The Detaching is hard. It is not that I am cold or distant. I am not mean or cross. I am trying to be aloof and indifferent. To act as is if what she says or does has very little meaning or impact on me. I am very close to feeling as if I do NOT WANT THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE no matter what. When I get there then I can get off the rollercoaster completely.
The Support Group was really helpful. It has: [list] An Opportunity to have a GAL activity for 2.5 Hrs/Wk. A formal Class on D Subjects (Depression. Loneliness, Dating, Etc). A Group Therapy Conversation with others in similar stiches. Prayer and scripture readings that help with the issues of divorce. I am looking forward to next week and recommend it. To bad you live so far away, you could join us on Monday.
Well the 2.5 weeks with no D conversation is over. W forced a meeting to negotiate all of the issues and I did not want it and was not negotiating. W was upset about all of the paperwork and time and kid issues that the D filing is causing. I told her that she decided to do this, not me, and she needs to live with the results and that she can stop it at any time. I cannot take the blame for the D filing and its impact when I not only did not file, but totally disagreed with the filing. The W was bitter, mean and miserable in the discussion. There was fire and lightning bolts shooting from her eyes and very deep level of hatred. I can see now that all of the guilt, pain, misery, etc of the D that she initaited is being directed at me. It is like she stuck her hand in the fire and when it hurt she blamed me for the fire being so hot. I feel deflated yet relieved. My DBing is having no measurable impact. The legal part of this thing has become a self perpetuating anger machine. The good part is that she can see that the D process is hard and she will not get what she wants. I don't know how you can work on the R when there is this much anger with each step of the legal process.
Things are no better. The Anger Level is still very high. It is making detaching easier. I just never knew that my W could be so mean, cruel and hateful. I am seeing a side of this person that I never knew existed. It is a classic WAW/MLC in that she blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. I feel bad for knowing that after she throws me away, she will have as many, or more, problems. The really bad part is that for the last several years of our marriage I have felt like a paycheck. With the D, my wife will finally reduced me to no more value than a paycheck.
In case anyone is reading..... Yesterday and Friday Night were very distant. WAW has been very angry about the legal stuff and has basically blamed the whole legal process on me. She filed, not me. I have been trying to follow my Pastor's advice and trying to please God, not the W.
I am finally in full blast LRT and Detachment. I managed to get her nothing for Mother's day from me. I took the kids shopping and they get $20 to spend. We will see if this has any impact at all. I feel better. Not becasue she is so furious but because I am detached. Maybe DBing is really about getting yourself beyond the M into your new life. Then if the WAS comes back it is like a side effect.
I have been going through my own crisis and just now have gotten a chance to catch up on reading. Sorry.
It is too bad that your W is so angry right now. Being around an angry person is difficult, so detatching is good. I am sure the anger will pass eventually. I think it is just one phase in all of this. Although I do not know really what she has to be angry about...you are the one who is being treated poorly.
Keep up the DBing. They say that it makes you a better person regardless of your marriage and that it needs to be a lifestyle. I am not so sure about all of that now. I was GAL for years in my marriage and I think that was the beginning of my downfall.
The support group sounds pretty interesting. I think when the one in my area starts up in September I will attend. Too bad they don't have one for the summer.
sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
She is furious about having to answer the discovery questions. She was furious about me not agreeing the every aspect of her D filing. I am finding out that if everyhing does not go exactly her way on her schedule, then the anger is huge and scary. Most of the things that she attacks me about are part of the legal process..... Nothing to do with me. She is even angry because I am not angry and have been "too nice".
I have discovered that the whole D has very little to do with me. I am just the aspect of her life that everything is blamed on....... as if I am somehow respoonsible for her happiness.
Hi Eagle, I didn't realize you had moved into Separated forum.
I'm so sorry things aren't going well for you right now. Your W seems very angry eventhough she's the one that has filed for D. You have to do what you need to do to protect yourself and the kids in the legal process. W has to deal with her own feelings of anger. Try not to let her drag you down as well. You seem to be remaining calm and that's perfect. She may be angry because you are not reacting the way she thought you would. If you were being nasty she would feel justified in seeking D but since you are being nice she is having to deal with all her guilt and confusion and it's coming out as anger.
