Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Thanks NG. It does seem like forever but really it's just been 4 1/2 months. I just don't know how to be anything other than a wife and mother. I have been with my H since I was 18. I have no idea who I am now but I'm trying to figure it out.

As usual, I just pretend he's dead so I don't get resentful of the fact that he left me with all the responsibility for EVERYTHING! The house, the bills, our son, the car on half the total salary. Oh well.....working on it.

Hoping to stay in my house. It's just a rental so no mortgage to worry about increasing. I have a lease that we had just renewed last August for 2 years.

It's seriously lonely here. I have two other people in my house (my S13 and my mom) but I'm terribly lonely. Does that make sense?

[Grace_O]

It's seriously lonely here. I have two other people in my house (my S13 and my mom) but I'm terribly lonely. Does that make sense?

Makes total sense. I swear that the loneliness lies in wait. Sometimes it really blindsides me.

I know you'll figure out what's best and the best way to do it with regards to your home.

[mishka422]

I'm just so tired of being devastated and in so much pain every day, all day. It's just too much effort to put on a happy face and pretend.

This is all so ridiculous. This is going to sound like a bunch of self-pitying nonsense but it's the way I honestly feel and I can't seem to get my mind and heart around it. I feel like there has to be something terribly wrong with me but the cosmic joke is that no one will man up and tell me what it is, least of all my H. I failed as a wife and I'm failing as a mother. I am obviously completely lacking in any capabilities where love and marriage are concerned. I wasn't enough to keep my family together, I wasn't enough, never good enough. I never have been, never will be.

This hopeless feeling is so overwhelming. I'm a useless, waste of space and no good to anyone. Knowing that I have no chance at any measure of happiness in my future is paralyzing. Never to be held again, never to feel that another person cares for me. It's too much for me to handle.

I'm not pretty, not smart, I'm overweight, and I have no personality. Boy, do you wonder why my H left me? I'm just such a catch. I don't know why he was ever with me in the first place. Obviously just biding his time until something better came along. I used to think I was so lucky to have such a wonderful H and beautiful son. I didn't deserve them. Now, I know that I was seriously lucky for a while but that luck ran out.

I should have stuck to the vow I made to myself 20 years ago. I promised myself that I would never let any man get close enough to hurt me like I had been hurt so many times before. I broke that vow and look where it got me. The worst pain and suffering I've ever had.

My dreams are gone, my family is gone, I don't know what else I can do. There is no future for me. I'm just not made of strong enough stuff to get through this.

[Grace_O]

I know the pain. We all do. You're right that it takes alot of effort. It takes all I've got to reframe the same thoughts you have. I can go there with the self-pity too.

I feel like there has to be something terribly wrong with me but the cosmic joke is that no one will man up and tell me what it is, least of all my H.

Forget about someone else telling you what's "wrong" with you. Your H should have the stones to put his issues with you on the table. Don't let the fact that he doesn't stop you from your own "soul searching" and introspection. Are you the woman you want to be? If not who is she? How do you move towards that vision? It's hard work and I don't always like what I see. One of the tricks I use is to see myself through my H's eyes. The other is to set goals (some small and some big) and what I'm doing to move towards them.

I failed as a wife and I'm failing as a mother. I am obviously completely lacking in any capabilities where love and marriage are concerned. I wasn't enough to keep my family together, I wasn't enough, never good enough. I never have been, never will be.

First of all a failure is an event, never a person (IMO). Second you didn't fail. It's just that we can only control ourselves, not someone else. That he is lost right now does not in any way diminish what you're doing and your value as a wife and mother. I've struggled for a long time with not feeling "good enough". I've always been good enough even when I wasn't perfect. Even when I screwed up. You are too.

This hopeless feeling is so overwhelming. I'm a useless, waste of space and no good to anyone. Knowing that I have no chance at any measure of happiness in my future is paralyzing. Never to be held again, never to feel that another person cares for me. It's too much for me to handle.

It can be overshelming and it can sneak up on you. What you have to remember is that you are not worth less than anyone. Right now,you may feel like you'll never be happy again, but you will. It will take time and you need to look for the joy in a moment. Doesn't have to be big stuff, just don't wait for your life to "arrive" (when I'm thin enough, when I'm rich enough, when I'm.....enough). You are enough. You have value and worth. Ever see the film or read the book "The joy Luck Club"? More than one daughters story has to do with discovering her self worth.

I'm not pretty, not smart, I'm overweight, and I have no personality.

Buzz. Thank you for playing. In whose eyes? Your own? You H loved you enough that he wanted to marry you. I'll bet he thought you were the cat's meow. If you'd like to look nicer, change how you dress and/or your make-up. Smarter? Take up something new. Something you're passionate about. It's amazing how smart we are about the things we're really interested in. Weight? This is a tough one for me. I've struggled with it most of my life. I look pretty good now, at least I'm happier with it. I focus on my health as opposed to the scale and I walk (if nothing else), lift weights and take pilates at a community college. Has my H ever said a word? Nope. The point is, I like what I see when I look in the mirror. Personality? I think you're depressed and overwhelmed right now. Ask a friend or even someone you work closely with how they'd describe you. It helps sometimes to see ourselves through the eyes of another.

I used to think I was so lucky to have such a wonderful H and beautiful son. I didn't deserve them. Now, I know that I was seriously lucky for a while but that luck ran out.

