((((((Jeff))))))) Good job! Don't expect immediate results, keep trying for a couple weeks and see what happens
Originally Posted By: dry_heat
She said, "Yes, but that's not all of it." I waited, she didn't say anything else. And I wasn't going to prompt her. The kids were there, and there is really very little question where that would have gone.
Since I haven't been around your W for 23 years, I'm not sure where that would have gone - where do you THINK it would have gone and why?
I hope C this AM is good!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
She was studying, a bit later I asked if she had a test tomorrow, and if it was the make-up for what she didn't take last week during the appendectomy excitement. She said, "Yes, but that's not all of it." I waited, she didn't say anything else. And I wasn't going to prompt her.
OJ ~
Why didn't you ask her if there was anything around the house you could do for her so she could study, etc...
If I had asked, she would have started with something like, "You don't know? Look around! The house is a pigsty! (It isn't, really. It looks like people live in it.) The yard is a mess. (OK, it could be better.) etc. etc." There is a script. I've heard it and asking her would have been pointless, and would have taken time away from her studying, which would have also been my fault. I know I am assuming, but it isn't like I haven't been down that road before. In my mind it is a cheeseless tunnel. I did put up dinner, and clean up the kitchen and start the dishwasher.
I asked if she needed anything. Not surprisingly, she said no. But I am going to keep asking.
The C today said a few interesting things. I wish I was taking notes. About me, she thought that giving up the Coke for a month was an accomplishment! One that struck me was that often people around controlling people become passive-aggressive in response/defense. I don't think that I had even mentioned that W often says that I am passive-aggressive. The C seemed to think that the passive-aggressive behavior is a response to W's controlling behavior. She also said that I should focus on the things I can control, me! Imagine that! She thought the thing where W and S18 discovered me doing the yoga DVD might have been a good thing, I agree with that. She also said the people who had a lot of responsibility early (W did) often treat their spouses as children (she does). At least from what the C hears from me, and I try to be as honest as I can, W could really use some therapy! W claims to do a lot of self examination, but I think she stops at the parts that really would help. C said that some people have to be right, rather than happy, I said that's W. No solutions, really, except work on me, but I came away feeling like I'm not nearly as much of the problem as I have been made to feel. Also, I think, maybe, possibly, the ADs are starting to kick in. Maybe. It's too early to say for sure, but.....
Oh, and the scale today suggests that I have actually lost 2 pounds in the past couple of weeks. W moved the scale into the bathroom that she uses this week. I don't think she knew I was using it most days. So, I got a new one today. On Mother's Day I will put the new stylish one in the bathroom she uses, and return the old ratty one to the bathroom I use. I also saw some really good looking chocolate covered strawberries at Costco, I will ask the kids if they want to get those for her for Mother's Day.
A-hem *ducks* I'm gonna just throw it out there...but if you already know what she's gonna say, why don't you do some of it?
On happier news - sounds like a good C appt. And congrats on the yoga and no soda and now the weight loss!!! Keep it up!
I love the scale idea, and get the strawberries. Don't just make them from the kids, make them from you too. You said you normally don't make a big fuss over holidays, so try and do something bigger for this one!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Hey, Michelle! I do do some of the stuff, and am trying to do more. Unfortunately it is a moving target, usually. But, I am going to do my best, for me, and see what happens. I'm not interested in becoming a maid service. That part gets tricky.
I can understand that, LOL. Sounds like there is a difference in expectation between you and W on what constitutes a tidy home environment. Are there any little 180s that might be possible rather than donning a black mini-dress and pinafore?
Perhaps you could rotate things a little. Focus on one chore or area a week, even if that means neglecting other stuff. Really get it cleaned up, so then you can move on to something else and just try and maintain that - hopefully that would be less work?
At any rate, Happy Friday!!!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I think I need to lose a little more weight before I can wear the black minidress and the pinafore! And I might need to go on the Lisa enhancement diet!
I think I have been doing a better job at keeping the kitchen clean. The house is REALLY not that bad. Her house when she grew up had a museum quality about it. What it funny is that her parent's house is not like that now!
I will do some weeding while she is out this afternoon getting her hair done (which I will notice!).
Then perhaps you should handle it differently. E.g. ask her if there's something you can do, if she lists a bunch of stuff say that you understand her desire to have a clean house / nice garden whatever, that you wish you had more time, but that you can only do two things that day and ask if she can prioritize or pick two yourself. What I'm getting at is that she would feel heard and validated there. Because you not bringing it up doesn't make the problem go away in her mind.
Question - why do you say you'll do it when she is out? It seems like you try and accomplish a lot while she is gone, rather than when she is there. Of course, my thoughts are based solely on your posts, so I could be WAY off. But it seems to me that she sees you watch TV and play on your computer a lot and then you do things while she is at work or out and expect her to notice them.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
