Anyone like me?

[kat727]

From your mouth to my husbands ears! Loving actions beget loving feelings. I know you will find something special for your H and I am sure it will mean the world to him right now. My H just sent me flowers from the kids for Mother's Day and I am telling anyone with 2 ears(well not really) but just brightened my day.
kat

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Jeff- I've never heard that poem/song. I'm a sucker for music. It gets me right to the heart.

I have to keep reminding myself that, like you said, at least I get the chance to make it work when others I see don't even get that chance.

I do feel forgiven by God. It will be harder to forgive myself I think.

h4h- you are right, I think too much and get myself all worked up. It is a good thing in that if I didn't think about stuff I would have left the marriage.....if I had gone with what I thought my "heart" was saying, I would have left a long time ago. You are also right that he is probably over me. That's what is so ridiculous, I know that and I still feel bad....it's like I want to fix it if that makes any sense. It's hard to not fix it.

Ok, after saying all that, let me say that today I feel pretty strong. . . .

WDID,

One of the reasons I think you are feeling strong is because you've been helping others. Using your own experience as a WAS to help other BSs here is a gift, and I'm proud of you for using it and reaching out to others that are in pain.

Puppy

[whatdidido]

Thank you, Puppy. I do think that finding this forum was a Godsend. I really needed support at that beginning time and I had no one to turn to. Everyone here has given me their time and supportive words that have helped me to think clearly. I still need help and this is the place that gives me the best advice. I'm glad that I am helping others in the process. It is so good to see the other side.

[JeffSTL]

whatdidido: Also, when he comes in the door when he comes home I am going to go to him and give him a big hug. He has been the one coming to me. One day at a time. Little things make a big difference. Show loving feelings and the true feelings will follow.

Lucky, lucky, lucky guy

You are helping us - keep posting - we are lucky to have your insight

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? I hope !!let me hope !!
WHAMOO - W moving out June 1st

[whatdidido]

Jeff. we were typing to each other at the same time. My H may be lucky, but I feel like I am the lucky one! I'll keep posting. Please make sure you keep posting, too. I need you guys!

[Frank V]

Mark, talking to you maybe is good because you can help me see this clearly.

I try to put a constructive perspective on things is all. I don't know if I would call it clear. If this man was a respectable person or not isn't helping you. Once you decide to commit to your husband, you MUST look at the OM as someone who knowingly trode where he didn't belong.

Your husband is hurting much more than this man ever will I can promise you that. Did you lie to the OM? Did you cheat on the OM with your husband? Did your husband violate his relationship with his wife at a VERY difficult time?

Michelle indicates that it is never over until both members of the household give up hope. Well, this OM got involved long before that and he's grown up enough to recognize that and steer clear.

I am NOT painting him to be a monster, but these are the traits you need to accept to move past him. That coupled with recognizing all the pain your husband went through and IS going through FOR YOU.

He loves YOU and is willing to walk through this TORTURE to have you. That's awfully courageous of him I would think. Compare that to the cowardly behaviour of the OM not taking a stand on where you were at with your husband and just letting the subject linger - not facing the truth head on and finding out the facts.

The most courageous thing he could have done is pounded on your husband's door and told your husband to fight for you, that you were great and he's going to lose you if he doens't do something.

THAT I would admire the OM for, but your husband seems to be taking the brave role of walking through this painful road with you to recovery. It was easy to bail and run, but he's staying to fight through the affair with you. I love this guy!

In the Om's mind...he thought that I had "grievded" already...I thought I was healed and ready to move on, and I made the OM feel that way, too...He never encouraged me to lie to H, he thought it was done. He did, at one point, ask if H knew I was seeing someone else and I told him, what I thought at the time: I assume so, I'm gone all the time. He said "well, thinking "maybe" and "knowing for sure" are two different things. He said "he might not be as happy with you if he knows for sure". But, that really was all that was said about that.

Yes, he avoided the painful subject at hand - the truth. The fact that he avoided it tells me he sensed there was something unresolved and delicate there. That thing that was unresolved and delicate was hope for your marriage. He avoided it to keep the affair going.

The fact that he DIDN'T press the matter and just let the topic linger does suggest he was willing to make moral compromises and hurt your husband to be with you.

