Pregnant and heading for acceptance #2

[blindsided1]

Good morning all,
Well, last night went fine. I didn't hear from H all day so I wasn't sure if he was going to the class or not. I just prepared myself that he wasn't and I would go it alone. I was fine with that. But, lo and behold, he pulls up about 15min before class starts, on his new street bike, of course. Show off! Look what I spent all our babies money on? We went to class and he was very much a gentleman. I was actually proud of the way he conducted himself and that he was doing the practice exercises, even though I know he felt goofy doing them. During the class, he put his arm around me and started caressing my shoulder. At first, I thought....he must have forgotten that I am not OW for a moment. But, then he did it a few more times during the evening, even pulling me closer to him. I wanted to cry. Because I thought... this is who my H is. Why can't I have this back? But, of course, after class, he rides off to be with OW and all the good, comfortable feelings go out the window. But, I maintained my composure. I was good. I didn't cling or pressure for conversation. It was pretty natural. He kissed me before he left and I miss him. But, I'm okay. I'm okay. At one point during the class, my phone rang (I had it on vibrate, but you could hear it vibrating over and over 3 times in a row and then I got a text message). Finally, H kind of snapped and told me to turn the ringer off. I think he was upset because he didn't know who would be calling me so many times in a row. Hmmmm, another man perhaps? Good, I hope he felt a tinge of jealousy. It just happened to be 3 of my friends that called all in a row, what are the chances of that? Overall, the night was good. It was comfortable and felt normal. It makes me sad to know that we can be that way and for the last 6 months I KNOW he's seen the changes in me. But, it's just not enough to make him want to be a family and give our M and family a try. He is so comfortable in his new life that I'm pretty sure he doesn't even consider the possibility of coming home anymore.

But, I am NOT going to fall back into despair. I am moving forward. I have not choice. I must for my sanity and for my daughter. I hope that someday he sees that he made a huge mistake leaving us. But, that's up to God.

God has a plan for me. I know this. I just don't know what it is. But, I am thankful for all the wonderful things and people I have in my life. And, all the wonderful things and people that will come into my life.

Forrest, I smiled the whole time and was darn cute and acted as if.