I know the pain. We all do. You're right that it takes alot of effort. It takes all I've got to reframe the same thoughts you have. I can go there with the self-pity too.

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I feel like there has to be something terribly wrong with me but the cosmic joke is that no one will man up and tell me what it is, least of all my H.


Forget about someone else telling you what's "wrong" with you. Your H should have the stones to put his issues with you on the table. Don't let the fact that he doesn't stop you from your own "soul searching" and introspection. Are you the woman you want to be? If not who is she? How do you move towards that vision? It's hard work and I don't always like what I see. One of the tricks I use is to see myself through my H's eyes. The other is to set goals (some small and some big) and what I'm doing to move towards them.

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I failed as a wife and I'm failing as a mother. I am obviously completely lacking in any capabilities where love and marriage are concerned. I wasn't enough to keep my family together, I wasn't enough, never good enough. I never have been, never will be.


First of all a failure is an event, never a person (IMO). Second you didn't fail. It's just that we can only control ourselves, not someone else. That he is lost right now does not in any way diminish what you're doing and your value as a wife and mother. I've struggled for a long time with not feeling "good enough". I've always been good enough even when I wasn't perfect. Even when I screwed up. You are too.

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This hopeless feeling is so overwhelming. I'm a useless, waste of space and no good to anyone. Knowing that I have no chance at any measure of happiness in my future is paralyzing. Never to be held again, never to feel that another person cares for me. It's too much for me to handle.


It can be overshelming and it can sneak up on you. What you have to remember is that you are not worth less than anyone. Right now,you may feel like you'll never be happy again, but you will. It will take time and you need to look for the joy in a moment. Doesn't have to be big stuff, just don't wait for your life to "arrive" (when I'm thin enough, when I'm rich enough, when I'm.....enough). You are enough. You have value and worth. Ever see the film or read the book "The joy Luck Club"? More than one daughters story has to do with discovering her self worth.

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I'm not pretty, not smart, I'm overweight, and I have no personality.


Buzz. Thank you for playing. In whose eyes? Your own? You H loved you enough that he wanted to marry you. I'll bet he thought you were the cat's meow. If you'd like to look nicer, change how you dress and/or your make-up. Smarter? Take up something new. Something you're passionate about. It's amazing how smart we are about the things we're really interested in. Weight? This is a tough one for me. I've struggled with it most of my life. I look pretty good now, at least I'm happier with it. I focus on my health as opposed to the scale and I walk (if nothing else), lift weights and take pilates at a community college. Has my H ever said a word? Nope. The point is, I like what I see when I look in the mirror. Personality? I think you're depressed and overwhelmed right now. Ask a friend or even someone you work closely with how they'd describe you. It helps sometimes to see ourselves through the eyes of another.

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I used to think I was so lucky to have such a wonderful H and beautiful son. I didn't deserve them. Now, I know that I was seriously lucky for a while but that luck ran out.


Ummm, they are lucky to have you too. Whether you believe it or not right now, you deserve to be cherished and you will be. Everytime you think the negatives you need to stop yourself (it'll be hard at first) and replace it with a positive. Get a nice thick rubberband and wear it on your wrist. Snap that puppy hard when you catch yourself thinking this way. If that doesn't work try jumping up (yes in public) and screaming bugga bugga. Then if nothing else say to yourself that "I am independent of the good or bad opinions of others", "I am beneath no one" and "I fearlessly face any and all challenges". I like to do this a couple of times a day while I look in the mirror. Try to see the fire in your soul (not your eyes).

The promise you made to yourself reminds me of the song "I am a Rock" (Simon and Garfunkle). It comes from a place of torment and hurt. No one should live that way. IMO to live without reaching out is truly a wasted life. We all have gifts to offer. When we don't know what they are, we need to dig deeper to find them. As much as I hate that I'm going through this mess, it has opened my eyes to much and given me an opportunity that I would not have taken otherwise.

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My dreams are gone, my family is gone, I don't know what else I can do. There is no future for me. I'm just not made of strong enough stuff to get through this.


Your family isn't gone. It may have changed (even if it's a temporary change), but family is what you decide it will be.
There is always a future and hope. Of course you can get through this. There really isn't another option. you have a son to raise and I can tell what he means to you. This is where you cowboy up and be the Mom he deserves. You can do it. I'm psycho (oops, that's psychic).

Do you have a C or DB coach you talk to? I've found the DB coach I talk with really helpful. I can't call alot ($), but I really think I get a big bang for my buck. I hope you feel better tomotrrow.

HUGS

HUGS