~So I got my hair done and it looks great went darker than I normally go..... my H loved it. Didnt say it but I could tell by the smile on his face.
So Last nite I try again and he reciprocates but he is in a hurry.....
~So I tell him it would have been nicer if he would have had more time to play and he says well you know I am tired and I have to get up early.
I laugh and tell him thanks for at least being so BRUTALLY honest. It is my hope that by example he will not be so critical of me if I am not critical of him.
He really no exagerration expects to see me always sexy and always hot and in the mood ~ PRETTY MUCH humanly IMPOSSIBLE ~
SO if I cut him some slack maybe he will ease up. What sometimes keeps me stuck is the pressure. I feel anxiety at times and then my body is telling him something different than what I am really feeling and he gets a look on his face and it escalates from there. If it were more low key ... I do believe I would be able to get more "ravenous" and be more "H*rny" I do think that is key when we were first getting to know one another he had no expectations from me and didnt make me feel like an idiot. Then the Sexual Godddess that I am was in full force. I do want to get her back.... I wonder all the time where in the H*ll she is. She occasionally makes and appearance but I have to be very relaxed and not feel pressured and he does have to make deposits. *I.E. little things thruout the day to stoke the fire. It is a work in progress, all in all we are getting along great this is just once last thing we need to really focus on for awhile. I know we will always have to put eachother first and really love one another for this to continue to work but we also need to accept eachothers flaws.
I have found out a lot by reading PM and realize that sometimes when my H wants to "pound" it out during ML.... he is trying too hard and it doesnt always work like that. But I am grown up enough to know it is ok ... I am really working on being present when we ML , some days it is harder than others..... ~It is only a small fraction of time . I need to give that precious time my full attention. Easier said than done. It takes me longer to clean the kitchen
*( I do make big meals, and I do not clean as I go..... and sometimes it takes me over an hour)
.......than it does to ML and have a good time.. like I said easier said than done.
All in all this is good and I am moving forward. Lots to think about..... God bless....
~ Thanks again Gel for your post.. it is a relief for you to tell me it takes time. Cause like I said I am moving at a snails pace.....
It is not that I dont want sex it just seems to be that way... my H in the past has never really let me initiate and he "pressures" me into coming First and also one "O" isnt enough sometimes he wants me to have several and that for me is not a turn on. In fact in the book PM *somewhere* it says he is actually not doing something loving by wanting me to always come first.
I can have multiple O and I can be a dynamo ... but to put it in a nutshell sometimes I feel so much pressure I cant even get HOT! ~Bleh... I do wish he would agree to see a sex therapist but he thinks I am the only one with the problem....... I am an erotic Woman it just isnt working right now.....
This is complex and I will keep posting and keep looking at myself from within .....
Thanks again for your post.. this too will take some time. I did have a tiny hope in me it would be faster .... I am thinking too much or am I not thinking enough? That is the real question?
I also know that when I was excercising daily I seemed to just naturally be more in the mood. Also I allowed him to throw my self esteem in the gutter for a very long time and I think that has a lot to do with our current issue.
I would love some clear cut paths but even I cant see my way thru the forest.......... UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! Love and God bless.......
Alimari, Just some thoughts, hopefully useful. There are a couple of levels of ego associated with having sex, at least for me. Having sex at all is one, but chore sex makes this a break even at best. Having mutually desired sex is level two, and that is definitely a plus. There is still the risk of rejection etc, but at least you can feel like your wife wants you. The third level is wife initiated. This is really cool. "I am so hot, that she actually seduces me, and then gets off on it..." This is not to say the wife should always have to initiate, but it is great to get some some sort of clear signal, seduction vs initiation. Now, the other risk a man takes is his skill as a lover. This area is almost as vulnerable as the general sex. God forbid you can't get your wife to have an orgasm or you find out she has been faking (worse). But, the gold standard suposedly is making sure your wife is taken care of first (unselfish lover) and then giving her multiples, which is all the rage (state of excellence). I realize that if you know he is after all of this, then it probably does put some more pressure on you, but that may be what his is thinking now. Just my 2 cents.