You are right - most of the WAS do not take responsibility for their own happiness but instead blame everything on the LBS. This is so very common. Try to continue detaching but aboveall, don't react - you don't want to get caught up in all her anger. Have you read some of the posts on Surviving the Big D forum or Divorced but not Done. These 2 forums may provide further insight for you.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
You are always so insightful and full of hope. I have seen the anger level continue to grow in my spouse every day. She has mentioned that I amd making her crazy because I am being so nice. She walks around constantly mad, at me, the kids, the pets, work, etc. I brought this up in my Divorce Support Group and no one understood her. Even the women in my group who filed could not connect with her being upset about the process. I believe that it comes down to the fact that anything that happens in this process that does not go exactly according to her plan and she is not in total control of... make her furious.
I have continued to be nice and calm and let her rage. I really think that I am getting this detachment thing because her words/actions are no longer making me react. I am watching the show but not interacting with it. I have made sure that she knows that I think the Divorce is wrong and that I wish to reconcile but I am not pursuing at all.
Hopefully, she will calm down and see the mess she has made for what it is. I am not taking the blame for the issues and complication of the D. I am also standing up to her violating other parts on the S agreement. I have to stand up to her on these issues to get any respect.
I have seen the anger level continue to grow in my spouse every day. She has mentioned that I amd making her crazy because I am being so nice. She walks around constantly mad, at me, the kids, the pets, work, etc.
This is not your problem - it is hers. You can only control your actions not hers. You are being the bigger person and you are doing it for YOURSELF and for your kids - they need you to remain calm now more than ever.
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I have continued to be nice and calm and let her rage. I really think that I am getting this detachment thing because her words/actions are no longer making me react. I am watching the show but not interacting with it. I have made sure that she knows that I think the Divorce is wrong and that I wish to reconcile but I am not pursuing at all.
You are doing GREAT!!! This is exactly what you need to do and say. Remember this is not the W you married and lived with for so many years - this is the alien behaving this way. There are no guarantees that what you are doing will save your M. BUT as I said above you want to be the better person in all of this and be the role model for your kids since W is not there for them. If your M is not saved, you know that you did everything you could to try and save it and you did so with dignity. The alternative would lead to a lot of bitterness and resentment and most likely a guaranteed D.
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I am also standing up to her violating other parts on the S agreement. I have to stand up to her on these issues to get any respect.
Exactly right! You will gain no respect by being a doormat. Try to let the L's handle the legal aspects and you can tell W this is what your L has advised.
Good luck and keep coming here to let out your feelings. It's very difficult to be living with so much anger from your Sp.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I am sticking to my guns on the legal issues. She can stop this mess at any time. She is not following the rules and I will call her on it every time... in a calm manner. This really goes with the respect issue. Without respect, there is no chance.
We have a kid event tonight that we will both be attending. I am going to make it a point not to sit with her or interact with her unless necessary. I will speak to her (if appropriate) and be very pleasant. We need to act divorced in public. She needs to know that I am comfortable with being a single dad in public. She always sits with me at church (when she goes) and at kid events. At church events she hides her empty ring finger as much as possible (the irony of being ashamed yet pursuing the D) I am very comfortable in the knowledge that:
1. I did not start the Divorce, do not want it and am doing all that I can to reconcile. 2. I have changed for the better since the S started, physically (lost weight/exercising), mentally (way more patient and calm) and spiritually (dependant on God to show me the way). These changes are good for me and will continue. 3. I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage that I caused. I know I am not perfect and am working on myself every day to improve. I forgiven myself, sought forgiveness from God and my W. The W wont even listen. She also admits no issues that she caused. 4. I take no responsibility for the pain and suffering caused by the D process on my W, Kids, Friends, Family and me. I try to help all but the W with the issues. I will accept no blame for this in that I do not want it. 5. My marriage is over. I will continue to do all I can to save it. When I decide to give up it is between me and God and I will be at peace. If she comes back then so be it. It is in God's hands. All I can do is set the stage.
