It's been almost a year since we made love and he says see....that shows you we're done...Hhhhh..."
Don't believe that for a second!! My H told me recently that there were many times when he wanted to spend the night but he held back a lot!
And, your H would not like it if you were to move on with someone else. He may tell you that in the beginning but it is not true. H told me this as well.
True. FW said the same things.
The sex thing. Touchy subject around here.
I took a totally different approach than most. I don’t know that I would recommend my approach, but in the same breath I don’t know that I would recommend against it either.
Having sex and being sexual with your H while he is living with OW is TOUGH. No two ways about it, but I honestly feel it’s the thread that held us together. I really really do and so does FW.
Would it work for someone else the way it worked in my situation???
I can’t say. Every situation is different.
I’ll let you know what I did. I am NOT saying this is what you should do. You know your situation better than anyone so take this for what it is. One woman’s account of what worked in her unique situation.
OK, now that the disclaimers are somewhat out there, when FW and I first started having sex after he left, I initiated. In our 15 year marriage I had only initiated a handful of times so this was a definite 180 for me. I started with playful, suggestive comments and looks etc and escalated to touching him etc.
The fist couple of times he resisted. When he would resist I would always leave the door open for him to back out, but all while I was telling him it was OK if he didn’t want to I would be caressing, kissing, etc. Not fair tactics, but OW didn’t use fair tactics either. In other words, I made it very difficult for him to back out.
Eventually it just became a thing with us. A glance between us was all it took for both of us to know what the other wanted or he would send me a simple email some days with one word “lunch?” and I would write back the time I was leaving work and we’d meet at my house. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because at times it was hard. I was reduced to a booty call. At least that’s what I had to tell myself in my mind. I had to convince myself and FW that we were just using each other for sex. I had to convince both of us that there were no emotions involved, no expectations of anything other than sex.
FW has since told me that at first it was just sex, but eventually it became more. There was such a history with us that his feelings were never really completely gone and the sex helped them to grow. Helped a connection begin to form between us again. Sex kept us tethered to one another when nothing else did.
I’m not saying you should initiate. I’m not even saying you should have sex with your H, but I am saying that if you think it would be something that would be beneficial then I don’t think he will resist despite what he says. I think (and I may be wrong since I don’t know him from Adam) that he’s saying those things to convince himself as much as it is to convince you.
Sex is a big risk. Not only for disease purposes, but for purposes of detachment and protecting your emotions as well. I second guessed my decision to engage in it all the time. It was risk that paid off for me. I don’t know if it would for everyone though.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
