It has been 5 days since I left the house as part of our S, this has been a rough 5 days. I have still seen the kids everyday and talked to the W about the kids either in person of on the phone, but it is hard for me not to ask her about US.
I know GAL and all of that but I love her and after seeing my sons reaction when we told him that dad wouldn't be sleeping at home for a while, well needless to say he cried, I cried, and the W cried.
Everyday when I see him he tells me about his "plans" to help me and mom stay together. I try and explain to him that this is not his fault and that we just need some time because adults who still love each other just need time to work things out.
He is writing the W notes about letting me move back in and that he wants to do things as a family. I realize that this is him trying to fix the M in his way, but I don't know if I should discourage his actions because if we do end up divorced he might see himself as a failure, and I don't need a 7 yr old carrying around that burden. I know not to encourage his behavior, but by discouraging him he might see it as me not trying or not caring about the family which is the farthest thing from the truth.
He talks to me and tells me how sad he is when I am not there, that breaks my heart and makes me want to try and talk my way back in, but that defeats the purpose of the S, which is to give time and space. I have encouraged him to continue telling me how he feels and in an effort to prevent him from taking sides in this I have told him that if he feels sad when I am not around to talk to his mom about it. My W was surprised about him asking if he could move with me when we told the kids that I would not be sleeping at home for a while.
As for the D, things are still not moving, which I see as a tremendous positive, she doesn't even mention D or finding a mediator. I am giving her the time and space she requested and she seems to be backing away from the "this is it" rants that have been going on for the past 2 months.
I called her tonight earlier than I usually would, causing her to ask me if I really do carry my cell phone at work, which is something that has always bothered her. I explained to her that I had my phone with me instead of in the car because I changed at work and brought it in with me. Normally as a rule I always leave my phone in my personal vehicle until I load up my work car, then I will leave my phone in the work car unless I need it. There has been may occasions where she tried calling me and because I was away from my car I would not answer, sometimes for hours, causing her to be suspicous. I always told her the truth about why I don't carry it on my person at work which is simply that I don't want my phone broken, lost, stolen, or people asking to use my personal cell phone, not because I was avoiding her.
As I have said before, I love her with all of my heart and I will continue to work towards a R, whatever it may take. I gave up on alot of imortant things in my life in the past, but I am not going to make the mistake when it comes to my family and marriage.
