I took a year off for mental health reasons but I just looked and the big L is still on my forehead. I had some really good old posts and I was going to print them but I guess they are aged off the server. Well, I see some of the same folks are still here. And that's why I went away. I was very afraid that a forum like this would encourage me to tolerate a situation that to me isn't acceptable. I've already been decades too tolerant. Scratch that, a lifetime too tolerant.
My advice to all the newbies is have a timetable. If you don't make significant progress by X, it's time to move on. Till then give it your all, heart and soul. But know there comes a time when enough is enough. Don't be a little Suzie Sunshine like me, always believing if I would just work harder at it, things would improve. It HAD to be my fault. If you don't have a timetable, you will end up with most of your life gone and bitter like me. I don't wish that on anyone. Believe me, life is short and time does pass. All too quickly, you will be old too. And it's no more fun being old and sexless than it was being young or middleaged and sexless. I don't even have memories to keep me warm at night.
If you knew me and H, you would never guess. H is kind, attentive, pleasant, and a lot of fun to be with. We are best friends. I still love him and he loves me too. Honestly, he is my fantasy man except for the sexless thing. I think he's hot but that could be deprivation talking. I'm pretty sure it's at least a contributing factor. He touches me, holds my hand, snuggles in bed, kisses me. He does everything BUT have sex.
So I finally laid it all out on the line for him. I listed choices. Divorce, Open Marriage, Separation, MC. I finally told him I refuse to die without having sex. I will no longer beg for sex, because that's not the sex I want. All the kissing and nice, nice is fine but I expect for him to initiate sex and be passionate at least twice a month. He needs to put his own desires on the back burner and concentrate on meeting my needs.
So far, he has agreed to MC. I told him to set it up but so far, no action. He is being even more attentive and kind. But I did make sure he knew that wasn't what I want. This would be so much easier if he weren't such a wonderful person! He did bring up marriage vows and cheating. My reply was quite simple, if he want to be Biblical, fine. He is supposed to cleve only unto me. And there's no cleveing going on between us. And we aren't religious anyway!
I'm not sure what will happen but I have certainly stirred up the pot. I know he hates the idea of Open Marriage because he knows I could easily find someone to have sex with. I don't see why he should care if I am just giving away something he doesn't want. Divorce is probably not an option because we would both be financially ruined. I offered him a separation when I had an opportunity to take a job in another city. But he didn't want that either. So far, he does want me around. He just doesn't want me enough to have sex with me.
I'm not a supermodel but I look better than most women my age. I don't stink and you wouldn't have to put a paperbag over my head. But the fact remains, he won't have sex with me. He pretty much destroyed my self esteem and body image over this no sex stuff. It took me way too long to realize this has very little to do with me and everything to do with him. It's not my inadequacy, it's his. And he swears he's not gay either!
Our 34th anniversary is coming up on the 2nd of July. That's how long he has to make up his mind. I've gotten a lot more realistic so I know this isn't going to end well. I think the most painless thing would be the open marriage. At least that's what I am hoping for. I've suffered enough and I deserve to have my cake and eat it too for a while.
