On another note, H seems to think I'm mad at him whenever he sees me on the computer now. This has come about ever since he learned of the site. I tell him no, I'm not mad at him for anything. Tonight I asked him why did he think that, and he just shook his head, looked away, and said he didn't know.....Hmmm.....The other night he said something like, "So you go online and talk to strangers about me? Nice." Ok, whatever.
This evening, he also asked me what my plans were for the weekend. I told him besides working that I had the appt for training with the nurse on Saturday, then on Sunday, I would be doing the actual procedure with the nurse watching. He asked if I could get someone else to cover it, and I told him that I couldn't. It was too late. I asked him why, and for just a split second I thought, "Is he going to ask me to do something with him this weekend?", but then I knew that wasn't likely since he has to work this weekend, too.
Of course, I was right. He said he asked because he thought I should be out camping with the kids. He said I should go with them on Friday then come back on Saturday in time for my appt. I said that would probably be nice, but I didn't feel like going out there for just overnight. Having to be back sometime in the morning would suck. H said, "Well everytime you make plans to hang out with your sisters or whoever on a Friday or Saturday night, you always come back late that same night. What would be the difference now?" I said I guess there really wasn't a difference.
It started to feel as though H was pushing for me to not be around tomorrow night, so I asked him why was he pressing this issue. Again, he said he just felt like one of us should be there with them. I told him, "Well if you can find someone to cover your shifts, you're more than welcome to go out there yourself and join my family." He said he couldn't get anyone to cover for him, and I said neither could I. I told him I have responsibilities this weekend just like he does. He said he knew that, and then he said he just felt like it should be him out there camping with the boys.
I reminded him that he told me not too long ago that he's got some vacation time he needs to cash in on, so maybe he ought to plan a camping trip or whatever. Something for him and the boys to go do together. He said yeah and looked a little sad.
Then he said, "Isn't it important to you to want to be out there with the kids?" I answered, "Yes, it is important to me to spend time with them, but I also believe that it's easier for me than it is for you to let them go off with family for awhile. In the same way you spend hours and hours at work, I spend hours and hours with the kids. You need a break from work. I need a break from the boys. That doesn't mean I don't love them or that I don't care or worry about them. I just need a well-deserved break or two every now and then. It helps to keep me sane."
Couldn't really tell, but it seemed like he was a bit disappointed. He just said, "Alright," then went to bed.
Hmm, I don't know. I still feel like he was maybe hoping I'd be away for the weekend. Doesn't really make too much sense though because he's going to be working all weekend himself, although he will be off Friday and Saturday nights. Hmm...oh well!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
