Well, I am popping in here at the peicing forum, but usually I post in the MLC forum since I am not sure if we will be able to piece this M together again or not (and I dont want to jinx myself).
So I am just looking for some quick advise or tips from any wise piecers that could help.
My H has come back to try a 4th reconcialiation over this past year.
I am scared to death and really find it hard to trust him or believe him. He has made some really good steps (like apologizing and being remorseful, cutting down on drinking, and wearing his wedding band with out persasion). These have all been a complete shock to me and for some reason - I find a lot of this hard to accept this time around.
I am so scared to trust him again and I told him this and he said he understood he needs to rebuild my trust and is willing to do so.
I want to get to a comfortable point with my H to talk about our M, but right now we are taking it really slow and just being friends that are catching up and we only see each other for like an hour on most nights. TIPPER
The best piece of advice I have is to go to marriage counseling. There are old patterns between you two that don't go away without work and awareness. Honestly, if it wasn't for MC, I don't think H and I would be doing as well as we are.
Find a MC who is solutions-based and focused on helping you learn how to communicate with each other.
Stay detached. Being detached is essential in all relationships. It means you aren't basing your feelings on your H. When I get in trouble, it is usually because I haven't stayed detached.
DBing is for life. GAL/PMA/180s/detaching.
Patience. Piecing is long. I'm coming up on the two year anniversary of the bomb, and I think it's just been in the past month that I feel like we're "there."
Good luck to you!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Update: Things have been going great with H and I for this last week. He has put his wedding band back on and I didnt even ask him to. He also brought me a dozen roses yesterday, it was so nice. I feel like we are definetely moving from friends to dating/romance and I am liking it. It doesnt seem like its too fast, it just feels right this time. I am so full of hope that this time will be the final time that we reconcile. I have seen many good signs from H and from god. I am so happy that I found this site and Michele's books, they have been one of the biggest blessing's in my life. TIPPER p.s. I am feeling pretty confident - but I still appreciate any and all advise from those of you that have had more time at peicing than I.
I have a question for peicers: I am new at this again, and I need some advise. I know it isnt good to rush a move back in with each other. My h and I are living apart now and just seeing each other briefly during the weeks and spending most of the weekend with each other. We have discussed waiting to move back in together. However, I dont know how comfortable I am with the arrangement he has in mind. He is going to move out of his apartment in town at the beginning of june. Then he plans on moving into a two family home/apartment in June for no set amount of time.
The issue I have is that he just told me the other day that the girl that lives down stairs is the bar tender at his favorite bar (that he frequents now and practically had lived at for the last 5 months). He knows he needs to stay away from the bar more than he used to if he wants this to work out. But this living arangement has got me freaked out. I dont know this girl at all. I do know that H told me a few weeks back (before our Reconnection) that him and his friends and her friends all had a bonfire over there cuz it has a large yard and fire pit. I feel like he still wants to have his freedom and party life style all while reconnecting with me. It bothers me for some reason.
Am I being too jealous and untrust worthy of him. I dont know if i should say something about the way I feel uncomfortable with the arrangement or not. He was planning on moving there before we reconnected and is totally excited about it. So I am afraid to speak up, plus I dont even know this girl or anything about her other than the bartender part.
I dont want to rock the boat when things are going so good in all other aspects. H is wearing wedding band, he has been apologetic, he has given me flowers, he also gave me a diamond "lifes journey" necklace, and staying away from the bars more than ever in the past.
HELP! should I speak up or not in regards to this? TIPPER
O.k. My H and I are still piecing since May 5th '08. Things have been going o.k. When we are alone and together things are fabulous. But when we get out and about or are apart things get a bit tricky.
I am dealing with a lot of issues with in our M. H is still living in his apartment and apparently plans on staying there a while. It is good to take things slow, but I also like to see hope for a future move and he seems skidish.
My H has turned into an extreme alcoholic, and is drinking out at the town bars about 5-6 nights a week. This is very difficult to deal with and get used to. We always used to only go to bars together on the weekends with our friends that he now wants nothing to do with them. I am constantly torn between doing things with his new friends or hanging with my group of friends that he rejected after 13+ years of hanging out with in the past.
He rejects me often to hang at the bars or with his new younger buddies from his new band.
He will not come to any more family events or holiday gatherings wiht my side of the family becuase he hates my older brother.
I know I cannot control my H but I love him and want this to work. I am looking for any advice as to how to create some positive changes within my H.
I already have learned to GAL to the max. So I am already doing my own things - it just seems like he is too disintersted at times to want to choose being with me rather than at the bar. ANY ADVISE??? TIPPER
If he wants to go out with his friends, he'll go. Try to keep an attitude that you can't make him change or do anything he doesn't want to do. Keep doing what is working. I think you have to be very patient and take it slow.
Have you thought about contacting Alanon for advice on dealing with his drinking?
N_A, Thank you so much for popping in here. I also have a more used thread over in the MLC forum since I dont get a lot of responses from this one.
I agree that PATIENCE IS THE KEY for me and my situation. I do have the gut feeling that this time is real and different and going to last some how - no matter how long it takes us to become stable again.
I can deal with just about anything, and thank goodness I have created my own life that doesnt involve my H anymore because I still need to rely on those GAL things i picked up due to him being gone. So I stay busy even when H chooses to go out with his friends.
I guess that no one can understand why I am trying to reconnect with him when he is ALWAYS at the bars, rarely comes around our old group of friends, rejects me and stands me up, has become very flirty, and has told me that he doesnt want to do holidays with my side of the family anymore since he hates my older brother.
Sometimes I question myself why I am still trying to make this M work. I guess I still need to find those answers with in me. I know I love him, was devastated without him, and would do just about anything for him, but right now he is not very deserving of all of that> but he used to be. I cant believe how much my H has changed over the past 1-2 yrs. For the first time ever he is being really selfish, it is uncharacteristic.
I will consider looking into alanon over my summer break, but I am afraid that it would piss him off if I were to let him know I want to go to get help.
He hates the idea of getting help of any kind. He has always acted like one is weak if they cant get through things on their own.