NTE, You are right and I know he is coming from a good place... no pun intended...
But he also makes it clear that if I do not come then I must not be enjoying myself and that simply is not true. I am enjoying myself and sure an orgasm is the best but to me the getting there is 80 % of the fun and he at times is so focused on the "O" for me it seems he is not enjoying the "ride" there. Do you see what I mean ? What are your thoughts on that?
I will admit I used to use a lot of excuses for why we had no time to have sex.... the kids ... the laundry.
~ all things that are insignificant now that my eyes are open.
Ml is very intimate obviously and the connection was missing even though the chemistry has always been there.
But like you said about the ego.. I am working on self soothing and self validation. Because I ~ 90% of the time do not get any from him during lovemaking. To be very direct and to the point he says because his "*****" is hard that should be proof enough that what I am doing for him is good. I would like more from him I.E. maybe a little tiny eensy weensy moan here and there ....something.....anything........and we have talked about this over and over and he says it is simply soemthing he cannot do and I need to accept this..... I on the other hand let him know it is good in may ways ....
So I must accpet this as part of him and work on not needing that...... So I must keep looking for solutions and the one that does come to mind is I must just go in and do him for me but sometimes he does just get in the way...... The best times we have had in the recent months are when he isnt trying to follow some script.. when he really and truly lets me do him. Do I make any sense?
Ali, Some good questions and I will do my best to answer. This is from my perspective and may not fit with your husband. I don't know if any of this could be a starting point for a conversation or not. I can't remember from any of your posts if your husband knows you are on here.. For a man, typically goal oriented, the orgasm is the goal. Failure to achieve the O is a failure. Stopping to smell the roses along the way is typically not the ideal for the man, though 80% of the fun for you. It is greatly more frustrating physically for a man to not be able to finish, thus the expression "blue balls" However, I realize the same expectations for you is transference and may or may not (probably not) be accurate. Your husband (and me) need to learn to enjoy the getting there and not just the having arrived. I climb mountains for fun and I get really bummed if I don't summit, even for good reasons such as a life threatening storm. It has taken me many years to even begin to appreciate all the wonders along the way. I suppose sex is pretty similar.
As to be a bit noisy, there can be some ingrained habits here. We share a wall with one of the kids, big mistake, split floorplans are best! To that end, we have both developed a habit of finishing quietly. I for one don't mind making noise and I REALLY need to hear it. That makes me feel like she is involved and enjoying things as well. Big need! Your husband at some point in the past may have had this habit really ingrained from having to sneak sex. Just a thought. He may never get past it, but he would have a better chance if he knew the root cause.
Hope this helps. Also, do you ever go anywhere different, get a hotel etc.? Does he loosen up more in a strange place? After some wine? I think using some props like that may help develop some new habits that no longer require the props.
But he also makes it clear that if I do not come then I must not be enjoying myself and that simply is not true. I am enjoying myself and sure an orgasm is the best but to me the getting there is 80 % of the fun and he at times is so focused on the "O" for me it seems he is not enjoying the "ride" there. Do you see what I mean? What are your thoughts on that?
If you don't mind, Ali, I'll chime in here as well, since this is an issue that my wife and I are currently dealing with too. I will freely admit that I tend to take my wife's failure to reach orgasm when we ML personally: I incorrectly take it as my personal failure as a man and a lover. I've done some thinking as to where this "her O is the goal" attitude came from:
For me, it has never been a matter of keeping score, and I don't have a little log showing every time I've stimulated a woman to orgasm. Going back to the early 1980's, I just read too many things (Shere Hite's The Hite Report was one of them) that stressed, over and over, the importance of women having orgasms during sex, and that if you weren't giving your woman orgasms, you failed as a lover and were just an old-fashioned, intercourse-centered jerk.
