H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Jen_Jam]

I feel as if i'm not handling this well at all. Everytime i respond, it appears to be through anger and not validating.

I agree with everything you all have to say, i'm beginning to think i myself have a serious problem with anger...

OK, it seems to be a cycle - but it only takes one person to break that. One of the most powerful words I learned was a simple "OK". I used it yesterday in a meeting where a supplier was trying to push me to spend more money. I just kept saying "OK". He was unable to fight me. The easiest way to stop an argument is to not argue. it doesn't mean you have to agree, but don't list out the reasons why the other person is wrong. They cannot then fight you.

Last night all I could think about was what Saffie had pointed out - that his apologies were empty and insincere. Also that he hates confrontation and will do all he can to keep me onside.

Yes, that is one possible explaination. But it may not be the right one.

Lets not forget that the A has probably been going on for much longer (maybe a year more) than he has admitted to, so i know about how much deceit he is capable of. Maybe i'm not as capable of forgiveness as I thought I was?.

Be patient with yourself. This is a LOT to forgive, and at the moment you're still reeling as you feel you don't know all the fact. So you're not sure where to begin for the forgiveness. I believe that this stage (forgiveness) will come along much later. At best for now is acceptence.

I know he sees OW on a daily basis b/c of work and she appear to have replaced me as a friend b/c i know about work issues that they have talked about. Stuff he would normally discuss with me.

Maybe, maybe not. Possible your H doesn't look on her in the same way he did you. You cannot see into his head and so can't be 100% sure. You also have no control over who he talks to, so just let this one drop - big STOP sign, remember?

Also last night i thought why just not file for D?, get it over and done with, he's not coming home, he has lied and decieved for probably most of our R, could he ever change? Probably not.

I thought this a lot of times during my sitch, but if you pinned me down it wasn't what I wanted. The release of getting a D would have been great, it would mean I could have started on the road to recovery, but I knew that further down the line I would have asked myself "what if...?" I made a decision that D was going to be an absolute last resort, and that I just had to get my head down and put up with the heartache for the time being. Thats when I GAL'd a lot, made sure I took care of myself. Summer 06 was THE BEST. I went out with friends, made myself happy and just let H sit in his wet nappy. I detached (took practice) and told myself that whetever H decided, **I** would be OK.

Another thing is that now he has freed up some cash for himself, he hasn't started teh decorating as he said he would to get the house on the market. I can just about afford the utilities but I'm scared to spend any money.

I have made an appoitment to see my S on tuesday.

If money is seriously tight (and remember it's tight all round in the UK now, all prices rising, tis' costing me an extra £10 a month to put pertol in the car and I only have a 1.1L!!!! It could be that too, but if you're seeing the L on Tuesday perhaps you could discuss then?

I'm sorry to be so negative. Its a year since today since the first bomb. I just thought that I would be further along than I am by now, yet i'm still unable to make decisions.

Don't you worry, this is a low, but it won't kill you. There are ups and downs in these situations. An up will be along soon. But I feel you are focussing too much of your energy on H, on what he is doing/who he's talking to/what he's thinking. This is DRAINING. You need your energy for YOU. You have no control over H, so don't worry.

I have a project for you ... Project Cheeer Up!
Aim - for you to feel calmer, to accept the situation you are in as t stands now, for you to be strong against your H's anger/relevations.
What are you going to do to get yourself into that place? What will be the first sign that you are getting there?

OK, it may be a year but there are no standard timeframes for these situations. But I do see YOU need to work on YOU, to become stronger. At the moment you are giving your H WAY too much power over you. Don't give your power away to ANYONE, EVER!