"I know the first EA is still at least somewhat going on"
you mean that the first EA was going on the last time right? It's not still really going on now? I think I got confused.
Anyways, I agree to not let your fears hold you back to having a great time. IMHO I bet H was already feeling stuck in the M, and then watching someone else get M knowing that it's suppose to be forever... again making him feel even more stuck than he was...that it was just a last straw kinda thing.
I bet this time round is different though. The way your H is acting towards you is different. Don't let your anxiety affect your mood and therefore you self-prophesy another problem. This could be a really great time together, so remember to act AS IF!
I understand the part about posting on newcomers and remembering. There was a time for a while where I just couldn't do it anymore. But right now, I have no problems whatsoever. It really does just take time, time to heal and time to forget. It's almost like a faded dream for me now. well, okay a faded nightmare.
gdnight
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Michelle Good point, we've gotten through lots of other "bombiversaries." And who knows.. H may not even remember that he 1. thought that and/or 2. told me that. He tends to forget a LOT of what he felt/said/did during those days.
ST About the EA - the first one (the one I tried to be friends with early on) is still going on. The contact with her is WAY less, but I know he still talks to her at work a lot and they call/text back and forth. None of it's "romantic" type stuff, but it's not appropriate - i.e. he'll talk to her about problems he has with me instead of (novel concept) talking to ME about it. He knows I have a problem with it so he doesn't do any of it in front of my anymore, no longer goes to her house or spends time with her after work or on the weekends, etc. Still inappropriate talks with her, though. To this day he sees nothing wrong with it. The few times I have brought it up, he feels I'm being unreasonable because "she's just a friend!" At some point I will have to address it with him and push the issue, but I don't think we're quite on solid enough ground just yet.
I am thinking about asking him to go back to MC with me but this time with the goal of IMPROVING things, not deciding to separate or not. That's all he ever seemed to think MC was for was to have someone present when he dropped bombs on me - he felt like we should "work on things" on our own and didn't need the MC. I think I can successfully argue this point now though, given that we proved already we can't do it on our own very well. I think a third party talking to us/him about the damage of an EA would be more effective too.
About the wedding - that could be. He was really weird about that M. He kept talking about how he really liked the bride/wife but "I guess we'll never see [cousin's name] at family functions anymore" or "that's the last we'll see of [cousin's name]" - it was very odd. She's VERY family oriented and they get together with the family all the time - heck I think they see H's dad more often than HE does! And I am very supportive of the family functions as well, even host them sometimes, so it's not like he was "telling" me something through those comments. I've never figured it out.
You're absolutely right, I need to act as if and set that anxiety aside completely! Thank you for the reminder. And I think that makes the decision on talking to H about it too. No reason to get BOTH of us anxious about it, better to work through it on my own and focus on having a good time.
Ahh I look forward to the day of it being a faded nightmare.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nik, You are doing so awesome. I know it must be a little bit uneasy at times, like you are dating all over again, except with a huge history between you! Nevertheless, relax and enjoy the ride!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
wow. I guess I missed the part about him still contacting her. I thought they had quit sometime ago. ??? and that he was EAing with that other girl for a while instead.
soooo, I do see why he keeps saying just friends. In a guy's mind, it's only an R or A if he touches her. Obviously we know better, but I don't think he really gets it, and I imagine he's thinking it's just you that has a problem with it, what's the big deal.
Hopefullly he will agree going to MC. I know my H didn't, but maybe yours will! plus the fact that he actually went b4...
The thing that I learned thru my sitch, okay, 1 of the million things, is that everyone has their own perspective. While one person is offended by some word, another is not...or one person is hurt by an action, where the other doesn't care a bit. So really it's all in the eye of the beholder so hopefully there will be a way, whether it be an MC, or something you do or say that will open your H's eyes to how it really does hurt you, and your M.
Hope your having a wonderful evening, and don't worry about the wedding, just go to have a great time...talk H up too, if he likes that.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
In a guy's mind, it's only an R or A if he touches her. Obviously we know better, but I don't think he really gets it, and I imagine he's thinking it's just you that has a problem with it, what's the big deal.
