Husband insists its over-what now? Please help!

[lea123]

Hello!

Re: the house, unfortunately I cannot afford to stay here by myself. I can't buy him out because his family paid the large deposit on the house and I've signed a document stating if we split up, that money has to go back to his family. And I can't afford to take on the whole house on my salary

I could get a lodger for a bit, but I'm not sure if that would mentally stop me from GAL and moving on-as this was 'our house' and I'm not sure if I could deal with that. Does that sound stupid?? There's a lot to think about and its all such a worry.

My friend did a 6 week mini tour where she did something like USA-Australia-Fiji-Thailand which I think sounds amazing but maybe too much to cram into such a short time?! She loved it though. So many places, so little time!

I did some weeding in the garden today. Sounds like a little thing, but I have never ever touched the garden before! H would always do it. So I was quite proud of myself. And pulling the weeds out was quite therapeutic!

I also started clearing out old paperwork and just generally sorting photos, old cinema and holiday tickets, etc etc today. It was so sad to do, but it needed tidying anyway. I have put stuff that is specifically his in one box, and mine in another. Stuff that is both of ours I put in a seperate pile. Its heartbreaking to relive the memories and I couldnt quite believe I was standing there thinking-this is it. 10 years of a life together and now we're splitting up.

Hey ho, there's nothing I can do about it. As the wise people on here say, I can't control what he feels or thinks, I can only control myself.

Hoping for a good nights sleep tonight!
Thanks for reading

Lea
xxx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Lea,

You already sound pretty calm and centred, I think you are doing marvelously well! I agree with OneDay, the apology by text was a good idea.. and maybe it made him relax a little, as you chatted on the phone for 10 minutes.

Continue to not contact him and dont mention the house, dont mention it at all, let him bring it up. In terms of money, thats a tough one. I had left my career to go back to college and had no job when my BF left (hes never asked how I am coping financially). I went and got a bunch of part-time jobs, it wasnt what I was planing to do and I'm still not making the rent, but at least I didnt have to move straight away. Like you say though, maybe it will help you move forward if you sell the house.

I hope you are doing ok tonight, the travelling sounds like an amazing idea! Good for you,

Ali xxx

[lea123]

Hi Ali

Thanks for the reply. I have come to the realisation over the past few days that, in a lot of ways, I don't think I want my H back. At least not right now, and not who he is at this moment in time. If he was to come knocking at the door tomorrow I think I would say no. How awful is that?!

He has hurt me a lot. He has been distant (on and off) since November 06, which was just a few months after our wedding when he had problems at work. Since Feb 07 he has been saying that he doesnt think he feels the same, and now he says its definitely over and he doesnt love me. He is so matter of fact when he talks about the end of our 10 year relationship, no emotion at all.

Is this the man I really want to be with for the rest of my life?? This is really hard to write because I thought he was my soul mate-he still is everything to me. But I'm not sure if I could ever let him put me through this again. He has treated me so badly over the past 18 months-not nasty or abusive, but just indifferent and distant. He has not done anything nice for me in the last 18 months-in that I include send me a nice text, cook me a dinner, tell me how much I mean to him, or take me out for a meal, etc etc. Before all this he was the complete opposite. And now he is getting friendly with Little Miss Perfect Body!

I have been nothing but supportive and loyal to him, and I think I deserve better. I really want the old version of him to come back but I don't think he will

I'll probably feel completely different in the morning, but I just wanted to journal how I'm feeling tonight.

It really is a rollercoaster!

Lea
xxx

[One Day]

Hey Lea,

How are you feeling this morning? I hope a little better.

I was wondering, how are you getting on with DR, and have you made a list of goals yet? It's a really good first step on your journey, and really helped me in identifying baby steps my H was taking, as well as keeping u the PMA and focussing on positives. It probably doesn't seem like it now, but having something to work towards (both for yourself and your R, depending what you decide there!) can really help smooth out the rollercoaster ride!

Have a fab day- I can't believe it's sunny again!!

L.xx

[lea123]

Hello

No I havent made a list of goals. I've struggled with doing that. What sort of things should I be putting? My H has put a wall up emotionally and I feel that the distance between us is huge. At this point in time I really can't see a future for us-is that how you felt?

The sunny weather is definitely helping lift my mood, which I'm grateful for!

Thanks for replying,

Lea
xxx

[One Day]

Lea- why don't you have a stab at some goals- some for yourself, and some for your H, and we can give you feedback here on the boards. I think MWD also has some advice on goal setting in the rsources sections at the top of the forums page, and also in DR itself.

Your goals should be manageable, maybe 50-50 about your R and yourself. For yourself, what areas do you want to improve? Getting fit? Going out more? I wanted to make new friends, so my goal was to make at least 2 new good friends this year, and to go out lots more (I'm a bit of a homebody).

For my R, I wanted H to feel comfortable calling me and speaking to me. I wanted to see eye contact, and for him to feel secure in our friendship (if you want to see my other goals, find my posts from around the Jan 1st/2nd this year). Each of these goals was broken down into the smallest action that H would need to take for me to feel I was on the right path. As Michelle says in DR, when you see one of these baby steps happen, you'll feel a whole lot better about your DBing and be motivated to keep going. What would you like to see in your R with H?