He has a conscience, I applaud that, but he got involved in something he would have done best to steer clear from...you MUST focus on this point. Believing you hurt him and that he was being treated unfairly etc will just make you miserable and hold you back.

If you read divorce remedy or any of michelle's books, she makes the point that walk away wive's say things they don't feel, they blurt and act on the impulse of a very down mood.

You may have told the OM you left, you may have felt miserable and felt like leaving, but you and your husband clearly had some unresolved issues, and this man got in the way of that. You MUST focus on that part to see him in a way that helps you get past him.

I know you tried to convince him you were done, and you wanted to believe it yourself, but Michele indicates that when couples are divorcing or separated they are often miserable too...and when people are in pain they say things they don't feel deep inside. They say they are "done" and have affairs to hide the pain, to avoid admitting they love their spouse and miss them, and that they don't want to see things end.

Affairs and saying you are done are just a means to escape feeling hopeless. Counselling is a much healthier optoin than this. Take it. I honeslty think my wife's affair was used to cover up how miserable she was. She is convinced she loves him, but I think she just enjoys the escape he offers her. Its much easier to hide in an affair than face the long journey to relationship recovery.

I see what you are saying about your W OM. I didn't have a miscarriage or anything like that. I had been separated for about a year and a half from my H and told OM that I was divorcing. Again, he isn't still after me....I'm just still haunted by my thoughts of him.

Ok, i thought i read you saying he was calling your cell phone still. I will have to read over the thread again.

I see what you are saying about ... holding my marriage back...I do realize that my H is devoted to me and dealing with his pain of thoughts of the knowledge of OM makes me hurt more than how I feel about the OM.

You have no idea how easy and tempting it is for him to just say "I don't need all this crap" and run for the safety of a new relationship. Don't let him do this, he's likley tempted. Let the other man go and love this guy that is walking through fire for you.

Update- H talks about OM again last night....I answer some and tell him that if he wants to ask more we should see a MC and talk about it in there.

Definitely push for the counsellor, but make sure you help him understand you want HIM to heal and love and trus tyou again, that you want counselling to have you both HEAL, not someone to hide behind.

I've read people's posts in here and almost everyone says that knowing details does NOT help them and they wish they didn't know.

Its a tough call. "Not just friends" is my favourite infidelity book and the author reccomends it as a means to bond with yoru spouse again. Being an open book to your husband must start with the details of the affair...according to her.

I would reccomend your husband read some books on infidelity and work with a counsellor. Its a dangerous road to tread on with the two of you just alone, at a very delicate time. He does need to know some, but let him know you want to heal and a counsellor may help guide you both there more gently.

I leave it up to him. I said that I don't want him to think I am keeping secrets,

Thats a perfect response...just be careful, he is hurting and may ask things when hurting just to hurt himself more...people do that. Make sure you tell him you love him and show it, before and after each of these dicussions. Keep the talks about the affair short...don't let it go on until you end up fighting.

I just don't think it will help to know specifics.

The thing is, it CAN help. You don't konw what your husband's imagination is doing to him. Your details may clear up a lot of hurt that his imagination is doing that is just in his head. I had a fight with my wife a year ago becuase she told me to stay away from our house for one day.

She wanted ONE DAY ALONE. I tried, I just tortured myself with the idea I would go home and find the house empty and all her things gone. I thought she wanted me away for 24 hours so she could move out. I ignored her request and went home to stop her.

She had secretly ended all contact with the OM.

I didn't give her the day she asked for, we had a fight, she blurted out she broke it off with the OM and wanted ONE DAY of peace to grieve. But said I coudln't even give her that and that I had let her down. She went back to him the next day.

My point is that my IMAGINATION ruined something good. If she had just TOLD me she left him I would have given her a MONTH if she needed it, but she wanted to keep it secret...because she thought it would HELP her and I. My imagination ruined that chance I had a year ago. If I had just trusted her that day, this guy could have been gone a year earlier. We could have had our first child by now.

Instead, he's still violating my home on a daily basis because I was an ass and let my imagination run wild - and she woudln't tell me the details I needed to help her.

Keeping secrets prompts him to use his imagination when he's hurting. He may be dreaming up things he thinks the two of you did that never even happened, sexually or otherwise. Try to EASE some worry if you can and diffuse his upset.