This could be very true, Nik!
One of my BIL's is a very outgoing guy and is ALWAYS talking to somebody (other than family) at social gatherings. More often than not, they are other females, and it bothers my sister. She feels it's highly inappropriate whereas he doesn't see anything wrong with it. In his mind, he's just talking to someone. Talking a little too much, perhaps, but nonetheless, just talking and nothing more.
However, if it is a big deal for you and makes you uncomfortable, as it did with my sister, then I agree that it does need to be brought out into the open. MC would be really beneficial, if you think he'll agree to going again.
(((Nik)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I really think you're right on the "touching her" thing. And yeah, they quit talking for awhile, picked it back up again, quit for awhile. Never for very long. I snooped enough to see that they call each other things like "the bestest BFF ever" (ewwww). This was around the time she sent him the pic of them skiing. The other EA that he had was more of a flirtatious thing - I think he either dated or considered dating her while we were separated.
GF Thanks so much. There is a LOT more history with this particular EA (what? you didn't go read all 200 of my threads? ) . At times in the past he's admitted having "feelings" for her but he's all proud he never acted on them. During one fight (in the early angry/yelling/crying days) he said "I've never even kissed her!" He does KNOW he let the friendship go too far - his theory is "If I already knew her before I met you, you'd be fine with me having her as a friend." Um actually.. I probably never would have kept dating him with this freaky woman around all the time. But anyway.. that's his theory.
Some examples.. he spent our 5th anniversary night having dinner AT HER HOUSE instead of with me. Yeah that's appropriate. He made some excuse about her roommate being a good cook. Whatever. The bomb dropped the next day when I was pissed and confronted him on this.
During the time I was actually attempting to be friends with her it was nuts. She came over to watch a movie one time (how cozy right - H, me, and her all on the couch under a blanket... OMG how did I let myself be so stupid???). Anyway.. they literally started a pillow fight OVER THE TOP OF ME. Smacking each other with pillows and laughing, while I was literally sitting between them and they ignored me.
And we went out dancing once while I was still in a wheelchair with my broken leg. He was basically "dirty dancing" with her - RIGHT in front of me. Some guy at the club was talking to me a bit and said "Um that's your husband?" I said "Yeah why?" and he said "Wow... soap opera at your house, eh?" Seriously..random stranger at a bar could see it when I couldn't.
I do really hope he'll agree to MC. I just don't think he's ever going to understand from my perspective directly why it hurts me so much. The good news is, he's gone before, and there's a local MC that he REALLY likes so... there's some hope.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
There is a LOT more history with this particular EA (what? you didn't go read all 200 of my threads? )
Guilty as charged!
Thanks for the recap! Wow, I can certainly understand how and why this effects you the way that it does! It DEFINITELY ought to be addressed, and in MC.
Quote:
The good news is, he's gone before, and there's a local MC that he REALLY likes so... there's some hope.
Again, that is fantastic! I really hope, too, that he will agree to going again.
Have a great weekend, Nik!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Thanks for the recap! Wow, I can certainly understand how and why this effects you the way that it does! It DEFINITELY ought to be addressed, and in MC.
Yeah.. it's definitely more than me being a little over-sensitive about him talking to a female too much! That was only a few of the more heinous examples. I could easily come up with 20 more (probably more than that even), but of course don't want to dwell on it all. I am already feeling the need to take a shower from talking about the skank too much..
Hope you have a great weekend as well!
ST - thanks for that link, great tips and reminders.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I think a third party talking to us/him about the damage of an EA would be more effective too.
) . At times in the past he's admitted having "feelings" for her but he's all proud he never acted on them. During one fight (in the early angry/yelling/crying days) he said "I've never even kissed her!" He does KNOW he let the friendship go too far - his theory is "If I already knew her before I met you, you'd be fine with me having her as a friend." Um actually.. I probably never would have kept dating him with this freaky woman around all the time. But anyway.. that's his theory. 
