I think those are great points from Chris regarding the emotions. Plus...just accept the emotion when it hits and it will probably subside easier. What you resist persists.
Quote:
I'm trying to just sit back and be patient.
Yes you have to sit back. And yes you have to patient. BUT be careful with this because it also implies that you are sitting back and being patient while waiting for your H to come to his senses. And THAT is an expectation. That is what has you spinning in emotion because when it isn't happening, you replay the wrongness over and over. Again, it's acceptance. Acceptance means no expecations from your H whatsoever. You have to figure out how to be okay if he doesn't come to his senses. You have to make that happen for yourself. Until you start to live your life for yourself, you will not stop spinning in the emotions. IMO.
You are going to have a baby. You are going to be a single Mom (a FABULOUS one by the way!). It sucks. Trust me no one knows this better than me blindsided. But your little girl needs you to be okay with this reality so that you can make her ok. You can't change the circumstances for her...no matter how wrong they are. So you need to accept them so you can put all of your energy into the happiness of her and not in what's missing. I would bet money that as soon as your little girl arrives you're focus is going to switch without you even knowing it. You'll be so in love with her and so BUSY that it will be like H who?
One last thing...I can tell you from experience (as you know) that only once you start to do this...will you really be DB'ing. I love ya!! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Yes, I can't forget to smile. I don't usually have a problem doing that. I'm pretty good at faking it in front of H even though i want to rip his eyes out at the same time, sometimes.
No, Chris, he IS NOT the man I loved and M. He's almost kind of creepy. Maybe that will be my new mantra "he's creepy, he's creepy". I don't think him showing up to these classes is a positive step forward. I think it is almost more like a guilt thing. Like he's supposed to be doing it, so he is. Not that he has ever done what he was "supposed" to do before. I do think about the things that I do NOT have to put up with anymore. You know what the best one is? He can't cheat on me anymore.
Jenny, wow interesting development in you sitch. I read your thread. I'm trying not to resist. I'm actually trying to just put it in it's place and let it pass. Sometimes is easier than others. I am working on sitting back and waiting, but NOT for him. I'm NOT waiting for him. I love him, I miss him. I want our family and our M together. But, I'm really trying to accept that there is a big possibility that we are going to get D and he is going to move forward with OW, FW, SFB (take your pick of acronyms). Oops, did that still seem a little bitter? Sorry. I am guilty of playing the wrongness of the sitch over and over again in my head and there are many times that the emotion of it all hits me like a ton of bricks. But, it seems to subside faster these days and I am having more positive days. I try to remember that when I'm in the midst of it. I keep telling myself, I CAN get through this. I have before and I will again. That seems to help, some. Everyone keeps telling me (including MIL) that as soon as Kendall arrives, H will take a backseat and I'll be thankful that I don't have to deal with taking care of him, too.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
"I don't think him showing up to these classes is a positive step forward. I think it is almost more like a guilt thing."
Amen.. That "little voice" is talking up a storm.
"I am guilty of playing the wrongness of the sitch over and over again in my head and there are many times that the emotion of it all hits me like a ton of bricks."
We have all felt wronged. You have to understand dwelling in it won't make it right. 99% of the people here will tell you they are more wronged than you. They would be just as wrong as you are dwelling in it. If I ran up to you on the street and smacked you right across the face and ran away. Are you going to dwell on it for the rest of your life.. or are you going to accept it and move on? Don't think it won't pop into your mind from time to time. Thats what he has done.. a run by smacking. You trying to figure out why he did it.. No hope. You accepting it and moving on.. Hope. Leave the crap behind.. and hope.
"H will take a backseat and I'll be thankful that I don't have to deal with taking care of him, too."
Amen!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
That is an awesome list B!!! focus on that everyday!
also remember, that H is trying to find happiness. thus, he's changing things and trying to fit into OW's world. He's not going to find that happiness in that either. I truly believe that this is going to pass, but like Jenny (I think it was J) you cannot be patient waiting for it to happen, but be patient and have faith that it will, but know that you will be just as good w/o it happening and you can do this all yourself and don't need him to do it.
You sound so much better now, I'm so glad.
On him attending the class, I don't think this is out of guilt. I think deep down, he wants to be part of this, and this baby, to him is going to be the best thing he ever did-in his mind. I maybe wrong, but if you haven't been slyly trying to get him to go to the class, which you haven't that I know of, and you haven't been calling him to come, and he's coming on his own, then I don't see it being driven by guilt. What really suprises me is the fact that OW is "letting" him go. He must really be feeding her a bunch of B.S.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Good point FG. It's just a little more devastating when someone you love does a run by smacking than when a stranger does it. But, I got the point.
