Real life's getting more like fiction each day....

[MichelleLT]

Good 180 with the TM.

Interesting convo with FIL. Maybe he'll get on H's case....we can dream right?

Congrats on the church thing! That sounds like a great GAL/PMA activity!!! (((Sara)))

[Starshyne]

Well I survived breakfast duty. As the school year comes to an end, the kids are more and more wound up. Geesh!

H came home somewhere between midnight and 12:45am. I am surprised that I didn't hear him come in because I didn't get to sleep until a little after midnight myself. (almost done with the book I have been reading) I still haven't called, just sent that one tm, did leave a message and didn't say anything to him this morning (saw him laying awake in the bed). I hope he notices a difference, because it is killing me not doing that stuff.

I have plans with mom tonight. We are going to work out, have something to eat and then I am getting my hair trimmed. Not a big haircut or anything, just needs to be "cleaned up" a little. Then the finale of one of the stupid reality shows I watch is on tonight. So my day is booked. I wonder what H's plans are.

Well my first class will be here soon. There are a lot of teachers out today for a conference, and things seem to be really, really "off." I honestly am not in the mood to deal with the kids with the behaviors today.

Sara

[MichelleLT]

(((((Sara)))))))

It will take time for him to react to the change in your behavior. Just keep going, one breath at a time, one day at a time. You are doing GREAT.

GL today.

[karen43]

Sara, you are doing really, really great!!! Doing LRT and GALing and everything else! And I do think LRT is the hardest thing ever so have been inspired by you today!!!

And surviving breakfast duty is amazing! I don't think there is anything more likely to put me on a diet than seeing the kids in the cafeteria. I still have nightmares and it's been a while!!!

Well about the kids with behaviors, I have a feeling your attitude today may "scare them straight" today hopefully!!! One of my teachers told us that she had a fellow teacher on her staff that was a heavy drinker and her students knew not to bother her and talk quietly b/c of hangovers! The funny thing is that she would have the kids reading library books all the time (it was quiet) and when they got their test scores back at the end of the year, the alcoholic's class did way better than my teacher's class. So she said she learned something from that--(hopefully not to become a heavy drinker but have them read a lot) !!! Karen

[MichelleLT]

One of my teachers told us that she had a fellow teacher on her staff that was a heavy drinker and her students knew not to bother her and talk quietly b/c of hangovers! The funny thing is that she would have the kids reading library books all the time (it was quiet) and when they got their test scores back at the end of the year, the alcoholic's class did way better than my teacher's class. So she said she learned something from that--(hopefully not to become a heavy drinker but have them read a lot)

ROTF LMAO

[Starshyne]

That is REALLY funny about the alcoholic's class' test scores. LOL! Well I have made it to afternoon recess without killing any children. Actually that weren't THAT awful, just really excited about everything. I feel like I have been such a disservice to my students this year. Since we came back from Christmas break, my mind hasn't been here.

I heard my cell phone going off during the day today. When I went to check it during lunch it was from my mom. I was really hoping it was from H. I know this all is going to take time and he might not react at all to the detatching I have been doing. Sometimes it still shocks me that he is doing this again. I just can't believe it. I thought we had moved past this crap and here he is again...staying out and not coming home. Not caring enough to contact me. So wrapped up in his own little world and his own desires.

I know that there is nothing I can do to change him. Nothing at all. I also know that until he gets his relationship right with God again, his relationship with me isn't going to go anywhere. Right now he is just moving himself farther and farther away from God and from me.

I do feel trapped. Which is almost funny because he is the one that kept saying how trapped he felt. But I feel trapped. Right now I do not have a lot of choices and I hate that. Hate how everything seem totally out of my control. I am sick of riding this roller coaster and regret the day several months ago when I said that my life was boring and nothing ever happens.

[GoingForward]

Sara,

You say this:

I know this all is going to take time and he might not react at all to the detatching I have been doing.

But you also said this:

I heard my cell phone going off during the day today. When I went to check it during lunch it was from my mom. I was really hoping it was from H.

(((((((Sara,)))))))

You are NOT detaching. I know you're trying, I KNOW, but I believe you NEED to try HARDER. Let go. STOP your thoughts regarding your H. Quickly think of something else. Papers to grade , what YOU feel like having for dinner tonight, ANYTHING else. ANYTHING!

What makes Sara feel happy? What brings a smile to SARA'S face? There's GOT TO BE something that DOES NOT involve your H. SOMETHING. What is it?

[MichelleLT]

You have more choices than you think. You can stay as things are, you can file for D, or you can work on changing any number of things.

Right now, but not calling H, you are working on changing one thing.

[Starshyne]

I will keep working on detatching. I do all sorts of things that make me temporarly happy, but like I said eariler. Everything I do is only for awhile. At the end of the day I am sad and feel empty.

I know that I have choices, but each choice that I have makes me feel more trapped than the next. So really....I don't have any GOOD choices. None that will benefit me and make me happy.

[MichelleLT]

So really....I don't have any GOOD choices. None that will benefit me and make me happy.

You only say that because you don't believe that any changes you make can actually take you to your goal. But with time and self-love, you will reach your ultimate goal - to be happy, with or without H.

The longer this drags on, the more convinced I become that you need to go VERY dim or dark on your H. For your own sanity. Living apart was the only thing that allowed me to detach from my H and the stitch so that I wasn't thinking about it 24/7. It helped me regain my equilibrium.

You need to do something for yourself to help you regain your equilibrium too. I think it is a start to not call H. You need to stick it out - it will get easier in a few days.

(((((((Sara)))))))) I have been there, I know it's hard, but it does get better. Hang in there.