may find he does ring, or text. When he does, be light and friendly and accept the contact. One thing I didnt do though (i think DB says you should though) is to say "I'm fine!", as I couldnt lie to him. So if he ever asked me how I was, I just evaded the question, or said,well, how was so and so today? - so threw it back to him.
I dont know what anyone else would advise, but I say, sit tight, DONT text or call him (he said he had backed off and didnt want to hug you becuase then he was afraid you would be texting him) and let him sit with his decision - this is important. He has to know what its like to miss you, know what it feels like to have made this decision to leave. So dont contact him! Wait and see what he does... If you feel weak, or tempted POST HERE!!! Thats what I did and I managed a whole month of NC, then he phoned me for a chat...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
It really does make them wonder about you and your life...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Go to other rooms if you can! When you speak, be happy, upbeat and AS IF! And if you can, tell him you've got plans and end the visit early- don't let him decide when it ends.
I have just read though your posts on here. One thing that struck me is that your H might associate you with HIS problems - the money stresses etc, and that's why he can appear to function away from you but he has depression.When he is not with you he can forget about all the bad things. He may well be compartmenatlising stuff subconsciously - and you got stuffed in with the 'bad' things. I wouldn't take it personally. When I was really depressed I would project my horrid feelings onto my H, I would think he was judging me and blaming me for things, (and he wasn't), but it made me want to be away from him. I appeared to be functioning at a fairly high level elsewhere and I could appear 'happy' with others, whilst inside I felt like I wanted to die. I would also be places and then need to go home. I would have panic attacks etc. I got put on a mix of AD's plus valium and propanalol. When I was ready to look at myself I went to see a therapist. I had to be ready to do that though - I knew I needed help and even so it took me a few false starts. I found that the sort of C my GP would refer me to didn't help. Eventually I saw a psychiatrist, (mainly to look at the interactions of all the meds my GP had put me on), and he referred me to a clinical psychologist who practices Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. He is very good and I am pretty close to you so if you wanted his contact I could give it to you. He really helps me look at things differently. He showed me how my thought processes could get skewed and how to resolve that problem. Thing was though, I had to WANT, to go and I don't think your H has probably hit bottom yet; I had to really hit the bottom before I would acknowledge I needed help and then was able to open up. I am now off all meds etc and functioning well.
I had had a whole lot happen in both my own and my H's family and it had all ground me down, along with other general stuff; I just couldn't cope.
Be as cheerful and breezy as you can be with your H. I know it will be hard. Even when I was low like that and didn't function well with my H I NEVER looked at anyone else. Infact it drove HIM to be the one that had the A, (and he was the one I would put in your shoes). We never separated though because we had children.
When it comes to GAL why don't you do something that's physical so that it tires you out as well. It's pretty flat in Bedfordshire- how about cycling? Or take up something like horse riding. If you want something less energetic there are loads of book clubs / reading groups around, or start going out dancing- again there are loads of different clubs / groups around and you can go with other GF's or even by yourself; people tend to swap around when they dance so no-one is left out.
I hope I am making sense!!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi Lea.. I agree with Saffie.. I guess you cant check your thread though as H is there !!!! I hope its going ok, if you do get to check here though....resist all urges to bring up the R, or hug him, or cry or ANYTHING! If he hugs you, then accept the hug, but just dont initiate anything. I had to do this the day my BF came round in January to collect all his stuff. I was dying inside and it was very hard, so whenever I thought I would burst into tears, I moved to another room... I helped him pack though, was nice, friendly, made him lunch.. treated him like a flat mate moving out, you'd help them right? I wasnt in a great place so wasnt super chatty or happy, clearly, I was quiet, but I kept my feelings to myself and let him be responsible for waht he was doing, I didnt pour emotion on him. My sister (who went through this and DBed and got her H back) says, that if you dont show emotion, they cant just pin their emotions on you, so if you are weak and tearful and vunerable, they can take the opposite position and push you away and , well, I'm not explaining this very well, but if you act AS IF and do not put your emotions on to them, then they have nothing to do but notice their own and they cant blame you for it. They have to sit with their own emotions.
I hope its going ok, thinking of you,
Ali xxx _______________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar Stuck in Stage 2 !
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I havent met you before.. your description of how you experienced depression and it affecting your R was hugely helpful. I have struggled to understand how my loving partner could walk out on 9 years of a solid R. We also had a lot of stress and he said the past 2 1/2 years had taken its toll on him. He got diagnosed with depression in March and I find it hard to see him being "happy" and doing well in all areas of his life now the ADs have kicked in, but he still hasnt express regret at leaving. It would be great to talk to you some more on my thread about depression if you could...? Ali xxx _______________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar Stuck in Stage 2 !
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks for your advice, it really has helped. H has been called back into work so is coming back over later.
Saffie-what you said about H associating me with the bad things-I totally agree. This is a thought I have had many times. I even once told him that but of course he denied it. When he was unable to work because his medication made him sleepy (he's a driver!) we got into a significant amount of debt. Now when we talk about it, he seems to blame me for our money troubles! He says that I'm reckless with money (I admit, sometimes I am but mainly I'm good!). He has also said he doesnt like our lifestyle (house, mortgage, cat, dog etc). Whats that all about?!
I really think the problem is within him, but in turn it has had a negative effect on our M. Its like he has put a wall up between us, and while we can chat about every day stuff, our 'connection' and intimacy has gone. If that makes sense?? His eyes just seems so dead. I feel that he is running away from what he thinks is the problem (me, house, etc). I can see that he really believes that his feelings have gone-but how can I turn that around? The distance between us gets greater each day. He seems to have accepted that this part of his life is over, closed the door and has moved on with little emotion.
Please could I have the details of your psychologist? H said he would look into seeing someone about his issues. He regularly sees his GP and was referred to a psychiatrist last year when he was really depressed. He has an appointment with the psychiatrist this month. He also saw a C that his GP referred him to last year, but it didnt seem to help him at all. Its like on some leves he accepts he has a problem, but then seems to blame it all on our relationship. He seems insistent that he is depressed because of the guilt he feels of not wanting to be with me. The GP is slowly taking him off his meds at H's request. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
When he comes back I am going to be cheery and nice. This morning he woke me up (was in sexy little pj's so actually wasnt a bad thing!) but I was quite surprised to see him so early and ended up a bit emotional. He has decided that he wants to share cutody of our dog and wants to see him at least once a week!! How does that work?? He seems to think that I will always be there for him (which I will but thats not the point!). He said he just wants me to move on as quickly as possible.
Right so the mantra for this afternoon is............no emotion, no emotion, no emotion!
Thanks again
Lea xxx
Me-26 H-27 T-10 years M-20 months First bomb-Feb 07 Second bomb-March 08
) don't despair, with or without him you will CAN be happy, you are just able to see this now because the pain is too great. Hollywood has messed up our minds about love, about "the one", i also believed stbx was the one for me and likewise. I now believe that one can be as happy if not even more with another person. I know this is not what you want to hear, but in order to let go of the pain that burns you you must face the fact that you can be happy if he never comes back. Once you are free from that anxiety you will be able to think clearly and get a reign on your emotions when you see him.