Ellie, thanks for the insight on OCD. The anxiety thing makes sense. I think he would be open to vitamins. I got him on Fish Oil about a year ago for the anti-inflammitory benefits for his knee (4 knee surgeries, donor tendons, etc...). I don't know how I'd present the idea of 5-HTP. Remember, he doesn't think his OCD is a problem.
I'd love a housekeeper, the only problem is the house isn't really that DIRTY. It's more clutter stuff (mail, laundry, toys, etc...). Now that I think about it, the floors could use a good mopping, and maybe someone else could dust more often then I do. The table needs some elbow grease where the kids sit...maybe I do need a housekeeper. I'll bring it up.
Dom, I'm really bad about telling him exactly what needs to be done. My thought is, "look around." If you see dishes in the sink, do them. If you see the floor looks dirty, vaccuum or mop. Are men really that clueless? But, you are right on about being consistent in my responses. Most of the time I try to pacify him, make him shut up by saying, "OK. I'll do that. I'll clean when I get home or when the kids go to bed." And then I don't do it EVERY TIME...then he accuses me of being a liar. So I stop doing that and tell him that I'm not going to live up to his expectation, he doesn't help, then it's an arguement. Vicious.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
He's got all he wants, his home to come home to and sex, all is good, gets to boss you around then leaves, meanwhile you are stuck in limbo. It's the never ending merry-go-around. I bet he hasnt' found a MC yet nor had gone to church with you. He's nice w/u, a day later berates you, and so on and so forth. Is that what you want? if not, what are you willing to do to have the life YOU want?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Actually, I often think I'm the one who got the better deal. I get to stay in the house, pay the bills and buy what I want with his money (we never sep. accounts), I raise the kids the way I want to, and make whatever I want for dinner, I get to have sex but don't have to live with the guy! FANTASTIC!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
The great thing about having the housekeeper come - not only does she do the heavy cleaning, like floors and bathrooms - but you have to pick up before she comes, so eventually all that clutter gets under control.
As for the inappropriate way your H sometimes speaks to you - do you think he could have Tourette's? People with Tourette's often have OCD (and ADD). Does he have any tics?
He DOES have a strange tic, but only when he's driving. It's a bizarre thing, he says he can't control it. I thought Tourettes was when people just yell out obsenities at random times.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
My thought is, "look around." If you see dishes in the sink, do them. If you see the floor looks dirty, vacuum or mop. Are men really that clueless?
In a word, yes. My W always felt the same way, but I needed direction with housework. Probably stubbornness and laziness on my part also, but don't be afraid to ask him for specific help.
No separate accounts? That's very interesting. It really doesn't sound like he wants a D. That's good. I know that cake-eating can be a concern in sitches like yours, but part of DB'ing is to not worry about that. At least, as far as I know. Do DB and DR talk about that? (I'm ashamed to say I haven't finished either one yet).
You're doing great. If he really is OCD, he noticed the bathrooms. He may only tell you about the negatives, but he's noticing the positive changes you're making. Keep it up!
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Dom, I'm really bad about telling him exactly what needs to be done. My thought is, "look around." If you see dishes in the sink, do them. If you see the floor looks dirty, vaccuum or mop. Are men really that clueless?
Yes. Yes, we are
PS: housekeepers clean, if your house needs cleaning. but if you just need help with "clutter"... they do that too!
PPS: I have tourettes. sounds like he MIGHT have it. feel free to ask me questions about it. You might ask him gentle questions about it, too. it can be very mild, to very strong. I've almost never had the "yell obscenities" part, though.
OCD? yes. yelling rude things? no.
(yelling non-rude things to get stress out... yes.)
its usually the worst in childhood.
Last edited by Dom R; 05/09/0806:38 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
uh. just thinking about the OCD stuff. is making me want to twitch
its nasty. for me at least, when i was hit by the OCD phase, I had to go through the motions, or i'd start twitching. well..or sometimes, it was just the "i HAVE to do this, or my brain wont settle down". I was a "repeater". I pity anyone who has the "clean" OCD part, though. Some people compulsively clean, because they cant stand the dirt. But I could totally understand if he was the other way, and just couldnt stand to be AROUND the dirt, enough to clean ithimself.
ok gotat stop writing about it now, so my twitch reflex can relax.
Gah. I dont really have to deal with it much now I'm an adult and can usually keep my stress levels low.... UNLESS I go into memories about it. weird.
but you are still very welcome to ask about it.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
He DOES have a strange tic, but only when he's driving. It's a bizarre thing, he says he can't control it. I thought Tourettes was when people just yell out obsenities at random times.
No, most don't actually yell obscenities. Tourette's patients usually have physical tics of some sort, as well as some OCD. The verbal stuff can be absent, or can take the form of repeating words or saying words for just their sound (think of the movie Amadeus). Angry outbursts can be a problem, and sometimes they might say mean things in an outburst that they wouldn;t normally say.
I have a son with very mild Tourette's. He has facial tics (grimacing and eyerolling). Usually they're not too noticeable. Sometimes they're misinterpreted (his PE teacher read him the riot act for rolling his eyes at him once!).
Along with the physical tics, he has mild OCD and what I like to call "mental tics". He will get stuck on an idea and he just CAN'T let it go like a normal person would. For instance, once he came home from school, looking forward to eating some leftover restaurant food he had saved, only to find his older sister had eaten it. He was mad - rightly so. He whined about it and complained to me and his sister - pretty normal. BUT - when it's a week later and he is STILL whining about it EVERY day, on and on - THAT'S OCD.
He used to do tapping and counting, but that's largely resolved. He's not actually the neatest kid in the world, but things like his sister using his toothpaste drive him up a wall.
All this just makes me wonder if your H's inappropriate language with you is actually abusive, or just a Tourette's thing?
Another good book on OCD, btw, is Brainlock by Schwartz.
