Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

I'm just so tired of being devastated and in so much pain every day, all day. It's just too much effort to put on a happy face and pretend.

This is all so ridiculous. This is going to sound like a bunch of self-pitying nonsense but it's the way I honestly feel and I can't seem to get my mind and heart around it. I feel like there has to be something terribly wrong with me but the cosmic joke is that no one will man up and tell me what it is, least of all my H. I failed as a wife and I'm failing as a mother. I am obviously completely lacking in any capabilities where love and marriage are concerned. I wasn't enough to keep my family together, I wasn't enough, never good enough. I never have been, never will be.

This hopeless feeling is so overwhelming. I'm a useless, waste of space and no good to anyone. Knowing that I have no chance at any measure of happiness in my future is paralyzing. Never to be held again, never to feel that another person cares for me. It's too much for me to handle.

I'm not pretty, not smart, I'm overweight, and I have no personality. Boy, do you wonder why my H left me? I'm just such a catch. I don't know why he was ever with me in the first place. Obviously just biding his time until something better came along. I used to think I was so lucky to have such a wonderful H and beautiful son. I didn't deserve them. Now, I know that I was seriously lucky for a while but that luck ran out.

I should have stuck to the vow I made to myself 20 years ago. I promised myself that I would never let any man get close enough to hurt me like I had been hurt so many times before. I broke that vow and look where it got me. The worst pain and suffering I've ever had.

My dreams are gone, my family is gone, I don't know what else I can do. There is no future for me. I'm just not made of strong enough stuff to get through this.