Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Thanks Cinders! Me too! I have this strange feeling that God led me to this job because I wasn't even thinking of the Federal government as an option because my job (I'm a corporate travel coordinator) is not something I thought they would need. Low and behold, the CDC needs people experienced in complex travel itineraries involving remote areas and complicated entry forms. Right up my alley!!!!!

[mishka422]

Please keep me in your prayers. The application deadline for the job I am hoping for is today and they start evaluations tomorrow. This would be a huge step for me and my family in the right direction to complete independence.

Thanks!

[missmyfriend]

You have my prayers Mishka!!! Keep us posted!

[mishka422]

Ok, so is it wrong that when I saw my H tonight (for the first time on over 3 weeks) he looked really sad and sorry to have to leave and that made me feel better? That seems really terrible to me. I guess it might have just been a bit of a relief to realize that he is not having a wonderful, happy new life without me in it. I have all these horrible visions in my head of H and OW together just whooping it up and laughing at me for being such a loser. I was glad to see that he looked fairly miserable. That's just awful of me, isn't it?

H starts back on night shift tomorrow so he won't be spending much time with S13, not as if he has been anyway. He is almost useless when he is on nights. He sleeps all day and barely makes it out of bed to get in for his shift. He'll be on this schedule for the next 4 months so it will destroy any possibility of him spending time with S13 over the Summer. I'm so sad for my son.

I told H that he needed to let me know what side jobs he had scheduled for the next month so I could have a heads up of when there is a possibility that he might be spending some time with S13. He never lets me know more than a day ahead of time when he wants to spend time with him and I can't make any plans for myself or my son because of it. My son gets highly agitated if his dad calls and wants to see him and I have made other plans and deny him the opportunity. I don't want it to seem like I'm punishing H for not asking sooner but we have lives we have to live without him in them since he chose for it to be this way. I told him tonight in no uncertain terms that it wasn't fair to me to not give me advance notice. He stopped bellyaching about it when I put it that way and agreed with me.

I had to nearly bite my tongue off to not say to him, "So, when do you plan on getting rid of me?" He was in such a darned hurry for a D and now we're just sitting here in limbo land. I don't want to bring it up for fear that it would push him into actually doing something. I don't see him being strong enough to actually come out and say that he doesn't want a D anymore even though it seems like that may be what he is thinking at times.

Ok, ramblings of an idiot obviously. I'm so tired but my brain is racing so I can't sleep. Sorry for the long, runon sentences!

[mishka422]

Apparently, I have not been dramatic enough to get any words of encouragement or yelling at me to shut up and get over it already, but I'll keep journaling here anyway.

Ok, forgive the sarcastic comment. I do genuinely like all of you here, just feeling a little lost and lonely.

No word from H today, no hope of any word from him today. He said he's going to call me Saturday morning about taking S13 to Renaissance Fair. We always talked about going but we never went because he always had something else to do and now he's going to go. AARRGGHH!!!

I'm volunteering with my church Saturday morning at a local gas station where we're discounting gas 25 cents per gallon for two hours as a community outreach. We're washing windows and handing out information about our church. It should be fun. I want to plan something else to do after that but I don't have anyone to do anything with and I just can't seem to force myself to go anywhere by myself. I feel so conspicuous.

Tonight is my last Divorce Care group meeting. I'm so depressed. I'm going to miss having somewhere to go every Wednesday where I feel accepted and that my feelings are respected.

[Grace_O]

No word from H today, no hope of any word from him today. He said he's going to call me Saturday morning about taking S13 to Renaissance Fair. We always talked about going but we never went because he always had something else to do and now he's going to go. AARRGGHH!!!

Of course he is. I know it's hard, but the next thing that comes up you'd like to go to......GO! Take your S13 and just do it. If he isn't available go anyway.

I want to plan something else to do after that but I don't have anyone to do anything with and I just can't seem to force myself to go anywhere by myself. I feel so conspicuous.

The only way to gt over feeling this way is to go out and do things anyway. I'll tell you a secret, it's hard for alot of people and they just get out. I even went dancing a couple of times without my H. The probelm I had there was the closest place to go is a studio we used to go to as a couple. I still went, but I'm looking for someplace else, that's too much for me.

Tonight is my last Divorce Care group meeting. I'm so depressed. I'm going to miss having somewhere to go every Wednesday where I feel accepted and that my feelings are respected.

You only get so many? Who knew. What about starting your own group? Perhaps a game night group? Just a thought.

HUGS

[mishka422]

It's funny you should mention game night Grace. That's exactly what I've been talking to a friend of mine about doing. It's really hard to get people to be interested in doing something different! Can you say RUT???

I used to be in a Bunco group but we disbanded because everyone's lives got so crazy. It's really sad that we can't seem to take time for ourselves one night a month but we can give up our time so easily to meaningless things.

The church were I attended Divorce Care offers the class in the standard 13 week cycle and then encourages you to join a Lifegroup for further growth and Bible study. This is not the church I attend but I need to join a small group at my own church. I'm having a hard time finding one though. Our church has groups for singles however I don't feel that I fit there since I'm separated, not divorced. The other groups are couples, young women (20's), widows, and mixed. I'm not sure how mixed the mixed groups are and I'm afraid I'll end up in the wrong place where I'm not comfortable. My personality does not permit me to offend someone by backing out of a group once I've started with them so I'm afraid that if I end up in the wrong group I'll not be able to back out and try a different one even if I'm totally miserable. Then I won't grow and my walk with Christ will suffer because of it.

I pray to find the courage to step out in faith that God will put me in the right place. I'm obviously not comfortable with any decisions I make for myself since I made such a horrific mess of my life when I thought I could do it on my own.

[Grace_O]

I'm obviously not comfortable with any decisions I make for myself since I made such a horrific mess of my life when I thought I could do it on my own.

Oh sweetie, I hate that you feel this way. Someitmes the lesson is to be able to see that we aren't in the right place and (without judgement) let the folks involved know and move on (I'm talking the groups here). Perhaps part of your walk is to find the hight tensile steel you have in your veins. It's there you know.

BIG BEAR HUGS

[mishka422]

Thanks for the encouragement Grace. I really need it.

I just get really tired of faking that everything is OK all day when I am still dying inside. I know that no one wants to hear my crap anymore so I just shut up so I don't alienate my friends. I need them so badly. I really need to get away for a few days by myself and relax but I can't get any time off from work.

HUGS to you too!

[Nature Girl]

Hi mishka, thanks for visiting my thread.

Just let all your crap out on here!

You really sound good for the relatively short time you've been doing this! I know, it seems like eternity.