God, Booze, Drugs, Pain & Divorce

[one_light]

Hi Chazz,

A couple of things I feel compelled to share with you. After separation from the stbx, I gave in to depression (I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder during marriage counseling) and enveloped myself in a booze and drug induced coma. While wallowing around in the darkness of my despair [read: self pity] I found the Lord.

I knew he was always there, I just didn’t take heed. I wanted things my way; not God’s way. My simple presence on these boards tells you how my way worked out for me. I have now found that God is bigger than this pain and that I can give it all up to him if I only ask. I believe, slip, falter, doubt, and believe again. I admit that sometimes I get angry at God for what I am going through. How could he have let this happen? If this is what is best why did he let me get married in the first place? The answer, of course, is that I have free will. I wanted things my way. I now have to lie in my own bed.

Second thing. If there is a night that I haven’t drank since separation back in January, I don’t remember it. I don’t always get hammered, but I almost always have something. My 3 significant backslides during Dbing were always preceded by copious amounts of alcohol. Drugs, check. Pot is always available and blow is only a matter of hanging out with certain people. I think you are familiar with that particular crowd. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this. I started reading up on your sitch after reading your post to Germ’s thread. I can see you have navigated some of these particular waters. The funny thing is, I know exactly how slippery the slope is, I just don’t care. Anything to dull the pain. Anything to dull the damn pain.

I just came here from Newbies; my thread here is titled And so it begins… if you would like to stop by.