Believe me his imagination is likely in hyperdrive right now and beating him up every night. Tell him things you DIDN'T do, BEFORE he asks...criticize the OM a bit, call him dissappointing. Use it to make your husband feel better.

For example, he knows what the OM did for fun and he already has referenced him whenever that topic comes up.

Make sure you tell him : "I don't want to sweep what happened under the rug, I lied to you and I am very sorry, but I am trying to erase his memory from my mind and heart, please help me do that by NOT pressing him into my mind often. I know you need to konw what happened, but I need to erease all memory of it so I can enjoy a life with YOU...please try to work on letting him go, so I can as well. I love you."

That's something he would likley want to hear, which would help you as well. Change as you feel appropriate.

He talks about MOther's Day. I know what he is going to get me because he wanted me to tell him. Im not sure I even want that. I wish he would just do something on his own.

Right now is NOT the time for you two to be playing guessing games and trying to read each others' minds, even for gifts.

There was a serious disconnect with communication and boundaries between the two of you when you separated, boundaries were crossed when you were separated he didn't envision being crossed. A lot of shock and surprise has hit him recently.

The BOTH of you SAYING what you WILL do and DOING exaclty that, and NOT doing anything else will rebuild trust. Playing games and trying to leave each other uncertain about what's going to happen, even for gifts touches on some very delicate feelings.

Try to keep surprises for a healtheir time for the two of you.

I know you feel like he isn't being sincere when you tell him what you want, but right now the best thing you two can do is say eveyrthing that's on your mind and NOT keep secrets or play guessing games. That's fun when you are in stage one and dating, but not when you are recovering from infidelity.

Right now you need to be very specific with what you want, and he as well, and you two need to do that and don't take any unplanned turns.

Give the relationship time to heal, don't press him to try too much too soon, nor you as well. Just get used to each other's faces again. Don't rush the feelings, they will come back at their own pace.

[kat727]

Bravo Mark. Be as open as possible. I know it must hurt but try. I know that is what I would want from my H. I also think it is ok to let your H know that it hurts. My husband says just because he doesn't show that he is hurting, doesn't mean that he doesn't hurt. Even just seeing one tear would help a great deal, because right now he has shut himself off to me as far as feelings go. I'll keep checking in.
kat

[hopeful4her]

I also believe that this forum was a Godsend. I had been looking at another site, before. A Christian forum based on "family" and "life". Most of the posters would tell each other, " Read 'The Power of a Praying...'" Standing based only biblical principal only.

I am firm believer of biblical principal, but I believe that I have to do more than pray. God helps those that help themselves.

This site helped me to understand not only what she is thinking, but understand myself and the changes I needed to make for myself.

I still pray and I pray for all the posters on here. We are learning more about ourselves everyday and are able to get good counsel at the same time.

[whatdidido]

Mark- I truly appreciate your post. I see that you do not post a lot so it means even more the time you took to respond back to me. There are so many key points that I will think about:

I'm realizing more how the OM should have known better and hid behind the "tricking him" as his way to make him feel less shameful. He even said at one time that he made sure to not get in a relationship until his divorce was final....why would he do this with me before mine was final? You are right. That doesn't make sense. He would say he trusted me, but he should have known better.

Focusing on my husband's pain. YOu are right and I do feel more awful than I portray on here, I'm sure. I have never cried so much as when I told him everything. Every day I tear up when the talk of the affair comes up. It is my sadness for him...I wish I could take it all back. They were tears of sadness for him not for the OM. I love him even more now than ever because of the courage he has to face this with me, torture and all. Again, your words are truth.

" They say they are "done" and have affairs to hide the pain, to avoid admitting they love their spouse and miss them, and that they don't want to see things end." That's me to the T......means to excape feeling hopeless...yes, that was me. Yes, it would have been much easier to hide in an affair than face the long journey to relationship recovery.

I'm going to suggest the MC. It seems the best route. I see what you mean about the imagination running wild. I'm sure it is for him. I need to diffuse that. I will.

Thank you for this: "I don't want to sweep what happened under the rug, I lied to you and I am very sorry, but I am trying to erase his memory from my mind and heart, please help me do that by NOT pressing him into my mind often. I know you need to konw what happened, but I need to erease all memory of it so I can enjoy a life with YOU...please try to work on letting him go, so I can as well. I love you."