Ummm, they are lucky to have you too. Whether you believe it or not right now, you deserve to be cherished and you will be. Everytime you think the negatives you need to stop yourself (it'll be hard at first) and replace it with a positive. Get a nice thick rubberband and wear it on your wrist. Snap that puppy hard when you catch yourself thinking this way. If that doesn't work try jumping up (yes in public) and screaming bugga bugga. Then if nothing else say to yourself that "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others", "I am beneath no one" and "I fearlessly face any and all challenges". I like to do this a couple of times a day while I look in the mirror. Try to see the fire in your soul (not your eyes).

The promise you made to yourself reminds me of the song "I am a Rock" (Simon and Garfunkle). It comes from a place of torment and hurt. No one should live that way. IMO to live without reaching out is truly a wasted life. We all have gifts to offer. When we don't know what they are, we need to dig deeper to find them. As much as I hate that I'm going through this mess, it has opened my eyes to much and given me an opportunity that I would not have taken otherwise.

My dreams are gone, my family is gone, I don't know what else I can do. There is no future for me. I'm just not made of strong enough stuff to get through this.

Your family isn't gone. It may have changed (even if it's a temporary change), but family is what you decide it will be.
There is always a future and hope. Of course you can get through this. There really isn't another option. you have a son to raise and I can tell what he means to you. This is where you cowboy up and be the Mom he deserves. You can do it. I'm psycho (oops, that's psychic).

Do you have a C or DB coach you talk to? I've found the DB coach I talk with really helpful. I can't call alot ($), but I really think I get a big bang for my buck. I hope you feel better tomotrrow.

HUGS

HUGS

[mishka422]

Grace, I must say you are a Godsend. I will take everything you said and process it. I will try to see the good that could come from this situation and search for my purpose.

I don't know how I fell into this hole so suddenly. I was doing really well for the last couple of weeks and then WHAM!

I don't have a C anymore. I couldn't afford to go anymore even though it was just my co-pay. Unfortunately, I can't afford a DB coach either.

You are so wonderful Grace! Again, thank you so much for your wise words. This board has literally saved my life because of the amazing people here like you.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!

[Nature Girl]

Yes Mishka, read Grace's post again and again! I know you can get yourself out of that overwhelmed dejected feeling just by reading your earlier posts than the ones from yesterday evening.

You can do it!!!

[Grace_O]

I will try to see the good that could come from this situation and search for my purpose.

I had an intersting thought the other day. It was that somehow going through this and the way I handle things would make a difference later on (and a big one) to one of my D's. That thought has really made me think about what I'm doing and why.

I know the C and DB thing can be tough dollar wise. It is for me too. I'm always weighing what I'm getting out of it vs what I pay. It sure makes me think things trhough and try things on my own before I call.

I completely understand what you mean about this board. I don't know where I'd be now without it. The generosity and honesty of some amazing folks has gotten me through some dark times and been a rope to help me climb out of some deep pits.

You're welcome.

BIG HUGS

[mishka422]

I don't know what happened that got me into such a funk last night and this morning. I think I'm coming out of it again. That is just a terrible way to feel!

I had started to do better when I got to work and then around noon I got a text from H. He usually only sends me texts or calls me if it has something to do with S13. His text said that he was on administrative leave from work and had to go see "a shrink". GOOD GRIEF!!!!! So now this MLC is hitting his job hard. I have been scared to death for him since I realized just how far down he has gone into this depression. The man carries a gun for a living and has told me that sometimes he sits in his car alone at night and thinks, "What the heck. I've got a gun, I should just get this over with." He said the only thing that stopped him was thinking of our son. We traded texts back and forth for a few minutes. He told me he was at the psychiatrists office in the waiting room. I asked him to please call me later and he said he would. He knows I'm worried about him. I hope this doctor may be able to help him. My H will NOT take medication even though he needs it. He had actually been tested by our son's psychiatrist for ADD because of the similarities in behaviors that S13 and H share. My son has ADHD and Aspberger's syndrome and takes some pretty heavy duty medicines. The doctor determined that H has mild ADD based on the testing and prescribed Adderall for him. H took it for a while and said it really helped him focus A LOT! He suddenly stopped taking it and said he didn't like the way it made him feel. It didn't matter how much it helped him he just wouldn't take it anymore. Today he asked me if I still had the meds because the psychiatrist said he had to get back on them. I hope he puts him on more than that! The man needs AD's badly.

If he calls me tonight I'll let you know what he says. I'm not going to hold my breath though.

[mishka422]

Well H just called. Told me he has to go back on the ADD medication because his job performance has suffered due to his inability to pay close attention. Gee....you think?

I did ask him if he ever rescheduled his appointment with the therapist he was going to go see. He snorted into the phone and said, "That's a bunch of BS. I don't need to do that. I'm just fine." Well great. No movement on his side. He's just as happy as a lark I guess. I'm determined not to drop into the depths again tonight. I refuse to let him affect me that way. I really have to find a life and soon or I'm going to lose my darned mind.

[glamgirl]

Mishka I haven't posted to you for awhile. I am sorry you are feeling so down about yourself. You need to get out of that funk. You were doing so well with GOD in your life.

Continue down that path! He can help you get through this difficult time.

It sounds good that maybe your h can get the help he desperately needs. Everytime I see a cop now I think of you!

Keep us posted. Have a great weekend!