Question for all in piecing, Affair or Not?

[ping1]

Ok, I have a question for all of you on this part of the boards, as I read many of the M that have been saved, I see something in common with alot of these and I need you to fill us in on your sitch. as I believe it will help many others on this site.

I have found that many of the M that have been saved that there were many of them that an affair was involved and once the affair sizzled out, the WAS realized the grass was not as green on the other side and decided to save their M. So what I am asking is does this fit your turmoil that you have gone through or were there other reasons than OP was not involved.

I ask that all chime in on this, it will be great information for many of us on this board. Thank you.

[NikB]

Hi Ping, I'll bite.

First off.. I don't know how many of the Piecing threads you've read, but just so you know, not all of us are truly "past" things. In fact many of us are still on pretty rocky ground, or even pieced then went through the whole thing AGAIN. It's more common than you'd think to "Piece" for awhile and then things go south again. Not to be all doom and gloom or make you feel bad, I just wanted to point out that many of our Ms are far from "saved" right now. There are a handful that I'd say truly fall in that category and are currently HAPPILY married in a healthy relationship.

I'm not sure what theories others have, but my theory is that the problems that led up to the A are still there. So the OP goes away, the WAS decides to return - and various scenarios lead to it not working, primarily not dealing with the issue (most often a serious communication problem) that existed before. Maybe the LBS changes don't "stick," the WAS or LBS have not done enough work on themselves, things get "comfortable" again, we slip back into old patterns, etc. The best success stories I've seen involve BOTH the OP being gone, and serious work on fixing the R issues. I think we get so busy working on "ourselves" that we forget the R needs some work too, when we finally have the chance.

So with all that said.. my story. The 'nutshell' version is in my signature.

Yes, an A was involved. In my case 1 EA while he was in the house and 1 (that I'm aware of) while we were separated for a few months. At least one is still going on to some degree - nowhere near the level it was but I know he still thinks she's "just a friend" and talks to her at work and such, and doesn't get why it's a problem. I don't know if either of them ever got to PA. He says no but I'm not sure that's true.

As in many of our cases the A was a symptom of other problems in a not very happy or healthy M/R. When he left I believe he did learn that the grass wasn't greener - he was very lonely and depressed while he was gone, and actually came back "home" pretty often even before deciding to move back. However in our case I think the "grass" wasn't really the OW, it was the realization that being on his own didn't = instant relief or happiness.

I definitely think the reason he decided to come home is because I made a LOT of positive changes. In fact, like many of us I was in a 180 SCRAMBLE right after the bomb. Of course doing everything totally to get a reaction from him - but they were positive changes, and they eventually were more about me, AND the important thing, they stuck. He even told me he almost changed his mind about moving out when he saw all the changes I was making, but he felt he had to do it anyway. And he said he felt like I was making the changes ONLY to keep him from leaving, almost like it was a trick or something.

I think there's a dangerous assumption out there that "if the A ends the WAS will come home." Not necessarily true. They will only come home if they have a lot of compelling reasons, especially feeling like they can build a happy, healthy M with the LBS. They'll continue to look for happiness in a new R after the A ends. As the LBS, you want to be the most attractive option for that new R.