Looking at the times then, the female orgasm had just been "rediscovered" as a result of the sexual revolution, and feminists were insisting on the right of women to "have their orgasms too." Everyone was trying to adjust and change their sex models to accommodate this, for example, take a look at a steamy love scene from a 1960's or 1970's romance novel and compare it to one from the 1980's or beyond -- suddenly, the man wasn't just "having his way with her" but bringing her to peaks of orgasmic pleasure as well. I think we all got a bit carried away, lost sight of the REAL pleasure behind sexual intimacy, and instead focused on the goal of orgasm --> and being a good, goal-oriented man, I bought into it and did my utmost to achieve that goal.
I've had to come around to the fact that now it's time for me to toss that old model out, and focus on mutual pleasure and intimacy as my goal in sex: whatever form that happens to take. To bandy yet another book around, I've been going through Bernie Zilbergeld's The New Male Sexuality, and working on adjusting that old attitude, taking to heart that (a) women don't always need or even want an orgasm to thoroughly enjoy sex with you, and (b) by putting the focus on her orgasm, you are pressuring her (and yourself) to perform and can make it *more* difficult for her to reach an orgasm, even if she wanted one.
So don't be too hard on your H: he's got a common modern-male affliction, and one that I'm finding difficult to break free of myself.
Take care,
Bagheera
Last edited by Bagheera; 05/09/0804:20 PM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
You guys are awesome. I have had a busy day and will post more when I get a chance. No my H has no clue I come here for support. I like it better that way. I need to feel free here and to get results. If he could read it ???????? I dunno if I would be so open.... I truly doubt it this is my private sanctuary.... Thanks Guys for the input. I will post a response as soon as I can. and yes "O"'s ooooooooooooooh they are the best but there is so much more to it. And yes I am sooooooooooooo glad we are past the caveman days too. God bless....
NTE, Thanks for asking... It is going sooooo much better actually. There have been bumps and hills in the interum but it has been good!
Update...
My 16 year old son is living at home again.. that is a whole other long story.
Hubby and I have had a few rough spots and he has been a bit moody .... but I can say I am really proud of me cause yesterday he came home and spent the day with me instead of going out of town to work . he let the crew go and he suddenly showed up , he took me to lunch and we went on a walk.( I love walks he hates "em) We sat on a bench and talked for a good half hour.
we got home and he was telling me I am too tired maybe later blah blah blah..... I walked up to him with a Chesire Cat grin on my face.... unzipped his pants pulled 'em down and put " him" in my mouth. No I am tired No please stop doing that Just a big fat smile.....
Yeah ME~!
See funny thing is he has always said he wanted me to be the sexual diva I used to be and lately he has turned me down alot.. I hoestly am beginning to wonder if he likes me to pursue him like this and " attack "* him?
* devour * seduce (for lack of a better term)
So all in all good. I am still working on getting stronger. reading A New Earth, listening to the podcats And most of all enjoying him letting go and not making me feel pressured into being this sexaully ravenous Woman.
It kills the mood if he is always calling all the shots and also having this undertone of entitlement all day.
he has left those by the way side and it makes him so much more " doable" Make sense? I hope so....
I will post more later...
Oh yeah and I am proud of him... b/c before I could finish he wanted to ML and said but I will probably come right away. My answer..."that is the idea silly"
It has taken me awhile to get here... but I can also say that reading passionate Marriage had helped me tremendously with tools for change. It helps tremendously to have his support. he has no idea I read this book for help but I am sure he is not complaining and he actaully changing to w/o having singed up for it. thoughts?
I do think that is key when we were first getting to know one another he had no expectations from me and didnt make me feel like an idiot. Then the Sexual Godddess that I am was in full force. I do want to get her back.... I wonder all the time where in the H*ll she is. She occasionally makes and appearance but I have to be very relaxed and not feel pressured and he does have to make deposits. *I.E. little things thruout the day to stoke the fire.
