It is a struggle that gets easier but doesnt go away. You have seen with me, that I seem to be moving along nicely but there is still kinks there. You just get better at dealing with them.
It will get easier, you will be stronger for this. You will have a better R with you W when this is over.
Give her the space for now. It really is true that if you stop pushing then she will stop moving away.
Speak soon
Wrists starting to ache now.
Steve
Me 27 W 30 M 2yrs/ T 5yrs Expecting our first child Sept 08 warning bomb (has feelings for someone) 21/12/08 I found out about OM (by snooping) 14/1/08 Living together.
Thanks Steve - 2 AM here, couldn't sleep. I used to have her picutre on my desktop of my laptop, took it off because evertime I saw it, it would take me back. Even though I keep backsliding, I do think I can stop talking about the R. I needed to set boundaries, I did, she was not abiding by them, maybe she cannot, I don't know. What I do know is that from here on out, I am concerntrating om me, I know I have said that before, but "me" is broken right now. I have actually taken a bsby step closer to detaching.
Last night, I just sat there and saw her as a liar that is in a fantasy land, maybe her fantasy will work out with OM, I hope not and I am not giving up, at least right now I am not.
I hope wrists feel better soon.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
CBK, you have made so many great baby steps in such a short period of time. I'm sure you will grow into a great DBer, your posts will be legendary and (OF COURSE) there will be a Happy Ending for you. My inner voice tells me so. PLease, keep your hope alive.
Seriously, you are doing so well! I was a mess for a few months or so. Wouldn't even post, all I could say was : HEEEEEELP!
Now please try to get some sleep, you absolutely need it.
Did you try the EFT technique? It really worked for me.
((((CBK))))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
CBK...a LOT of marriages are saved at the 11th hour, and many folks remarry each other after divorce.
It's up to you if you're willing to hang in there, but you will need to do something different. It's more than about setting boundaries. What appeals to her about the OM?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Well, another new day. The last thing I told W last night is to see if we can at least get along in the house. We have actually had a little interaction this morning. The good news is that I really didn't care - I am working out of the house today so need to do laundry and clean up to get ready for the weekend. Will probably run to the store and get some shopping done as well.
I guess the only thing I have right now is just acting "as if" and no R talks - funny, I think that may be easy. I had to get one more out last night - don't know why, but I did.
SGT - I wish I knew what appeals to her about the other man - I don't know him or have seen him, only read about him. He listens to her - he "gets" her. I know he is at least 10 years younger than she is as well - not much I can do there... I have been listening more - but when I back slide, all those positive steps get nullified. So that is why I cannot backslide anymore.
I read some success stories on the board, but I read a lot more stories of broken R and M - I don't want to be a statistic, but I just don't see this going down a good path, especially as long as OM is in the picture. I am sure that will come up at MC in two weeks, but I am not going to worry about it.
I should clarify my post from last night. My S19 wanted the password to the cell phone account online so he could check out his plan - W said she would do it. I said you don't need to worry about me checking the phone records - she got all pissy and said I don't want you to have his number. I said, if I wanted it, I could get it even though the numbers are in your name. I said I have no desire to contact him. I didn't call him names or anything, but I did in my head. That was confusing what I wrote last night.
I hope everybody is doing as well as possible today,
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Well, another new day. The last thing I told W last night is to see if we can at least get along in the house. We have actually had a little interaction this morning. The good news is that I really didn't care - I am working out of the house today so need to do laundry and clean up to get ready for the weekend. Will probably run to the store and get some shopping done as well.
I guess the only thing I have right now is just acting "as if" and no R talks - funny, I think that may be easy. I had to get one more out last night - don't know why, but I did.
SGT - I wish I knew what appeals to her about the other man - I don't know him or have seen him, only read about him. He listens to her - he "gets" her. I know he is at least 10 years younger than she is as well - not much I can do there... I have been listening more - but when I back slide, all those positive steps get nullified. So that is why I cannot backslide anymore.
I read some success stories on the board, but I read a lot more stories of broken R and M - I don't want to be a statistic, but I just don't see this going down a good path, especially as long as OM is in the picture. I am sure that will come up at MC in two weeks, but I am not going to worry about it.
I should clarify my post from last night. My S19 wanted the password to the cell phone account online so he could check out his plan - W said she would do it. I said you don't need to worry about me checking the phone records - she got all pissy and said I don't want you to have his number. I said, if I wanted it, I could get it even though the numbers are in your name. I said I have no desire to contact him. I didn't call him names or anything, but I did in my head. That was confusing what I wrote last night.
I hope everybody is doing as well as possible today,
CBK
Ahh the dreaded backslide. They are a B***H aren't they. backslides are common, you and I both know that to well.
I'm gonna be like Dorry(the litle blue fish) in the movie Finding Nemo( my D's favorite movie)....."just keep swimming" "just keep swimming" "just keep swimming"
I know it looks dark to you CBK, I know your filled with dread and despair..I'm here for you buddy
The OM "listens to her- he "gets" her". I said that. My OM was 10 years younger, too. Learn about your wife and remind her what you know about her. She thinks you don't know her at all.
Don't dwell on "being a statistic". Every R is different and you have lots of support. No matter what happens with you, you will be ok.
Little Nemo was just on TV the other night and I watched it - by myself, love that movie... I know, keep swimming. Maybe there is just enough doubt in her head, I don't know.
You are right WDID, he listens and gets her - I get her, but she won't talk to me, so I can listen to her very well. Actually we do talk, but last night I even said that when we do, one word answers don't help. She said she didn't want to send mixed messages, I said she should be sending mixed messages because you said you are confused! Nothing like telling her what to say.
I am bummed my parents won't get her until about 4 PM - that is fine, but was hoping they would be here earlier so I had somebody to hange with. The kids are around, so that is good. I have to do some shopping and run some errands - so will keep myself busy.
The big piece for me is NO SNOOPING - that should be easy today though.
I keep telling myself, I just need a sliver of her heart to open up again, then we would have something to work with.
Believe it or not, I am still hopeful, I probably shouldn't be, but I am. I was at a little over 5% hopeful - I am probably down to about 3% right now, but don't feel as bad as I have in the past.
CBK
Last edited by CBK; 05/09/0803:34 PM.
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Little Nemo was just on TV the other night and I watched it - by myself, love that movie... I know, keep swimming. Maybe there is just enough doubt in her head, I don't know.
You are right WDID, he listens and gets her - I get her, but she won't talk to me, so I can listen to her very well. Actually we do talk, but last night I even said that when we do, one word answers don't help. She said she didn't want to send mixed messages, I said she should be sending mixed messages because you said you are confused! Nothing like telling her what to say.
I am bummed my parents won't get her until about 4 PM - that is fine, but was hoping they would be here earlier so I had somebody to hange with. The kids are around, so that is good. I have to do some shopping and run some errands - so will keep myself busy.
The big piece for me is NO SNOOPING - that should be easy today though.
I keep telling myself, I just need a sliver of her heart to open up again, then we would have something to work with.
Believe it or not, I am still hopeful, I probably shouldn't be, but I am. I was at a little over 5% hopeful - I am probably down to about 3% right now, but don't feel as bad as I have in the past.
CBK
God, I think our W's are one in the same. They say the same things word for word.
I know, keep swimming. Maybe there is just enough doubt in her head, I don't know.