I have already used it and he totally understood.

Thank you for responding about the gifts as well. You are right and I didnt' think of it that way.

Everything you said made so much sense. Thank you very much for opening eyes a bit to some new thoughts. THis forum is amazing.

Thanks for checking in on me, Kat.

h4h- I continue to pray as well..... we need each other

[Frank V]

Mark- I truly appreciate your post. I see that you do not post a lot so it means even more the time you took to respond back to me.

I like to think a bit on what's being said, if I post too much I don't have a chance to absorb your situation and come up with some useful points.

I'm realizing more how the OM should have known better...He even said at one time that he made sure to not get in a relationship until his divorce was final....why would he do this with me before mine was final? You are right. That doesn't make sense. He would say he trusted me, but he should have known better.

This is excellent stuff, you see, it is there. I don't know your situation nearly as well as you do. You can come up with dozens of key points like this...it will help you put him behind you. You have to remove the fantasy of him and look critically at him as a person.

I can't do this nearly as well as you can since I don't have all the details. Keep pushing yourself in this direction, keep digging for things that he said or did that reveal the choices he made to contribute to your husband's pain and yours.

YOu wish you could take it back, well, he took it and was concious of that decision...keep reminding yoruself of that. He brought you pain and your husband pain...and you and your husband have to clean up the damage that was done, not him.

Keep looking for the signs he could have walked a different path, I am sure there are many more. When people are having an affair their mind is in a fog and they can't see these things...dig for them, you will find them I promise you.

EACH ONE YOU FIND..POST IT HERE ok? Build a list of choices he made that contributed to the affair and the work you and your husband now have to do to clean things up.

Focusing on my husband's pain...I have never cried so much as when I told him everything...I wish I could take it all back.

You can take it back, the work you and your husband do will heal that damage and you will be a stronger couple. Just realise your husband is working to heal damage to your marriage that the OM in large part created. Look at who is working and who made the mess...keep that in mind when thoughts of the OM come into your mind.

They were tears of sadness for him not for the OM. I love him even more now than ever because of the courage he has to face this with me, torture and all.

Just keep telling him how much you love him, and SHOW it in whatever way he is willing to accept.

I'm going to suggest the MC. It seems the best route. I see what you mean about the imagination running wild. I'm sure it is for him. I need to diffuse that. I will.

Just keep telling him all the things that never happened with the OM. Tell your husband how dissappointed you were with the OM and the affair and that you dind't spend much time together. Don't lie, but focus on things that will make him feel like something unique and special wasn't violated completely. Your husband feels replaced and unwanted, he needs to know what your husband and you had was not violated completely and that the two of you still have something special.

Thank you for this: "I don't want to sweep what happened under the rug, I lied to you and I am very sorry, but I am trying to erase his memory from my mind and heart, please help me do that by NOT pressing him into my mind often. I know you need to konw what happened, but I need to erease all memory of it so I can enjoy a life with YOU...please try to work on letting him go, so I can as well. I love you."

I have already used it and he totally understood.

Keep posting here, it looks like it is helping you too. I am interested in hearing more about the OM's choices actually...when he comes to mind, focus on digging up some more choices the OM made that leave some concerns in your mind. Look on the OM as the one who doesn't belong in your life, and your husband will look much more attractive to you.

Affairs are largely living fantasies...dispell that fantasy with as much reality as you can and the OM will fade away.

Thank you for responding about the gifts as well. You are right and I didnt' think of it that way.

If either of you feels awkward or sensitive when one of you tries to guess or surprise each other, STOP immediately and offer tangible reassurance and tell your spouse exaclty what was on your mind.

If you lead in with "I have a surprise for you.." and his face looks at all distresed, tell him exactly what it is right away and don't try that again for a while.

Everything you said made so much sense. Thank you very much for opening eyes a bit to some new thoughts. THis forum is amazing.

A lot of this material is in the books, we just apply it for your situation for you. I hope some of this helps. Keep focus on the hard work your huband is doing, keep letting him knmow he's attractive and how much you love him. Keep letting him know where you are and how you feel about him as much as you can.

Again I stronly reccomend reading "not just friends" by Shirley Paige