Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

Yes, resistance has been a major theme for me. Everyone is right about needing to let go, change my thoughts, etc, but as many of us know, actually disentangling from someone you've been with for almost half your life is NOT easy. I have a particularly painful history of abandonment, too, so that makes it extra hard. I appreciate the 2 x 4s, I do. They work for a while and then I'm back in my misery. I am, however, as "dark" with H as possible these days, truly. My friends are amazed at how cheerful and as-iffish I am around him.

At the moment, I am struggling (not visibly, just inside) with the idea of being a single mom. Oddly enough, EVERY one I know is married (minus one friend). I live in a progressive city, but I feel really weird being one of the few single people in my circle. We used to go out with couples/families--am I now the 3rd wheel, tagging along with couple friends? There are so many big and small ways in which life will change, I feel exhausted thinking about it.

Also--OK, get the 2x4s ready--I can't help but having this old-fashioned sense of "why can everyone else keep a husband but me?" I think of the millions of women I know whose Hs are there and I can't help but wonder what it is, what I did, to mess things up.

Are these feelings healthy--NO. But I do need to get them off my chest.

When I was a kid, we had this medical textbook that had absolutely revolting photos of skin diseases. I would put the book up on a high shelf so I couldn't get it, but then I would become obsessed with having to look at it, to freak myself out. I guess that is my way sometimes--to look at my ugliest feelings head-on. I think it helps me to de-mystify them, but I know that I am more inclined to dwell on that stuff than on the positives--and that must change, I know, I know!