ST - I haven't even asked him about the classes. He asked me about them. He was the one that told me that he was coming. That was a pleasant surprise because I was prepared to be taking them with my Mom or by myself. But, I think his parents may have guilted him into it. Don't know this for sure, thought. I know my H is trying to find his happiness. I truly, truly believe that he won't find it with OW. I'm just worried that it will take him a long time to realize that. I know I don't NEED him. I've known this since we started dating. I'm a strong, independant woman. The difference is I miss him and I want him. I want my family and my M to be back together. But, NEED is not a word, I have ever used to describe my feelings for him. I wondered why OW has been so quiet about him attending the classes. Tuesdays class, I know he was working, so she may not have known. Tonights class is a different story. I can't imagine that she doesn't know. So, of course, my mind goes straight to the...."she must feel pretty confident that H has no feeling for me otherwise she would be upset" but, this is speculation. Dropping IT.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
That is really cool that H has just come all on his own. maybe his parents guilted him, but I'm almost certain that wouldn't make him go. But either way, don't let yourself start expecting him. Perhaps go every time expecting him NOT to be there so you don't get let down if he happens not to show up.
Have a wonderful night, and continue preparing yourself to be positive for when Kendall comes!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Good morning all, Well, last night went fine. I didn't hear from H all day so I wasn't sure if he was going to the class or not. I just prepared myself that he wasn't and I would go it alone. I was fine with that. But, lo and behold, he pulls up about 15min before class starts, on his new street bike, of course. Show off! Look what I spent all our babies money on? We went to class and he was very much a gentleman. I was actually proud of the way he conducted himself and that he was doing the practice exercises, even though I know he felt goofy doing them. During the class, he put his arm around me and started caressing my shoulder. At first, I thought....he must have forgotten that I am not OW for a moment. But, then he did it a few more times during the evening, even pulling me closer to him. I wanted to cry. Because I thought... this is who my H is. Why can't I have this back? But, of course, after class, he rides off to be with OW and all the good, comfortable feelings go out the window. But, I maintained my composure. I was good. I didn't cling or pressure for conversation. It was pretty natural. He kissed me before he left and I miss him. But, I'm okay. I'm okay. At one point during the class, my phone rang (I had it on vibrate, but you could hear it vibrating over and over 3 times in a row and then I got a text message). Finally, H kind of snapped and told me to turn the ringer off. I think he was upset because he didn't know who would be calling me so many times in a row. Hmmmm, another man perhaps? Good, I hope he felt a tinge of jealousy. It just happened to be 3 of my friends that called all in a row, what are the chances of that? Overall, the night was good. It was comfortable and felt normal. It makes me sad to know that we can be that way and for the last 6 months I KNOW he's seen the changes in me. But, it's just not enough to make him want to be a family and give our M and family a try. He is so comfortable in his new life that I'm pretty sure he doesn't even consider the possibility of coming home anymore.
But, I am NOT going to fall back into despair. I am moving forward. I have not choice. I must for my sanity and for my daughter. I hope that someday he sees that he made a huge mistake leaving us. But, that's up to God.
God has a plan for me. I know this. I just don't know what it is. But, I am thankful for all the wonderful things and people I have in my life. And, all the wonderful things and people that will come into my life.
Forrest, I smiled the whole time and was darn cute and acted as if.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
"But, I am NOT going to fall back into despair. I am moving forward. I have not choice. I must for my sanity and for my daughter. I hope that someday he sees that he made a huge mistake leaving us. But, that's up to God.
God has a plan for me. I know this. I just don't know what it is. But, I am thankful for all the wonderful things and people I have in my life. And, all the wonderful things and people that will come into my life.
Forrest, I smiled the whole time and was darn cute and acted as if."
Seems like steps in the right direction.. I like the tone in your post. This is all you can do.. It does make you stronger. Keep it up.. make it a lasting change.
I'm proud of you.. I know this is hard.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"God has a plan for me. I know this. I just don't know what it is. But, I am thankful for all the wonderful things and people I have in my life. And, all the wonderful things and people that will come into my life."
That is so WONDERFUL! Keep on these thoughts, you are getting closer and closer!
Now I only bring this up because of what you said. I do think this is going to take some time for you, and right now you DO need to focus on the positives and being able to stay in this mindset that you have now.
SOOO, your comment "on his new street bike, of course. Show off! Look what I spent all our babies money on?"
This is more of that resentment coming out. If you REALLY want to change, you've got to change that too. Because of this being in your mind, I'm almost certain that H is going to pick up a little of this no matter how good of an actress you are.
I remember also that H used to waste money. Let me tell you how bitter I was...We couldn't get M or even live together because we couldn't afford it, living in each others parents houses 3 hours away from each other with a baby who reached the age of 4 before we got M.. partly because H blew his $. He didn't even pay his mom rent! So whenever H would want to buy big things I'd reluctantly say yes after being upset first. This was not what I wanted to do, but I was bitter about him being selfish.
THEN...the sitch happened and I remember changing, and I remember he bought a pair of sneakers for $100. in my mind I'm thinking, ug, he spent money again. But then I thought. wait. if we had money or if money had nothing to do with it, would I be happy for him. well, heck yes. So I decided to be happy for him and compliment him on his cool shoes. I felt really good about it, and I know he did too. That is a big thing that I've changed, and he's actually been quite responsible even though I've been excited about his purchases now. I think it has let HIM be able to be the one thinking about whether it is right or not, and I'm not over his shoulder griping that he spent more money.
does that make sense?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
