Changing myself for myself

[MichelleLT]

Isn't that a great feeling?

Iroquois is just more well known. No one on the West coast known the tribal names.

[Firekeeper]

ya, i noticed

i was just been to the forum on Native American Films. There is a new film in the makings "Older than America" by Georgina Lightning, very powerful, can't wait to see it. altho it's a painful one about the boarding schools its effect on past and present. the quality of film making is exceptional.

[Firekeeper]

i am successfully seducing my h

he came to the bed this morning asking for us to start all over. my answer was the same - 1st things 1st : "no ow". he started to say that even if ow is not in a picture he can't give guarantees if in a year or 6 mo he would be again disillusioned in our r. he said that there are other w that he feels attracted. i said that ow needs to be out of the picture and then we talk.

actually later i started to be caught in some crazy talk about his gripes from the past but was able to stop myself and recover fast. saying that now i am talking only about the present and when ow is out we can talk about the past but only w/ 3d person (mc)in the room

he complained that the house is not immacular. i asked him for details and acknowledged that there are some dust in the corners. it was important because before i would start to be defensive and he would interpret it that we have different understanding of what is clean mean. i made sure that he got it that i agreed w/him about the dirt and at the same time it is not my priority to make it perfect. so he either can do it himself or... he wondered if we can hire a cleaning lady

he asked for a kiss several times. i am inventing the ways to refuse respectfully.

as i analyze the interactions i see that i always hyper vigilant - there is a fear to say no to him, to make him angry. hx of dv is still ingraved

[Firekeeper]

i do not know if it is clear but we sleep in different rooms an when h came in into my room this morning 5am-ish he wanted sex

[Firekeeper]

got into his email. found out that he was w/ow last week for a week and some other time recently when he traveled. she is playing - "i want to try w/ my previous bf//i love/miss you so much". h is all romantic and trying to wooo her back with things and words.

hurt
disgusted

[MichelleLT]

OW are like an addiction. It is VERY VERY hard for most WASs to leave the OP. Most break up and get back together several times before they get sick of the immature drama and pull their heads out of their a$$es.

Just know that it is not uncommon, but I think your boundaries are a good idea.

You are doing great. Your requests are not unreasonable, just remember to back them up with words. Same with him, his actions will matter, not his words.

Stay focused on the positives. He is reconsidering, it just might be a long process. Hang in there.

re the snooping. It probably won't help anything, will only make you angry, and if he finds out will piss him off. Most recommend not doing it at all. I know it helped my peace of mind when I stopped because I wasn't letting OW control my life anymore.

[Firekeeper]

Michelle, thank you for your kind words)

i think infrequent snooping may work for me because otherwise i can trick myself into believing in his sweet talk and his blue innocent eyes and go against my best judgement. it keeps me grounded in the reality. i think i has been doing it once every 3 mo or so.

[Firekeeper]

asked h for a minute of his time and told him that i would appreciate of he would - 1st address the questions that he has to me in a daytime and not at night or early morning, and 2nd that he would tell the truth to kids and his parents about his r w/ow. the way he says it to them now gives them the impression that he does not pursue his r w/ow and has just internal struggle but is planning to reconnect w/ me soon.

which is a lie. i am swimming in anger. i think i will write him a letter that i will not send.

[Jeanette1120]

Good for you!!

Write that letter......then burn it with your firekeeping self!!!

I am impressed with the way you are handling yourself.

I do agree with you on the "Snooping occasionally". There are times when it is needed. Not so much to throw it in thier face, but like you said, to help with the not convincing us the sky is purple.

Hugs!!

Jeanette

[Firekeeper]

Jeanette, thank you for your hugs, i need them to day to be strong.

it is so tempting to spew this anger right in his face. uuuuh, that would feel good for that moment. but after ...i do not know. a while ago i did a mini speech with some swearing (usually i do not swear) involved and he said that he was impressed, he understood how deeply i felt. but ... did that made a difference - no - ow is his choice.