Finding DB late in the game #4

[GoingForward]

No matter how much I love being with my kids, when I am not making money, I feel to an extent like I am spending my H's money, instead of OUR money.

I am right there with you all. I do work part-time (though very limited), but I still feel like I spend HIS money. Not OURS. During one R talk a couple years back, I told him that I felt like I wasn't a priority to him. Instead, I felt he thought of me as a responsibility. A financial burden. I remember him breaking down into tears, saying it was true, and that he felt terrible for feeling that way.

He is used to me being the "baby-sitter" and that is going to change soon.

Ditto - should my H and I end up in D.


cw, I hope you're feeling better today.

[cw68]

I am feeling better today. You know, I don't feel like I'm spending "his" money and I don't think he's ever felt that way. In terms of the house and family, we are a team. That's a positive, I guess.

H came by this morning to help with the extra kids we had over last night. He came up and hugged me right away. Interesting. When H left last night, he couldn't find his keys. For some reason, we never made a copy of H's car key, so it's the only one. It wasn't a problem last night because he rode the motorcycle, but he was concerned about the weekend with the kids. I told him not to worry, they were probably in his office.

My S slept with me last night as a treat. Some treat for me, the darn little guy snores and moves all around. It was bad enough when I was used to sleeping with someone, but much worse since I now sleep along. Anyway, I swore last night I found my H's keys on his bedside table. Heard S move and hit them. So I told H this this morning and looked all over the bedroom. I wondered if I dreamed it. (Had weird dreams last night. Dreamed Vince Vaughn left me a message on my answering machine. ?? ) Anyway, just got an email from him: "Found my keys. I was stressed for no reason and you were delusional :-) Who is crazier??"

On a more somber note, S5 this morning starts crying in bed over something really simple, so I said, "Just add that to the list of reason why you cry in the morning so then you can put it aside." (I have when he starts my day with crying, he's kind of a crybaby.) He replies, "I'm just so sad all the time now that Daddy doesn't live here." My heart broke some more. So later at breakfast with the neighbor's kids he said to them, "You know why I'm sad all the time? It's because my Dad doesn't live here anymore." H says, "There's always good, S5. You have to find things to be happy about." 1) put your money where your mouth is, dear and 2) VALIDATE! I AM learning!

[CBK]

You sound good CW - H sends a lot of mixed messages to you and you seem to be sorting them really well.

My heart goes out to your S5 - he sounds like a sweetheart and wears his emotions close to his heart. It sounds like you have a great relationship with you kids, I remember posts when you are staying at the apartment and how difficult that is not seeing your kids - I can only imagine.

Have a great day CW - weather is nice, so I grabbed a golf lesson at 11:30 - have to get ready for tomorrow!

CBK

[cw68]

My son is a sweetheart. He's a sensitive guy. All balls, then falls and cries. Never stops the stuff that hurts him, though. We jokingly refer to him as "the walking accident" which he thinks is funny. My daughter is 6 going on 16. We do have great relationships. H is a good day, minus the leaving part, which is pretty big in the big picture, but other than that, he's helpful, close to them and really enjoys them. I don't understand how he can choose to be away from them and can even think about doing this to them for the rest of their young, tender lives.

When I'm not around them, I miss them terribly. But not in a "I just can't stand to be apart from my kids" kind of way; I've always been a fairly independent Mom. More it kills me that I don't have the option to be with them, that we are being forced apart.

They are just little bulbs of joy, lives and personalities developing and learning and it's just so cool.

That said, good god I'm glad I don't have four kids! Dinner and breakfast we so much more difficult, getting it all ready and the like. Then again, I doubt I'd have a 4-, 5- and two 6-year olds and if I did they'd be used to things taking a lot longer and I'd know that two of them don't like choc chip pancakes. What kid doesn't like choc chip pancakes?? And who only eats cheese at their own house?

I'm off to garden, work out and then hit a bucket of balls myself with my new golf clubs.

[CBK]

Great post - My little babies are 19 and almost 21 - I started W and I started early so we could travel in our later years... My kids are still picky eaters, but not liking choc chip pancakes is not right!

Have fun in the garden, I will be hitting my bucket in about an hour.

CBK

[JenInVen]

My H also travels a lot and has a lot of work dinners/after-work drinks, etc....He is used to me being the "baby-sitter" and that is going to change soon.

How would we go about changing this without our H's seeing us as controlling?

My H drops D off at his parents house rather than change or sacrifice his plans.

Jen

[CBK]

Jen,

I am one of the idiots that thought work was more important. My W never told me - we are simple beasts, well, most of us. My wife was working FT and taking care of 2 kids why I was traveling and doing what I was taught, work, when that is over, work some more... Vicous cycle. Looking back on it now, I realize what an insensitive A$$ I was, I took a lot for granted, hence why I am here in many ways. I wish my W would have told me, she dropped hints all the time, but I wish she would have said "CBK, you kids are growing up without you, you need to spend more time with them and not concentrate on work" or something like this. I would have snapped back, well if I don't work, we don't affort this lifestyle - you know what, who the heck cares. I screwed up and didn't even know it. Tell him, and if he doesn't listen, tell him again. The saying that nobody puts on your gravestone "worked too hard" - should read "loving father".

It sounds so easy now that I am in my sitc', but I would find a way to get it through their thick heads. Wish my W would have, better yet, I wish I would have heard the hints...

CBK

[cw68]

My H disregarded me, not the kids. He always tries to make the time for them, but didn't/doesn't for me. In the big picture, he's got a pretty good work/life balance with family, just not with wifey.

Jen, how that will change is if we are done, when he has the kids, he's responsible for them. Sorry if Houston calls, he'll have to say "no" or find somebody else to send. If he has to go to a big-wig dinner, he'll have to get a babysitter, not change days with me.

[CBK]

Good distinction - when I was home, I spent all time with the kids - actually, my kids and I have a great relationship. CW, your are right on, it was the fact that I ignored HER and didn't validate HER - I wish I could talk to your H's! It is so obvious now to me, but apparently too late.

You are right sticking to your guns - I would do the same exact thing. Trust me, he will try and make you feel guilty, and if was successful in the past, he will be unless you hold your ground.

CBK

[MichelleLT]

I think this applies just as much to men as to women, although this article was written for women.

6. Never fall more in love with your kids than with your husband. That's easy to do as the years go by. I call it “the great swap.” You get caught up in all the things the kids are doing, often seeing more of them than you do your husband. What you don’t notice is the growing distance developing between you and the man you vowed years ago to give your life to.

Then comes the day when the house is empty of children. They're gone. But so is the closeness between you and your husband. You’re alone with a stranger. Don’t let that happen. Keep developing new ways to enjoy each other even while the kids are home. Take regular getaways without the children throughout your marriage to renew and refresh your relationship. Keep finding new ways to connect and enjoy life together. And when that day comes when the last kid moves out, you’ll be able to turn to your husband and say, “At last! Let the good times roll!”

Excerpted from The New Eve by Robert Lewis with Jeremy Howard, © 2008 by Robert M. Lewis.