Better late than never?

[MichelleLT]

I think her fear is coming across as anger. She is scared you will cancel it. Which is why her anger is directed at you.

The first part of your post made me chuckle. Proof that guys love to fix things.

[ms ladybug]

Hi Jon! I appreciate your responses to my thread, so I caught myself up on yours. Some of your sitch sounds familiar. My h and I also connect with sex...if nothing else at all. That's one reason I don't want to give that up. I envy the phone sex on your end. H has wanted to do that on several occasions, but I haven't got up the nerve. Anyway, random anger, mostly aliens.

It sounds like you're doing great with the GAL. Where do you live? I used to live in Round Rock. Heard of it?

[jon2911]

Hey Ms. L! Actually, I grew up in Cedar Park. My dad works for Dell, so I guess you could say I've heard of Round Rock For everyone else, these are suburbs of Austin.

Phone sex can be really fun, you should give it a try. Not nearly as kinky as it sounds, just describe what you want to do. Though I do feel dirty even talking about it

[jon2911]

GREAT night last night. I got to play in a little acoustic band at church, and watch my Spurs finally win a game at a friend's house. W texted about some business stuff, then asked if she could call. We talked for about an hour, and it went really well.

First off, I tried complementing her as soon as she called. It really caught her off guard. I told her I've been thinking about how amazing she is, that she can still accomplish so much even with all this pain. She wrote it off and called me a "mushpot", but even that brought back good memories.

Yesterday was her day to care for her dad, which doesn't sound fun at all. She said she's ready to get her own place. I really hope she doesn't, because that would just extend her time in Houston, but I didn't say anything, just empathized and validated how hard it must be to live at home. She made a comment about how her dad is home ALL the time, and that she escapes to her room. LOL. Hard to relive the teenage years in your 20's.

Today she's working with her stepdad and brother doing some secretary stuff for her business. I asked her if that would be a long-term deal. She said no, stepdad drives her nuts. So, she's really at a crossroads. We'll see.

I told her I missed her (kinda against the rules but I do it from time to time). She asked if we could spoon, and I talked to her a little sexy, but not much. She said "OK, I want to fall asleep feeling like this". And that was it.

[jon2911]

Had a great talk last night, probably an hour and a half. Kept it light and fun, and she's really starting to confide in me again.

Had a fantastic meeting with my counselor today, he was excited to hear the developments. Actually, I was surprised how encouraged he was. Anyway, he gave me some great advice that I thought would help anyone else who's separated:

Take the time to actively think about things you admire about your spouse, and specifically complement them, especially the areas you're most unhappy about. This will be interpreted by them as love, even though saying "I love you" won't work right now.

In my situation, this would be something like "I really admire the way you think for yourself and follow through on your decisions. You're so strong. I may not agree with your choice to separate and divorce me, but I admire your strength."

Wow. I really think that would work. A friend was telling me the other day about how he always admired those things about my wife. And I said, "but I never thought it would bite me in the ass like this." So it really hurts, but those are still things I admire about my W. And the more I think about it, I want her to choose me again because she wants to, not because she's needy or desperate or whatever.

[MichelleLT]

she's really starting to confide in me again.

Awesome! Keep doing what works!!

Take the time to actively think about things you admire about your spouse, and specifically complement them, especially the areas you're most unhappy about. This will be interpreted by them as love, even though saying "I love you" won't work right now.

Also good advice. I will have to try a spin on that.

And the more I think about it, I want her to choose me again because she wants to, not because she's needy or desperate or whatever.

That is so loving and selfless of you! That attitude gives her the freedom she needs to make her choice without pressure.

Keep up the great work!

[jon2911]

Take the time to actively think about things you admire about your spouse, and specifically complement them, especially the areas you're most unhappy about. This will be interpreted by them as love, even though saying "I love you" won't work right now.

Also good advice. I will have to try a spin on that.

Yeah, that would be tough in your sitch. I was trying to think of some: "I admire that you aren't just jumping back into the relationship, but taking time to make sure it's what you want."

It's hard to put a positive spin on his indecisiveness, but I guess that's part of relationship work. Let me know how it goes!

[jon2911]

Haven't journaled in a while, such a freakin' soap opera. Here goes...

W called last Tuesday and asked me to come visit her. She was at the Ranch, a vacation home halfway between Dallas and Houston. Perfect. We had a GREAT night, and stayed through lunch the next day.

W had to get back to her "job", which she admitted is taking care of her dad after surgery. She said it's more annoying than any job she's had before (great!). While cleaning up the place to leave, I noticed she'd thrown up in a trash can and cleaned it up. This embarrassed her but she was appreciative. She said "I'm sick, I do that every day". This is another indication that her headaches are much worse. Only on the very worst days did this happen before. We had a good lunch and parted ways.

The next day she called, and quickly turned nasty. This hasn't happened in a while, and really threw me. NC until last night, and I just let her be. Turns out she was in Phoenix, no idea why. The talk last night was really nice. She's ready to move out from her parents, but doesn't have the money. Her doctor in Dallas is stalling on cognitive therapy, and she's really frustrated. She said every other day she just stays in bed. Said wants to just come stay her until he'll see her. I told her I'd love that.

She also said that her friends and family don't understand when she stays in bed, or can't bend over to pick things up. She needs to constantly re-train them about her disease, or they think she's lazy. I told her anyone who really knows her would never think that. She said I was the only one who understood, and being around anyone else is too hard. It feels really good to hear that, I did my best to take care of her, but instead the whole sitch was blamed on me. Hopefully that's changing. We'll see.

[thegoodfight]

Ahhh, she misses your understanding and confiding in you! Good signs to say the least. The anger is not about you anymore it is about her and her decisions.

Seriously must be terrible to have such bad headaches all the time it causes her illness. Wow I feel for her, that is not good!

[MichelleLT]

Part of detaching is not taking her anger personally. Sift through what she says and does and think about how it might reflect on ways you want to improve yourself. But don't ever take it personally. 99% of it is her own guilt, fear, anger, remorse, PLUS her headaches and stress and family. It's not about you.

I am glad she appreciates you and missing your sympathy. There are a lot of small positives in there.

Hang in there.