Do I put myself out there to get burned again?

[sandycay]

Hi,

I am more of a reader than a poster but things have gotten "weird" the last week and I need advice. You can see below the time line. I have been what I considered really detached for about 8 weeks. I have gotten a pretty good life and learned lots about myself. I am happy. So last friday am I got a phone call from S in the middle of the morning. He sounds choked up and says " I am sorry, I now know how you feel and I am forever sorry I made you feel that way"... I don't question anything, I said thank you for the acknowledgment and I zipped my lip. I figured there was trouble over in the greener grass. Fast forward to 2am on Tues night. He calls me (never has done that either) and we talk for 2 hours.

Long story short he broke up with her last week. Why? Because of trust issues....he started wondering about her whereabouts as her story wasn't jiving and he said all he could think about was "I never had to worry about this with Sandy" He said he doesn't want to rebound with me or hurt me but wanted to know if I had shut the door. I said No, but the decision wasn't just his to come home it was now a mutual decision. We both acknowledge that him coming home is a long journey and I told him moving back home isn't an option at this time.

I can't go back to that dark place I was when he first left.

So, things I know...she is pursuing him like crazy and he travels alot so I really only have his word. He hasn't committed to it being really over. He says it is but ya never know. She's good at what she does. He is now a challenge again, so she will up the ante. Is he wise enough to see her for what she is?

Now, I am happy that he was the one to initiate the break up but as I look back at conversations we have had in the last 3 weeks I see little signs (baby steps) that were there but I was so far detached I didn't see them then. I think it was a good thing as maybe I would have stopped being so dark.I stopped analyzing conversations 8 weeks ago.

He told me that his hostile type attitude towards me over the last few months was because he didn't trust himself around me and he had to compartimentalize (sp) his feelings. He also said he missed me, family, yard, garage, boat etc. and the only way he could not was to turn into a different feeling.

LRT- I will say that we had a meeting together on Tues where I presented him with all the knowledge I had for a divorce. I had paperwork from a lawyer and the look on his face was one of reality. He is being generous with the money end (but not happy about it)(I can't blame him) so he wanted to designate all the money he is giving and say it's child support so I won't have to pay taxes for th spousal support. Nice, but I told him it was a mistake because "when I get remarried, you won't enjoy having to give me that type of money when someone else is living here. Husband, I am going to remarry at some point in time. I was made to be in a commited relationship with a man and I am not going to spend my life alone." The look on his face was that he heard me... and said "I know". I didn't say it in a threatening manner, just stated the fact.

Now, he text me yesterday as he left on a trip, on each leg of his trip to let me know where he is the US. He used to always do this after 9/11 as he is a pilot but had stopped when he left.
So here I sit wondering if I am about to be crushed again, (if he goes back to her), or if I sit and wait for him to come to me. He stopped by the house before he left in the morning (under the guise of seeing the kids) and hugged me for a long time. First time in 65 days, but whose counting. He also called me last night and talked to only me, not the kids.


He also says that he would never do this again to anybody. That he sees how wrong it is. He says he was unhappy before she came along....he's not sure why but she was just a catalyst. He recognizes that it hasn't solved his problems just created more.
He also states that at this point he has a pivotal life decision to make 1. work on marriage 2.go forward without the marriage

He did use our buzz words like being in a fog, seeing clearer now.

I don't know why I am posting now, but I am really confused how to proceed. My old self would be questioning the hell out of him and nagging him if it's really over, have you called her, is she calling you....my new detached self says he tell me whats important for me to know, when I need to know. I now know I can be happy without him, and am not sure if I can be happy with him but am willing to give it a go. I think I shut down some important parts of my heart regarding him in order to save myself. I am scared as hell to open that door. It's hard to proceed with caution when you know a person for this long. Not to mention that I can't and don't want to confuse the needs of my body that says jump on in. We have always had chemistry spark and that was one part of our life where everything was awesome. He even brought that up in the conversation that he had to maintain the distance ( no hugs) because that never went away.

Any advice would be appreciated. Do I still stay dark, semi dark or what?