Finding DB late in the game #4

[Virtually_Handsome]

I know I feel that way, sometimes. Two years ago we got the first "new" new car that we've had since 1988. And the money in isn't much greater than the money out. No exotic vacations. Eating out is a real treat. But, the tradeoff has been excellent. Four great kids, and I'm sure having mom home has been a big part of that.

[GoingForward]

Ay CW! They can be such sh!ts. You see, they think that if we aren't working 10 hour days then we're doing nothing. JERK is right!

I heard that! Grrrr!!!

I, too, am a SAHM. We may not work as physically hard as our Hs do, but still.....it CAN be draining nonetheless AND it IS a full-time "job".

I'd like to see them play "Mommy" for a day. An ENTIRE day. No! How about a WHOLE WEEK?!! A MONTH!!! Oh the thought!

I bet their attitude would drastically change. My H's did...Somewhat.

Four great kids, and I'm sure having mom home has been a big part of that.

You're wonderful, Jeff. And I must admit that my H still has a little bit of that same wonderfulness in him as well. Although he gripes and feels that I don't do as much as he does, he still believes that the main reason why our boys are so good and so smart is because "they've got you(me) here with them".

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((GF)))))

I KNOW my wife worked harded than I ever did! I have said it, but I don't know that she believes it. She has (it feels to me) a habit of coloring what I say with what she thinks "society" is saying. So, I can say that she did a great job, she hears something totally different. She says now that she wishes she hadn't done it. I'm not sure I believe that, but it is what she says.

(((((cw))))) Since it is your thread, and you are a great mom, too!

[cw68]

I'm not jealous of the DINKs and what they have. H says he isn't, but I feel he is. I'm jealous of their freedoms, for sure, but not their things. At the same time, I think their lives are empty. While I can imagine myself without kids, I wouldn't be like my H's boss, for instance. Most of his DINK friends are self-centered and shallow. I, too, would be traveling and the like, but I just know I'd be different because I'm not like them.

We're lucky and money isn't a problem. Even with me staying at home we have nice vacations, great savings and investments and nothing's really a struggle. No, our cars aren't new, but whatever. We don't need to worry about money, just be smart with it.

SAHM-ing is tough and my H has admitted he couldn't do it. He's thanked me a number of times and tells me that I'm mainly the reason our kids are so great, but I know that he doesn't think I'm mentally challenged enough. Instead staying at home makes me sanity-challenged plenty! He'll take over for a day, or a weekend, while I'm off doing something or traveling somewhere and I come home to a cleaner house, he and the kids have done a ton of things and I believe he looks at me like, "Is it too much to ask for you to do this?" But "playing" for a weekend is much different than doing it everyday.

I'm seriously pissed off right now. Rightfully so, but I have to make sure that it doesn't poison me.

Jeff, I understand what your wife is saying. Honestly, I wish I hadn't quit work. I have loved the years home with my kids and if you can be happy doing it, I think having a parent stay home is definitely the best. BUT. Big but. I think if I had worked we wouldn't be at this point. More importantly, I wouldn't be worried about financially taking care of myself for the rest of my life like I am now. I chose to stop working based on a verbal contract that's been broken. Never would I have jeopardized my future, and my kid's future, financially if I would have thought my H would do this. My poor kids, I will tell them not to quit working when they have children so that they aren't ever as vulnerable as I am right now.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Jeff, I understand what your wife is saying. Honestly, I wish I hadn't quit work. I have loved the years home with my kids and if you can be happy doing it, I think having a parent stay home is definitely the best. BUT. Big but. I think if I had worked we wouldn't be at this point. More importantly, I wouldn't be worried about financially taking care of myself for the rest of my life like I am now. I chose to stop working based on a verbal contract that's been broken. Never would I have jeopardized my future, and my kid's future, financially if I would have thought my H would do this. My poor kids, I will tell them not to quit working when they have children so that they aren't ever as vulnerable as I am right now.

I very much see what you are saying here. It's one of the really unfair things about the whole deal. A stay at home parent gets no credit for their work. No job advancement. No 401k. They are at the mercy of their spouse, financially. If someone can come up with a solution to this one, it would be great!

[cw68]

I get half of my H's 401k, but I haven't been earning any cashola for social security (not that I think it'll be around by the time I can retire), let alone the advancement in my career and experience I've given up. Luckily, I have been able to be active in things I can put on my resume, but still. It's a b*tch. I can guarantee you I will try to take him for as much as I can should we divorce as I believe I've earned it. He's been able to advance as far as he has as quickly as he has as a parent because I've been here. He's never had to turn down a business trip (a lot) or a business dinner because of the kids. He could stay late, do whatever, even though he had kids because my job was to take care of them. He soooo owes me.

[cw68]

Oh, and all that will change for him. If he divorces me, I'll be living my life around myself and the kids. He'll have to do the same. I'm going going to be a wench to him or anything, but if he needs to go out of town for work when he's got the kids, he's going to have to figure what to do that doesn't involve dropping them off with me. I can be flexible to a point, but not to that point. He's going to have to pay the consequences for his actions and realize that everything will have changed.

OK, I have to get off. I'm just getting more angry, too.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((cw)))))
Safe to say, life will change!

[CBK]

Thanks CW for commenting on my thread - you and I are on the different humps of the roller coaster right now... CBK

[BobbiJo]

As a SAHM who recently went back to teaching, I understand how you feel. No matter how much I love being with my kids, when I am not making money, I feel to an extent like I am spending my H's money, instead of OUR money. Now that I am teaching again, if I want to get a coffee in the morning, I don't feel guilty about it like I used to...

My H also travels a lot and has a lot of work dinners/after-work drinks, etc....He is used to me being the "baby-sitter" and that is going to change soon.

Just thinking of you!