Thanks....I did get that one....I love that book...I refer to it often.....I guess it makes me feel like I have a little bit of hope....cause hope is all I have.....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Thanks....I did get that one....I love that book...I refer to it often.....I guess it makes me feel like I have a little bit of hope....cause hope is all I have.....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Just a quick quick post. Internet monitoring to the extreme at work.
Anyway, Don't worry too much about the whole asking for a ride thing. I did the same thing and asked FW to give me a ride in his new Jeep when he got it while he was living away from me and he didn't act exactly thrilled about that either.
As far as him saying you guys are over, we are only married on paper. I heard those EXACT same words. Heard that the divorce is just a formality because as far as he was concerned we were no longer married. Period. He now says he was saying that at the time to convince himself as much as it was to convince me. He said he was trying to get me to agree so he could have justification and feel OK in his mind about what he was doing.
As far as when do you know that they are never coming back. i can't answer that question. Only you will know that. I never once gave up hope completely. Never once said to myself, "You know, he's really never coming back."
I tried to live my life as if he was never coming back. I did things and made decisions as if he was never coming back (never dated), but I never really ever thought that he would be gone forever and that we would go through a divorce.
So, I think you will know if he's never coming back. I think you will just know since you know him better than anyone.
FW gave conflicting messages. Said we were done, he wasn't in love with me anymore, but then would call me when OW wasn't around and chat about nothing important. He would get terribly jealous of other guys and of me going out with my friends and having a life, but tell me the next day that I needed to find someone that would treat me right.
Just pray for God's will to be done in your marriage. I knew His will wasn't for a divorce. I just knew it. That's what kept me going.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I am so grateful for you responding to me....I too feel as though we aren't done....no matter what he says...I just can't see it and if I can't see it, I'm not giving up....
The funny thing is that we can talk about just nothing and get along and then he leaves....goes to OW house and when he spends the night there and we see him the next day, he can't even look at me...I realize it's the guilt and in my heart I know he has to be thinking of me some of the time...I think about him all of the time..trying not to focus on him but he's the first thing I think about in the morning because he was the first person I would see in the mornings....it's hard. It's been almost a year since we made love and he says see....that shows you we're done...Hhhhh... it's sad...I remember one day last summer when we were riding on the motorcycle and I asked him if we would ever make love again...and his response was "probably"... but that was before he left and before I found out other things.....I dream about making love to him..feeling his touch...friends want to fix me up with people...they told me I was the hot commodity right now...great...a piece of meat...and I don't want fixed up...I want my marriage restored...
And my H tells me that the Divorce is inevitable and he is trying to do it in steps so he doesnt disrupt my children's lives....does he not think it's already disrupted....
So, I go on and just get through the days. It's been 15 months since I found out about the A and 11 months since the bomb...and I don't feel any better really....I hate it all....I guess I've never really been on my own so I'm learning...not liking it but none of us here do...but we have no choice....
My H is NOT a jealous person at all....he would like nothing more than to have me get in to a relationship so he can say, "see, this is what's best".....exactly what he told my kids....that he was doing what was best for all of us....
for him maybe...
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
"It's been almost a year since we made love and he says see....that shows you we're done...Hhhhh..."
Don't believe that for a second!! My H told me recently that there were many times when he wanted to spend the night but he held back a lot!
And, your H would not like it if you were to move on with someone else. He may tell you that in the beginning but it is not true. H told me this as well.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I wish I had that feeling....my H just seems so sure about what he is doing...I think he is just waiting a little while so he can tell the kids..."""see, this is for the best""...but they'll see right through it...
I know I want to at least be held by my H....and he says he's not attracted to me anymore, not comfortable around me...but he is around OW and her home, that she shared with her now XH... I don't get it....he had it all and he walked away from it...
They have no brains.....
How do you know you're in the beginnings, the middle, etc...
Last edited by Treese; 05/09/0801:54 AM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
It's been almost a year since we made love and he says see....that shows you we're done...Hhhhh..."
Don't believe that for a second!! My H told me recently that there were many times when he wanted to spend the night but he held back a lot!
And, your H would not like it if you were to move on with someone else. He may tell you that in the beginning but it is not true. H told me this as well.
True. FW said the same things.
The sex thing. Touchy subject around here.
I took a totally different approach than most. I don’t know that I would recommend my approach, but in the same breath I don’t know that I would recommend against it either.
Having sex and being sexual with your H while he is living with OW is TOUGH. No two ways about it, but I honestly feel it’s the thread that held us together. I really really do and so does FW.
Would it work for someone else the way it worked in my situation???
I can’t say. Every situation is different.
I’ll let you know what I did. I am NOT saying this is what you should do. You know your situation better than anyone so take this for what it is. One woman’s account of what worked in her unique situation.
OK, now that the disclaimers are somewhat out there, when FW and I first started having sex after he left, I initiated. In our 15 year marriage I had only initiated a handful of times so this was a definite 180 for me. I started with playful, suggestive comments and looks etc and escalated to touching him etc.
The fist couple of times he resisted. When he would resist I would always leave the door open for him to back out, but all while I was telling him it was OK if he didn’t want to I would be caressing, kissing, etc. Not fair tactics, but OW didn’t use fair tactics either. In other words, I made it very difficult for him to back out.
Eventually it just became a thing with us. A glance between us was all it took for both of us to know what the other wanted or he would send me a simple email some days with one word “lunch?” and I would write back the time I was leaving work and we’d meet at my house. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because at times it was hard. I was reduced to a booty call. At least that’s what I had to tell myself in my mind. I had to convince myself and FW that we were just using each other for sex. I had to convince both of us that there were no emotions involved, no expectations of anything other than sex.
FW has since told me that at first it was just sex, but eventually it became more. There was such a history with us that his feelings were never really completely gone and the sex helped them to grow. Helped a connection begin to form between us again. Sex kept us tethered to one another when nothing else did.
I’m not saying you should initiate. I’m not even saying you should have sex with your H, but I am saying that if you think it would be something that would be beneficial then I don’t think he will resist despite what he says. I think (and I may be wrong since I don’t know him from Adam) that he’s saying those things to convince himself as much as it is to convince you.
Sex is a big risk. Not only for disease purposes, but for purposes of detachment and protecting your emotions as well. I second guessed my decision to engage in it all the time. It was risk that paid off for me. I don’t know if it would for everyone though.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Thanks for responding....I did initiate the sex thing quite a bit...and he knows if he asks I would, but I really don't think he ever will....that is what is sad to me...he said he's not attracted to me anymore, that sex was becoming a chore (he seemed to like it...which hurt like heck when he said it....when I look at him sometimes he looks so good and i want to make love to him...he says he won't do anything that will give me hope...that he can't even smile at me because I will think everything is okay....
I really wouldn't....I just want to be close to him...to smell him....I miss that so much...and the fact that I'm so lonely...even for conversation...he was my best friend...I told him everything...now he's telling OW everything and she is living our dreams....
My heart tells me to wait it out and I told H that a few months ago and he says its all in my head....he's not in love...and I have to move on...even told me.."why do you keep making me hurt you by saying I don't love you"....I never asked him to tell me that....
I saw him over the weekend because D21 was in town and he actually looks me in the eye, and I see pain but I might be imagining it because I want to believe he misses us....I dont think he does though....when he left yesterday he didn't tell me goodbye but told the kids he loved them and goodbye...why can't he even say goodbye to me?? Is it because I told him several weeks ago how hard it was on me every time he leaves....he always leaves when I leave the room or go upstairs....How do you know if they miss you?? or do you???
thanks for all the advice.....I really do appreciate it....
((((hugs))))
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
