Do I put myself out there to get burned again?

[sandycay]

Hi,

I am more of a reader than a poster but things have gotten "weird" the last week and I need advice. You can see below the time line. I have been what I considered really detached for about 8 weeks. I have gotten a pretty good life and learned lots about myself. I am happy. So last friday am I got a phone call from S in the middle of the morning. He sounds choked up and says " I am sorry, I now know how you feel and I am forever sorry I made you feel that way"... I don't question anything, I said thank you for the acknowledgment and I zipped my lip. I figured there was trouble over in the greener grass. Fast forward to 2am on Tues night. He calls me (never has done that either) and we talk for 2 hours.

Long story short he broke up with her last week. Why? Because of trust issues....he started wondering about her whereabouts as her story wasn't jiving and he said all he could think about was "I never had to worry about this with Sandy" He said he doesn't want to rebound with me or hurt me but wanted to know if I had shut the door. I said No, but the decision wasn't just his to come home it was now a mutual decision. We both acknowledge that him coming home is a long journey and I told him moving back home isn't an option at this time.

I can't go back to that dark place I was when he first left.

So, things I know...she is pursuing him like crazy and he travels alot so I really only have his word. He hasn't committed to it being really over. He says it is but ya never know. She's good at what she does. He is now a challenge again, so she will up the ante. Is he wise enough to see her for what she is?

Now, I am happy that he was the one to initiate the break up but as I look back at conversations we have had in the last 3 weeks I see little signs (baby steps) that were there but I was so far detached I didn't see them then. I think it was a good thing as maybe I would have stopped being so dark.I stopped analyzing conversations 8 weeks ago.

He told me that his hostile type attitude towards me over the last few months was because he didn't trust himself around me and he had to compartimentalize (sp) his feelings. He also said he missed me, family, yard, garage, boat etc. and the only way he could not was to turn into a different feeling.

LRT- I will say that we had a meeting together on Tues where I presented him with all the knowledge I had for a divorce. I had paperwork from a lawyer and the look on his face was one of reality. He is being generous with the money end (but not happy about it)(I can't blame him) so he wanted to designate all the money he is giving and say it's child support so I won't have to pay taxes for th spousal support. Nice, but I told him it was a mistake because "when I get remarried, you won't enjoy having to give me that type of money when someone else is living here. Husband, I am going to remarry at some point in time. I was made to be in a commited relationship with a man and I am not going to spend my life alone." The look on his face was that he heard me... and said "I know". I didn't say it in a threatening manner, just stated the fact.

Now, he text me yesterday as he left on a trip, on each leg of his trip to let me know where he is the US. He used to always do this after 9/11 as he is a pilot but had stopped when he left.
So here I sit wondering if I am about to be crushed again, (if he goes back to her), or if I sit and wait for him to come to me. He stopped by the house before he left in the morning (under the guise of seeing the kids) and hugged me for a long time. First time in 65 days, but whose counting. He also called me last night and talked to only me, not the kids.


He also says that he would never do this again to anybody. That he sees how wrong it is. He says he was unhappy before she came along....he's not sure why but she was just a catalyst. He recognizes that it hasn't solved his problems just created more.
He also states that at this point he has a pivotal life decision to make 1. work on marriage 2.go forward without the marriage

He did use our buzz words like being in a fog, seeing clearer now.

I don't know why I am posting now, but I am really confused how to proceed. My old self would be questioning the hell out of him and nagging him if it's really over, have you called her, is she calling you....my new detached self says he tell me whats important for me to know, when I need to know. I now know I can be happy without him, and am not sure if I can be happy with him but am willing to give it a go. I think I shut down some important parts of my heart regarding him in order to save myself. I am scared as hell to open that door. It's hard to proceed with caution when you know a person for this long. Not to mention that I can't and don't want to confuse the needs of my body that says jump on in. We have always had chemistry spark and that was one part of our life where everything was awesome. He even brought that up in the conversation that he had to maintain the distance ( no hugs) because that never went away.

Any advice would be appreciated. Do I still stay dark, semi dark or what?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Advice?

Slow and steady wins the race.

He has trust to rebuild and you have boundaries you need to maintain that he needs to abide by.

Your right it is not all just about him deciding to come back.

Congrats.

Slow and steady.

[cat03]

don't fret, keep quiet. I told stbx when we were piecing "you will break all contact with ow, you will do xyz...etc etc" much later on when he went back to her the MC told me "He should've been the one saying that, not you, if he really wanted things to work he should've said "I will break all contact...etc etc". He has to step up if he wants his M back, she could be hounding him like crazy but if he truly means to be with you he will push her away.

Just be a listening ear, and pretty soon he'll have two options: a calm woman who is his w who is there to hear him out, or the loony who harrases him and is desperate to get her claws on him.

[girlfromipanema]

Sandy,

You seem like you're in a really great "place" emotionally (although scared as hell). If you are willing to give it a go, just be sure you don't lose who you have become over the past 8+ weeks. Just like Jack said, take 'er slow.

My very best wishes to you.

Please let us know how things go with you.

[sandycay]

so far one text today, asking how my day was going. He hasn"t done that since he left.

Sitting quiet is hard but I know he has to come to me

Cat- your right, I have fought the urge to say those things, it"s almost like he wants me to though.

[sandycay]

Well, another interesting conversation tonight on the phone. He asked me to spend the day with him on our boat on Wednesday. I had to then bring up OW issues. I am at a place where I can not and will not spend time with him like that if she is in the picture at all. I told him that and said there was no right or wrong answer and no pressure but that was a boundry of mine. He said I hear you, and I understand what you are saying, do you want to go? We have agreed it's nothing more than spending time together to see if still like each other's company as we have both changed in the last few months and there is no pressure other than that.

I don't want my kids to know though, as they are already wondering why daddy and I have been talking on the phone. They are little radars and I don't want to get their hopes up. He says he doesn't ever want to hurt me and the kids again.

I have a few days to think about the boat thing.

[cat03]

my MC told stbx that as long as he kept the ow around things would not improve between us. Your H could be in a transition though, seeing who he wants to be, I think you brought it up in a good way.

and I don't want to get their hopes up.

as far as I've learn, even after D kids still hope the parents will get together, though I see what you are saying, maybe when you can have convos with him without the kids around

[sandycay]

Yes, I don't talk to him in front of the kids about any of this.

He text me this am to let me know he is in transit back to our city. He sent me a text last night after our phone conversation saying he enjoyed talking to me.

I really think he doesn't like to be alone, but I don't want to be the replacement for "her". He doesn't want that either and acknowledges those feelings too. It's good that he is awake enough to see that as a possibility. He doesn't want to cloud his decision to break it off with her with needing to come back to me. He wants those to be separate acts.

I think those are good signs.

[sandycay]

Ok, just got back from seeing my IC. She brought up a point that concerns her....she said "I am concerned that he broke up with her because of trust issues, not because of you." That's the jixed of it...he never said that I broke up with her because I miss, want, love you.......The break up was not about me.

UGGH I never thought of it that way. She says he needs to show by his actions that he can stand alone. Do I bring this to his attention?

[girlfromipanema]

I definitely think you need to find a way to discuss that with him. I'm glad you have such an insightful IC.

I wishing you the very, very best.