okay, we had a joint counseling session together yesterday after six weeks of individual counseling. H states that he is at the same place he was 6 wks ago. He still has contact with OOW and wants freedom to "grow that R." I am strongly opposed to D and want to continue the fight. H stated he wants a D. I said "no!" My girlfriends came over to share in my sadness last night and all say that I need to initiate a Separation Agreement. My lawyer told me to keep fighting for the M. H has no legal cause and courts probably will not grant him D because I can/will contest it. He is not paying me anything, but he is paying all household bills. Right now, that's probably more than what he'd have to pay in CS. Also, in NYS, after one year a separation agreement gives him legal cause, so I am hesitant to proceed with that. I love this man with all my heart, even though he has ripped out my heart and stepped on it. I know that he has to want to come back, but DBing just doesn't seem to be working. I'm trying to go completely dark starting today, but it is sheer torture. He called me once this morning and I sent it to voicemail. He was calling to tell me that he was stopping at the house to pick up some checks because he needed to pay some bills. I didn't return the call and I am changing the locks tonight. I go see my attorney tomorrow morning...I'll take any advice you can offer..PLEASE!!!
Me 41 H 42 T 21 yrs M 16 yrs S15, S11 Bomb 1: Not happy 09/06 Bomb 2: Not in Love 02/08 Bomb 3: Admits to EA, poss PA? with OOW 03/24/08 Moved out 04/11/08 (our 16th wedding anniversary) Go Bills! Go Sabres!
Barbara I guess I don't need to point out that if he is still in contact with OW then he really hasn't been trying, just going through the motions. Mine did the same thing, had an OW and went to MC with me. She told him as long as OW was in the picture he was skating and he really wasn't doing anything to make the R better. Go see the attorney, you don't have to do anything today. Just get an idea of what you can expect if things don't work out.
I'm so sorry you are here and in this situation. If it were me I would figure out what I wanted and what works for me and do it. He sounds like he is in the "fog" that people talk about when someone is in an A. Until he is able to gain some perspective about what he stands to lose vs. what if anything he will gain, there isn't much you can do. You can't control him, only you, so start doing things that are for and about you. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself, there is no set schedule or real rulebook... There are some really great people on these boards that will be your cheering section and be there for you.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I'm sorry to hear of your sitch. Marriage counseling generally isn't effective when one of the marital partners is actively having an affair; I'd suggest you just continuing with some IC just for yourself.
A friend of mine called and invited me to dinner on Friday, so I told her yes. I can get to Galleria on Saturday morning sometime? What do you think?
Me 41 H 42 T 21 yrs M 16 yrs S15, S11 Bomb 1: Not happy 09/06 Bomb 2: Not in Love 02/08 Bomb 3: Admits to EA, poss PA? with OOW 03/24/08 Moved out 04/11/08 (our 16th wedding anniversary) Go Bills! Go Sabres!
I try not to obsess about the OOW, but it's hard. I was putting together paperwork for the attorney last night and found something that really upset me. H and I scheduled a "date night" We went to a Sabres game back in Feb. We used to have season tix and we always had a good time doing this. Well, he looked as though he would rather have had a root canal and he did admit to me later that he did not enjoy it because he didn't want to be there with me. I had printed out cell and text message details and do you know everytime he got up to "go to the bathroom" at that hockey game, he sent and received 1 or 2 texts to/from HER!!! My girlfriends tell me that eventually I will grow tired of banging my head against the wall. Is there anything I can say to him (that would not be pursuing or desperate in nature) to make him see that he cannot possibly "try" with me as long as he is in contact with her? I've emailed her twice to ask her woman to woman to step away from the A, but she doesn't. As a matter of fact she emailed me and said the she will win and she will make sure that me and the kids become a distant memory to him. I haven't shown him that email because she is such a "wonderful person" I'm sure he would accuse me of somehow inventing the email. Also, he doesn't really complain about anything that I did/do....so how am I supossed to know what he is getting from her (long distance EA)that I am apparently not giving him? I just DON'T GET IT!!! I refuse to give up on him. I love him. Everyone that knows him says that this is not the real him. Nobody understands why he is doing any of this. What's a wife to do?
Me 41 H 42 T 21 yrs M 16 yrs S15, S11 Bomb 1: Not happy 09/06 Bomb 2: Not in Love 02/08 Bomb 3: Admits to EA, poss PA? with OOW 03/24/08 Moved out 04/11/08 (our 16th wedding anniversary) Go Bills! Go Sabres!
Is there anything I can say to him (that would not be pursuing or desperate in nature) to make him see that he cannot possibly "try" with me as long as he is in contact with her?
Barbara,
Has your husband SAID that he's willing to try? I didn't see where he has, and his actions clearly say the contrary. I'm a big believer in "no-contact/transparency" agreements, but unless and until your husband gets to the point where he's saying "I'm TRYING, but I just can't get OW out of my system," there's not much you can do other than work on YOURSELF.
Have you flat-out asked him "Are you willing to end it with her and come back and work on our marriage?"
Hi Puppy. Thanks for the response. He did, at one point say that he "had a little try left in him." Tuesday at MC he stated he "was done trying." But....I'm fairly certain that contact with OOW never has stopped, so he really wasn't committed to trying was he? I was thinking of asking him that question this weekend (After my GALing...as he is taking the kids Fri/Sat.) We are supposed to sit down and talk about things. I am not backing down from my NO DIVORCE belief. Although he has shattered every vow imaginable, I still believe that we can make it past this, IF he is willing to put in some time. I thought of asking him for a 3 month or six month period of time to really work on us, what do you think?
Me 41 H 42 T 21 yrs M 16 yrs S15, S11 Bomb 1: Not happy 09/06 Bomb 2: Not in Love 02/08 Bomb 3: Admits to EA, poss PA? with OOW 03/24/08 Moved out 04/11/08 (our 16th wedding anniversary) Go Bills! Go Sabres!
