Any Regrets???

[NoCodeBlues]

I should have stuck to my initial response upon finding out, which was to tell W she was more than welcome to take her butt out the door, but the kids were to stay with me. I would NOT have been the nice guy and volunteered to move out instead. In fact, my first thought was to take all her belongings (and MIL's belongings) that first night I found out (while she was out of town) and throw them out in the yard. I then should have changed the locks on all the doors.

But of course my actual course of action was couched in shock and confusion from the bombshell, and I still had hopes that my spouse still had a heart and that we might have been able to work things out. It took me too long to "catch up" to the fact she was long gone already. I should have taken a 100% tough love approach and dried up the tears and pleading immediately. I should have realized from the start that the "marriage counseling" she initially agreed to was just a ploy to buy more time and buy cover.

I should have immediately exposed her treachery to all of her family. I should have sought out legal counsel sooner. I should have never taken a management position right before this bomb fell.

[karen43]

any regrets from what you've tried?

Anything you wish you'd done differently?

But you know what occurs to me is that even though I wish I'd done these things differently, I like to think that actually I've really worked hard and changed about as quickly as someone could. Gotten stronger, more self-confident, happier, etc. I mean in 6 months I have pretty much transformed a lot of things about myself. I mean I went from really wimpy doormat (I hate to bring this up but remember when I stayed up half the night washing my H's clothes before he went on a trip with OW??? I think it takes a little while to really make changes, not something I could do in a day or week or whatever. So I think some of us (me included) should give ourselves credit for all the changes we have made and not focus overly on the negative and the should haves and could haves that we can see with hindsight. Although don't get me wrong, it is an interesting post!!! Karen

[gForce]

I don't think he is implying that you should have done better. I think the point is to get your feelings in retrospect for the benefit of the folks earlier than you are in this awful process.

[JeffSTL]

I would have found help earlier, may have help me avoid some situations that didn't make me look good (lost my temper)

W is moving out and there is nothing I can do but wave goodbye I cannot control her everyone says detach, I say help her pack, I'm confused

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 Merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 not intercourse yet ??
WHAMMO - W moving out June 1st

[karen43]

I don't think he is implying that you should have done better. I think the point is to get your feelings in retrospect for the benefit of the folks earlier than you are in this awful process.

I understand that, but I was just trying to say that I think there is a certain process to DBing. I mean like when you first start here at least for me I was just DBing to get my H back. Then after a little while or maybe a few months or whatever, I started DBing for myself. But it's a process that takes you time to get to that point. It would be great if I could have had a focus on DBing for myself from the get-go but I think you have to work on that, work on detaching, etc. I think maybe this is a process and maybe all of us take a little while to get "in the groove" (I think it is Theoden that says something like that).

So yes, it's very helpful to read this thread, but I think it is a process and some of us may take longer than others. But when I look at what I've accomplished, I overall don't have any "should haves" or "could haves" because I think I have actually changed myself relatively quickly (5 months after years of living like I was.) I don't know if I'm making any sense, but when I see the should haves and could haves in this thread, I just think that DBing takes a little while. Look at how many years it takes us to get our high school or college degrees so a few months or 5 months or whatever doesn't seem like that long to me. I don't know if I've made sense to anyone else here, but it makes sense to me anyway!!! Karen

[Snow White]

I understand what Karen is saying. I had all the advice from the start but everyone gets to the point where they can take that advice in their own time.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sometimes you can't see what you can't see. Until you do.

[Yoyowife]

Oh yeah, I agree with that 100%. We know what we need to do, but just doing it is another whole story... Should've, Could've, Would've....

I predict that this thread will get so many replies that the "lock fairy" will be visiting it soon. The thread sure has given many people points to ponder!

[saffie]

I know this is about regrets but I am GLAD I took a tough stance with my spouse when the bomb hit - if he could have, he would have cake eaten - WTF not?

It still took me/ still is taking me quite a bit of time to get over certain aspects of him having an A and bits of DBing have really helped me with those.

My biggest regret was spending so long feeling I should forgive the OW. It held me back and let her reside in my head far too long. Once I forgave MYSELF for not forgiving OW, (hope that makes sense), I started to move on again.

I haven't done anything mean to OW. I know that she is so horrid that she will eventually get what she deserves from someone else, (wouldn't mind being tipped the wink so I could see it happen tho' ).

[thegoodfight]

I would not have spoken to the family until the final decision was made. They rode the roller coaster with us. Hind sight being 20/20 I would change that.