I did tell H in counseling yesterday that it is too early to take a trip together--that it's not that I don't want to go with him, just that it would feel like a big test, and I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on us, etc. I had told him that earlier, but I think he was still surprised that I was still telling him no.
The other thing I did was take in a list of 11 of his "positive changes" that I wrote up yesterday. He keeps telling me that I have changed (thanks, DB) and I wanted to tell him in a way that he would hear, that I appreciate the changes he is making (smiles more, does not criticize me, enjoys cooking together, etc., is committed to personal growth--the last one.) When I read it to him, he actually cried. (This is a man who did not cry when either of his parents died.)
Anyway, he came home for dinner, cooked with me, had a philosophical discussion about life, and was actually quite gentle with me, before going back to his "cave."
I have been working on "radical acceptance"--good stuff! It is my antidote to fear. It is very powerful to wake up to the present moment and be open to what is actually happening!
2 weeks ago, I went to a contra dance (folk dance) weekend at a rustic camp, about 2 hours away from home. (I do this for the joy of it, not to look for a boyfriend--some of those happily married men are the best dancers.) Wonderful live music, and 200+ wonderful, good dancers. I sat on the porch, sweating and tired, during one of the breaks and realized that, at that moment, there was no place I would rather be, and nothing I would rather be doing.
At that camp, one of the people I talked to was a happily married man, whose smile was like the Dalai Lama's. He is "in recovery" (AA) and gave me a copies of his wallet cards about "acceptance, freeing myself, being here now, interacting with others," etc. It was the same message of radical acceptance, from a slightly different perspective.
Anyway, just wanted to pass that on, as something that has helped me get some peace, while it felt like my life was exploding in my face (it wasn't, and it doesn't really!)
Thanks again for the thoughts when my emotional gut was so churned up, yesterday. We are supposed to go back to MC next week--it is so hard to go in there! It stirs up my longings in a way that I spend the rest of my time trying to calm and diminish...
I keep telling myself that "if you argue with reality, you lose!"
But it is so hard to know what the truth is--that is the trick, isn't it? I can't "know" the truth, because it changes, and it is continually revealed. I just have to accept each moment as it comes, with an open heart.
Anyway, everyone, enjoy this beautiful day and this beautiful moment. I am looking out my window at the rain and the amazing green lushness of this stage of spring in NC.