In relation to not seeing a future for me and my H, I still sometimes feel like that, but then I try to imagine my life without him and I can't. I guess the thing to do is to take some time to decide how you feel and whether you want to fight for your M. There isn't a right or wrong answer to that- it's totally up to you..... Reading DR could help, so I would recommend getting into it properly.

Long post. Sorry!

L.xx

[lea123]

Hi

Thanks for your advice on the goals. I will have a proper think and start on them tomorrow.

H rang me today to say that he has arranged for our house to be valued on Tuesday So thats not good news.

Another bad thing is that he is planning to go to Download festival next month with his friends-and OW is in that gang and going. I am having visions of them sharing a tent and much more. Not sure if I can deal with that.

When he phones I am being upbeat, and I am not initiating contact
with him. He just seems to be moving further and further away from me emotionally. On the phone he sounds like a stranger. I am drawing him into short conversations and after a couple of minutes he sounds more at ease. But otherwise he's cold towards me.

I feel resigned to the fact that I have lost him. I can't imagine my life without him, but feel that he needs space to sort his head out. FIL rang me tonight to see how I was, and said to me that H has told him it is definitely over and that he's not going to change his mind. FIL said that H hasnt seemed to grieve for the M at all, and FIL really sympathises with me and thanks me for all the support I have given H throughout his depression. FIL also believes that this is about much more that just our M-he also thinks that H may be slightly autistic as looking back he has had some symptoms since childhood. FIL cannot understand this at all. Neither can I!

H has been gone for nearly 6 weeks now, so I am getting used to living by myself. I can even imagine a short term future without him. But it terrifies me that he may not be a part of my long term future. I still think 'he's the one'.


Lea
xxx

[One Day]

Hey Lea,

Great news on working on the goals. I can't wait to see them!

Another bad thing is that he is planning to go to Download festival next month with his friends-and OW is in that gang and going. I am having visions of them sharing a tent and much more. Not sure if I can deal with that.

You can, and you will. Try thought stopping- saw someone posted on it to you in Newcomers? It's a great technique, and it gets easier with time. It's good that they won't be alone, on the plus side. I know that's scant consolation though. Vent here, and we'll rally round.

When he phones I am being upbeat, and I am not initiating contact with him.

Perfect- this is exactly what you need to do. He's noticing it for sure, and him moving further away/being cold *could* be a way to try and get a reaction out of you. He is also dealing with his depression, and it sounds like some other issues too. He will probably withdraw before he is able to reconnect with you. Speaking of withdrawal etc, have you read the 6 stages of MLC as posted by Hearts Blessing? They're in the MLC resources and are definitely worth a read.

I can't imagine my life without him, but feel that he needs space to sort his head out.

That is so right!

BTW, I think your FIL sounds pretty great! Ignore what H has said to him about the R; the WAS has to seem strong in their decisions to justify them. However, it's unlikely that they actually are so strong. My MIL told me she thought it was over for me and H because that's what H had told her/she just thought it. But it wasn't true, and I doubt it's true for your H either.

((((Lea)))) You sound like you're doing brilliantly!

L.xx

[lea123]

Thanks One Day

Have exchanged a couple of texts with H regarding financial issues and I am struggling with his 'indifferent' tone which he has whenever we interact. He's not angry or upset towards me, there is just no emotion whatsoever. In his mind it is definitely over between us.

I think the problem with my sitch is because he first 'announced' that he wasnt sure how he felt anymore back in Feb 07, in his mind for the past year or so he has been working on his marriage and his feelings and now knows for certain we don't have a future. He has no doubts at all. In his words, he is 'past it'. Although the last year hasnt been great, I had no idea he was still feeling like that, and I feel that I have been lulled into this false sense of security and WHAM, now this again. This is why he is so adamant he won't come back-in his mind he knows I don't make him happy anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the vibes I'm getting from H is that he has already moved on (esp now OW is on the scene). He is not unsure about his decision at all.

How do I come back from this?!

Sorry for waffling

Lea
xxx

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Lea!
You;re not waffling...dont apologise! I think there is more going on here, he cant be as over it as he seems.. otherwise, why the need for the cold tone on the phone? He is blocking out any feelings as a way to cope with his decision. You havent done anything wrong, as far as you have said here, this is all about him, so theres no need for him to be like that with you! So the reason must lie with him, I'm not making much sense, but...

Well, he has thrown himself into a new life at the moment, but 6 weeks is a short time, you have to wiat and see if the novelty of it all wears off. Lisa is right, it would have appeared over for her too and her H had an aubergine, but look at them 6 months later, he is calling her and snogging her in pubs and all sorts! Ok, they're not back on, but they're not lost touch either. But then, Lisa DBed like a pro.

Got to go, but I dont blame you for feeling low about it all and thinking he is your soulmate, I have that too. Its so maddening that guys can go off and hang out with their mates and go down the pub and go to festivals in a gang (my BF is off to Glastonbury!!) and appear to be having a very nice life thankyou very much, whilst we sit at home missing them and wondering what the hell happened.. BUT.. both your H and my BF have had long term emotional problems that stem back to childhood and are suffereing from depression. I dont really understand it as I've never had it, but from what I've been told.. we are the lucky ones in this sitch for NOT having that ! Whatever problems he had in an R with you will still exist if he gets into an R with this OW, and he'll be on the rebound to boot.. so dont torture yourself that they will live happily ever after, cos I'm betting that they wont...

Thinking of you!
Ali xxx