today (in about 2 hours) h is coming to pick me up. My 15 year old volvo died on monday and is too expensive too fix (not worth it) so I get his 3 year old Suburu and he's getting a new Suburu, so we are going to the dealership. This is the first thing we have done together since he's left and the first thing we've done alone since initial bomb end of feb. So basically we will be together all day.
I'm nervous a bit. WE had a lot of R talks this week because we have a financial situation (I never knew he had a large AMEX bill, ect -- kept it to himself and finally told me that he wakes up every morning wanting to "vomit" due to bills -this was revealed to me about 2 weeks after bomb). So I told him I want to work on our financial situation together as a couple/family and that let to r talks. for the first time since bomb, instead of saying he is NEVER coming home, he said "I'm not ready", in a loving manner. the talks have actually been loving (granted, I have mostly focused on my side of the street, validating his feelings, etc).
He said relationship with ow is over. He said he "I swear on our daughter's life". I don't know if I believe him. He said the problem he is having is that because I was so "nasty" with my attitude (his words, but there is some truth, I can be a beeotch), and the sex thing (me never wanting it) "ruined" things for him. I know I am not to argue with his feelings, but I said "you CHOOSE if your feelings are 'ruined' or not, no one can 'ruin' your feelings". Anyway, there has been a smidgen of hope I guess, but I am NOT banking on anything.
I need a car (this is why I LOVED living in NYC all those years -- no car issues!), and for today I will be happy, upbeat, avoid any more R talks, and just focus on the day and being together. that's it. When I look at it that way, it lessens my anxiety. I will not expect anything from him (other than the car -- lol) and that's it.
I admit, I did get into asking him to come home this week when I felt the softening (and I DID feel a softening) on his end. This is where the tough part comes -- the waiting. Giving them space to think about things, convo you just had, your actions, etc. But I DO know that when I focus on myself (I'm going back to school, etc), I feel a tiny bit better and I KNOW it was a huge thing for h (I will actually be attending the school that he's on faculty because of the free tuition) -- he helped me every step of the way this week with this. I know he's proud and it's a HUGE 180 for me. the last couple of years I have really let myself go in many ways.
I was signed to RCA for the lord's sake when he met me! then we had Isabella, moved up here and I went into a depression I think. Didn't dress up cute, like I always did, never wanted sex, nagged at him, snapped at him about EVERYTHING.
Anyway, I know I am journaling, but it feels good to get it out.
Thanks for reading you guys.
Question: is it normal for WAS to "waiver" back and forth before they decide to actually come home? I def. feel a waivering going on for sure. one minute I can tell he wants to, then the next thing he says things like, "but it's 'ruined' for me', then the next thing (last night) he told me that he's "open" to trying again.
